My Right-On-Time Valentine

I am sick today and obviously not feeling well. My preschooler is here at home without his brother and sister and without a mom who feels like doing much. So he went into his room, unbeknownst to me, and drew me a card. It showed several little hearts arranged together in the shape of one big heart and said "i love U mom, OK." As he presented it to me he said, "Mommy I know that it's not Valentine's Day anymore but this is my Valentine for you today anyway. I hope you feel better!" Well, after that, you bet I do!

Our Weekend In Snippets

O.K. So I know that it is Thursday night and I am just now getting around to posting about our active fun-filled weekend with Grandma and Graypa. But I figure this type of a post is really more for our own family memories anyway than any sort of quality entertainment for a potential lurker or two.

Friday evening, my hubby raced home from work to put the finishing touches on his (uh, I mean my son's) pinewood derby car before loading up his tools to head over to the church to serve in his official capacity as "Check-in Manager." He is excellent at helping the boys to tweak their cars for speed, so they call on him each year to do so.

My daughter and youngest son stayed home with me since he was sporting a low grade fever and we wanted to stave off any reason for non-attendance to the big race on Saturday. I spent the evening cleaning and preparing beds with clean sheets for Grandma and Graypa's arrival.

Hubby and son returned home at the very same time Grandma and Graypa arrived after ten p.m. No one wanted to say hello and goodnight, so we all stayed up past midnight talking and catching up.

The next morning, Grandma and Graypa headed with us girls to cheer leading while the boys made their way to the derby. It was a BEAUTIFUL spring morning! My girls (the cheer squad) were all very tired (I don't know why) and embarrassed to have MY mom and dad watching them, so they did more giggling and laying across the floor than cheering. Graypa decided to make them laugh in his typical fashion. He spent the morning making up cheers about breakfast. "I want bacon. I want toast. I like cheers about food the most! Yea, Pancakes!" I think he may have been hinting since I only offered cereal after my lack of sleep....... :)

After the game, we all raced over to join the boys at the Pinewood Derby on the other side of town. The championship heat was beginning as we found the boys. For the first year ever, my son didn't place in the speed category. But he won first place in design! This was so special since it is also the first year he's done the work primarily on his own! Way to go, Dalton!

I held and hugged my friend's baby while feeding her cookies (only and they were quarter size!) and attempting to teach her to say "Aunt Nikki gives me chocolate." I'm going to make a good Grandma, aren't I?

We went home and watched "Facing the Giants" just like the plan, except for all of us falling asleep in 10 minute increments, waking only to take turns asking "Does anyone want me to make lunch?" The answer was always yes, but none of us could quite manage it for about half an hour. Finally I put some sandwiches together and we prepared for Allie's Birthday Party.

I was so glad to get to see Allie when we arrived at her Aunt Toni's house, just two streets over. The party was a karaoke/movie theme with outstanding decorations and the two most perfect cakes made by Allie's Aunt Toni and Aunt Rae. I know where I'm getting my cakes from now on! One was decorated like a movie clap board and one like a ticket. The girls all decked themselves out with movie star hair and makeup and sang and played and just generally delighted us with their sweet innocence. Allie's favorite part of the evening, though, was playing the vendor of the concession stand, which was made remarkably real with a card table, play money, and every type of typical boxed movie candy you can imagine. I have to admit I made myself sick eating so many "Bottlecaps" just so I could see the joy it brought Allie after her original rush of customers had tapered off for too long. Once the girls were started in on watching a movie, us "big girls" played a game I've never been introduced to before. "Sequence" is my new addiction! It was so much fun to play that we didn't leave to go home until 1:30 a.m. - with church to attend the next morning.

After about 4 1/2 hours of sleep, we woke up to get ready for services while Grandma and Graypa prepared to leave. It was a rather quick sendoff so we could all make our deadlines. Grandma and Graypa needed to have Allie home in time to prepare for school Monday. We had a fabulous church service, even if I did have to poke Greg to prevent him from snoring.

After church, we ate lunch at a Mexican Restaurant that we've eaten at for years. Our last time there, however, we received both bad food and mediocre service. This time, the service was TERRIBLE! As in, they forgot about us entirely multiple times. And every other table in the place. Seriously, all of us customers were talking back and forth in disbelief. It was so bad that I think we all only stayed to register whether such a thing was truly possible!

On the way home, I stopped off at Walmart with my daughter for the next day's necessities and ran into old friends I haven't seen in ages. We talked for over an hour about our lives, our churches, our mutual friends and God's goodness towards us. I love this couple. They were both students in my husband's and my youth group before they even dated.

Since my husband needed to go to work, I went home without any purchases and gathered the boys to go back with us to the store to complete our shopping. Then we returned home and readied for school, played three rounds of Whoonu and went to bed early. But just before bed, both of my husband's brothers called. Paul called to tell us his new school was accepting ALL of his old credits from several years ago and that he will most likely be graduating with his Bachelor degree in business at the end of this semester. I am so proud of him.

But the BIG news came from our other brother, Jason. He called to ask if we had heard that my niece's boyfriend had asked her parents permission to request her hand in marriage! Yay! I love my niece's boyfriend. None of us were too sure when their relationship started where it was going, but we all hoped he was "The One" way before she was sure about it! Welcome to the family Leo! (She of course said yes) You have already been one of us practically since we met you. And "my handsome nephew" just sounds so much better than "my adorable perky niece's boyfriend." The kids especially CAN'T WAIT for the wedding. They have so much fun with Leo. He is one of their favorite jungle gyms. And an absolutely fantastic, talented artist.

So, there you go. Our weekend in a nut, er uh, coconut shell.

Monday as the day fell apart and I blogged about all the sordid details, I told my youngest son "I'm sorry Mommy spent so much time on the computer today. Thank you for being so patient." He just looked at me and said flatly, "I'm not."

Thank YOU for being so patient (or pretending to be) with this post. It was purely to fulfill a request from someone who actually DID want to hear about it. Well, that's what they said anyway. Go figure.

Bedtime Kisses

Bedtime is a big ritual at our house. We have several little routines that often come into play, although they rotate as spontaneity dictates each individual evening. These repetitions were developed naturally out of play that progressed from the living room to the bedroom some fateful night. Once in particular, we were all trying to stall the bedtime process just to extend all the wonderful fun we were having. No one REALLY wanted to end such a great day, myself included. So after our regular goodnight kisses, somebody offered an Eskimo kiss. Then more were exchanged all around. Then we moved on to the "European Kiss," kissing first one cheek and then the other. Then blown kisses and "butterfly kisses" followed. We also made up "fishy kisses" (with puckered lips), "old people kisses, (where our heads shake as we move in)" sappy kisses (with hands cupping the face) and "polka dot" kisses (all over the face.) Oh, and a particular favorite to me are "Great Aunt Bertha Kisses." We don't have a great Aunt Bertha. But if we did, we're sure she would grab our faces, squeezing our cheeks between her puffy grip to hold us right where we don't really want to be. The kids pretend to hate it when I do that one.

Tonight the sweet familiar ritual played out again. But I was in a bit of a hurry to tuck the kiddos in and get back to my chores so they would get enough sleep for school tomorrow. I let them each pick one special kiss to receive. "O.K." my oldest declared with suspicious giddiness. "DOGGY KISS!" And with that he licked from chin to hairline clear up one side of my face! I love that kid! So do his brother and sister. Dearly. So each one of us is all wet and sticky now, but I at least get to go shower. I love what memories are made of!

(Sometime soon, I'll have to tell about our bedtime ritual of "Making Sandwiches.")

Good night!

P.S. - I'm sending a cyber kiss and hug to RTH. You're on my mind!

Monday (Cont.) See Previous 2 Posts To Get The Whole Sordid Sob Story

There was a part 3. It involved tears (mine as well as the kids), lost haircutting scissors (the new pair bought to replace the never found old ones), a fight with the hubby and being late to the banquet (alone - with two of my three children and my dirty hair still in a ponytail.)

"This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm something-or- other

As I was convicted to look for God's silver lining, it was this. At least I have children who, when they see me struggle like they did today, try very hard to obey and draw sweet pictures to cheer me up - rather than take advantage of my breakdown. And their forgiveness for my picture day mistakes was instant. They rarely ever whine or pout when things don't go "their" way. They adapt. I am so very proud of them for intentionally practicing this trait! I have a God who knows that deep down inside, I am a willing worker and a diligent homemaker despite what my home and any spontaneous house guest might currently attest to. And He has so kindly blessed me with a warm and fluffy bed just calling my name after I finish 2 loads of laundry well into the wee morning hours. Innocent encouragement, a comfy bed and at least a little sleep. That's more than our soldiers in the Middle East will get tonight. So tonight, I will just pray for them and praise God despite it all.

Good night.

COMMODITY TRADING

Here is a big fat warning to anyone out there who is just getting started on this crazy wonderful strange perplexing path called "Parenthood." When the "old-timers" (unfortunately, I almost count!) warn you to "enjoy them; they grow up too fast," they should be wearing neon orange vests, waving giant red flags and standing by enormous LED-lit billboards flashing "CAUTION! CAUTION! CAUTION!"

Blame it on having an unscheduled 9 days holed up together last week, or the fact that I have only 1 semester left with a preschooler at home, but I am missing those days terribly! I have been going before God lately with a whole lot of "Why's?" Not the "I don't trust You" kind of why's that invade certain other areas of my life. These are the "this is so confusing; I thought I had THIS part figured out and then you switched it up again and I'm trying to make sense of things but now I'm befuddled all over again...." kind of why's.

Unlike most little girls I know, I did not grow up with the fairytale dream of my Prince Charming and a white dress and a tidy house with the white picket fence. (O.K., I DID dream about the tidy house.....) It's not that I thought that was bad. My mom stayed home and raised my brother and I all the way through high school without taking a job. She managed to stay active and productive and create a real HOME, somewhere I always felt safe and loved and listened to. I have always been very impressed with her for this in a world that may have been more hostile to homemakers then than it is even now. I don't know why I never invisioned myself doing the same thing; it's one of the few things I don't analyze completely into the ground. I don't know WHY to that either.

Anyway, my dream was to go to college (I LOVED schoolwork; not school, but schoolwork - I was a freak, I know.) Then I wanted to get some great job where I traveled for meetings, with great-looking, girly power suits and a sharp alligator-skin brief case. Maybe I would meet someone, and we would date forever, but probably not marry. (Don't ask about intimacy; I never bothered to factor that in to my plans. I was a teenager, O.K.? It was all going to be EASY!)

I am SO TREMENDOUSLY THANKFUL God knows this heart He made better than I do!!! He knew what He designed it for and what it would need to get there. And He turned all my best-laid (completely stupid unrealistic) plans right on their ego-pumped heads. I'll save all the details of our family development for another day, but He gave me these three great wonders of humanity and let me call them my children.

Since I was born, I have by nature been extremely diligent in whatever I set my mind to. If my mission was now Motherhood, it was never a question for me that this would be any different. The problem was, I didn't feel like I was very maternal by nature, so this became my fervent prayer. I listened to the sage advice of those who have long since left the baby-raising days. Too many of them offer it for it to not be true. "ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN" I purposed in my heart to ENJOY the cheerios on my carpet, the pudding prints on the wall, the incessant screaming to get my attention when I haven't responded within two seconds. REALLY! I went from extreme impatience to a lot more of it - all because God found it to be a worthy goal of my heart. I had to listen and obey, but HE bestowed these abilities upon me. It was a process. It took time and lots of prayer and Bible study and a purposeful retraining of my brain.

And now, just when I'm at the peak of love with this insane craziness that is my little people.....they are going to school. I relish the conversations we have every morning on the way there. And I feel an uneasy emptiness as they first leave to go to class.

I realize this could easily become co-dependence on my children for my self-worth if I am not careful. God asked me to quit homeschooling in part because that was much of my reasoning for doing it. I know I have talents and service to explore outside of being "Mommy" to my children, but why now? Why didn't I have this longing and confidence at the beginning, before making so very many mistakes? Why is it so true what "THEY" always say - that as mothers our calling is "work ourselves out of a job?" I love this job! I don't WANT to ever finish it. And I know I never really will entirely. I know because I STILL need my mother more than I bother to tell her. But TIME is such a precious, rare, priceless commodity. I wish I could take each wonderful phase my children encounter (the one RIGHT NOW is ALWAYS the best one!) and bottle them up forever and ever and ever?!

Yes, each precious passing moment is unique, special, and can never ever again be returned. No one can find it in the street and bring it to my door. Too much time is wasted in this world. Time spent on work, traded for money. Time spent on fears, traded for wimpy choices. Time spent on doubt, traded for discontent. Time spent on me, traded for the hurt of those around me. I believe this is one of the world's biggest problems. Poorly spent time. I believe it is one of life's greatest temptations and one of an individual's most difficult balancing acts. Given two or three choices of well-spent time (husband or children, church or family, personal study or fellowship), how do you choose? How much time - and when - do they each receive their due attention? Of all the commodities we are given in this life - finances, education, even wisdom and beauty, I wouldn't trade time for any one of them. God, please help me to make CONSISTENTLY wise use of my time.

Two Hearts Unite

I just haven't been sure what to write without boring anyone with yet ANOTHER story of Ice Escapades - that has been ALL that has happened around here for 9 days now! Ice and snow and rain and STUCK inside, TRYING to keep the house SOMEWHAT clean! Notice all my EMPHASIS!

So without concentrating on writing flair, but just factual details that I can get through without crying, I share this:

The past year with my husband has finally been like the honeymoon period you're supposed to get the first couple of years of marriage before the kids come along. We'll have been married for 12 years in April. This was not an oversight on our part, or laziness in our relationship (God KNOWS it's NOT that!), but because for the first time in a DOZEN YEARS we are finally just getting to be "normal." We still have problems, but they are the garden variety. Broken pipes, molding kids' attitudes, running out of underwear with no laundry soap left. Yes, we built a house this past year. We moved and we had our identity stolen, but we also finally had time to do it all AS A TEAM. You can't imagine what a big deal this is to me!

When we met, my husband and I were both in our twenties and living on our own. We had our jobs (he worked construction with his Dad's company; I was Promotions and Technical Director at a radio station) and our hopes to meet Mr./Ms. Right. We were ready. Our first year of dating was all the fun and discovery that it should be. He found out I'm neurotic about being organized (yeah, God's let me learn the futility in THAT the past 3 years!) and I found out that he snores and well, isn't so neurotic about cleanliness. (I had to show him the vacuum had a disposable bag after he had it for 8 years!)

And soon, he would also find out just how little real adversity I had ever had to prepare me for our initiation into married life. Just two weeks before our Big Day, I was coming into my apartment carefully lugging my GORGEOUS finished wedding gown when I caught the tail end of a message playing on the answering machine. I had missed too many details to understand the context of the information being spoken, but there was panic in my church friend's voice. I laid the dress quickly across my bed and picked up the receiver. "Nikki. Oh, thank God you answered! You've got to get to the such-and-such hospital right now! Greg is there by himself and something really bad has happened to his dad." My first question to her was of course what had happened. She didn't know. Then I asked "why is he alone?" "It's a long story" she said, "and you don't have time!" I asked her how to get to this hospital. (It wasn't one of the ones in our near vicinity. He had been taken there from a job site he was working on.) She told me as well as she knew which wasn't exact at all - and I headed out immediately. God must have shown me straight there because I just remember showing up there - finally - about 30 minutes later. I ran in and rounded the corner of a long hallway to find my intended with his head hung low, staring blankly, defeated. And without ever knowing what had happened, I nevertheless knew the outcome. We didn't speak, just hugged and cried for the longest time. A brain aneurysm had taken his father's life without warning.

The funeral was held 5 days later. Then, 3 days before our wedding, which everyone insisted go on as scheduled to bring a bright spot to their healing, the Murrah Federal Building was bombed 15 miles away from our newlywed home (which was Greg's already). The majority of our out-of-town guests were already here and experienced it. I slept through it. I was supposed to be next door to the the Murrah building that morning, securing our wedding license at the court house, but I was sleeping in to recuperate from the emotional drain of the prior week's events. Our pastor preached the funeral of one of the child victims the day before we were married. On top of it all, our actual wedding day brought record low temperatures and 4 inches of rain. It was to be an outdoor garden reception.

This was the day God helped me begin to practice the art of perspective. I didn't cry at the rain. It was so insignificant in light of our loss. I didn't care that everyone was discussing the bombing. Those people who perished deserved remembrance. They had lost their lives as well. And besides, as far as I know, every single person who was invited to our wedding showed up to support us! Many pitched in to make sure the indoor reception was nothing short of spectacular.

But the one thing that haunted me that day, for years in fact, was that my betrothed never looked me in the eyes. On a day so full of emotion, ALL KINDS of emotion, I was hidden from him most of the day for the tradition of not seeing the bride before the "big moment." When the big moment finally came and I walked through the double doors, I think he glanced just long enough to know that I was THERE, alive, and then no more after that. Through the entire ceremony, he stared at a single spot on the floor, never even looking at me. He couldn't. It was all too much.

I just wish I had realized that then. I took offense instead. I NEEDED for him to be wowed, to accept me in as his wife, to relish in my comfort. He needed my understanding. To be gone for 14-16 hours a day that first year or two, trying his best to run a company and support not just a new wife, but also 10 employees, his mother and her two dependent children at home. All this at the tender age of 26. I didn't really realize then how very young he really was. I was often mad at his absence (both physically and especially emotionally) instead of proud of his AMAZING responsibility toward everyone involved. We both made so many mistakes. We never had that time, that incredible bonding that's needed to become one flesh, a team. Our circumstances gave us the worst possible start, one that's already difficult for most newly married couples and multiplied it exponentially. What is a usually a time of figuring out differences and meshing lives together was for us, a time of sharing space but not problems, heart thoughts or often when work intruded so dramatically, even the bed at night.

YEARS of difficulty followed, mostly but not all related to this very rough base of circumstances. But here's the inevitable positive spin. We are newlyweds now! Not in the sense of relishing in each and every word and deed all starry eyed and stuff. We've been together too long for that, seen each other sick and angry and generally for who we really are. But we're becoming a team. We have problems still, but we are tackling them, finally, together. We are going on dates. And most importantly (and I'm crying while I write), we are looking each other in the eyes when we say "I Love You." And we smile when we do it. For now, that's all the romance I ask.

Lessons From A Fiery Trial

Many of my friends or family members are going through deep valleys and exhausting trials right now. My own immediately family is just now on the tail end of a LONG trek through the valley of learning as well. Times are troubled and uncertain all around the world. It is no secret - even to the unbelieving. Life is more tiring and confusing than ever before. And it seems obvious to everyone.

Several of our friends have confided their problems to us in recent months eager for our
prayers - and our advice when their situations seem similar to our own recent past. Here is the best advice I can offer based on the very scriptures God used to speak to my heart in my own trial and the way He applied them personally to my problems at that time. These were verses I knew, but through our troubles they became so much sweeter. (I LOVE the description for the Scriptures as "the LIVING Word!")

LET GOD FORGIVE YOU.

He WANTS to forgive us. If He didn't, He wasted his humility and his blood on the cross at Calvary. Often when we are going through trials, we mess up more. Often the hurt we experience comes from facing something completely new we have never dealt with before. We are learning God's way of dealing with it AS WE GO. We know the automatic human response, but we are being conditioned to learn God's way of dealing with it - and we don't always get it right. He will correct us, but He does not WANT to "catch us" doing wrong (anymore than we glee at seeing our children falter), even after we have given our hearts to Him. The Bible clearly states that "He came not into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." (John 3:17) I think a lot of Christians trust this at the hour of salvation, only to forget it as they walk with Him. I did. He does not want us to serve Him so much out of fear as from a heart of deep gratitude for all He has done to prove His patient love for us. ("We love Him because He first loved us." I John 4:19)

ONE OF THE THINGS WE MOST OFTEN NEED FORGIVENESS OF IS OUR LACKING JOY.
THE SIN IS NOT LACKING JOY AT OUR CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT IN LACKING TRUST IN OUR GOD

In almost every case, at least amongst my Christian friends, people convey a sense of guilt at losing their joy in the midst of a trial, even for a moment, even if joy is their usual response. I understand this. They want to be good witnesses and a loss of joy makes that difficult. You want to CONVEY to the world that you have something worth rejoicing in (because even in your pain you know in your heart it's true) and that's difficult when you don't SEEM to be any better for having Christ to lean on. I was the worst about this. I lacked joy when I suffered. And then I beat myself up for it worse than the unbelieving amongst me ever did.

And that was Satan's subtle way of keeping me in the mire so much longer. Guilt for ever hurting in the first place. Of course, we will have disappointments in this life. Of course, we will hurt when we are betrayed, rejected, or left lonely by the loss of a loved one. Rejoicing in these situations would not even be the appropriate response. ("To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:...A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 4) But rejoicing that we can trust in God to use the situation for good, to teach us something new, is a supernatural response He gives us to show the world that He indwells in us. It is NOT natural. It is what seperates us from the lost and proves His existence personanlly. THAT JOY is our shining light because it is evidence of HIM and HIS work in our lives! But we forget THAT JOY when we forget to look away from our SITUATION and "turn our eyes upon Jesus." And we do that a lot. What I learned from all this was, don't TRY to rejoice in your situation, but instead REJOICE in God who LET you go through it not JUST BECAUSE He trusted you handle it, but because He is actually using that situation to make you more like Him! It is not only O.K., but necessary to say "this stinks!" if we are to show that God is a God for ANYONE and not just the uber-optimistic and super-spiritual of the world. But we must always follow that up with "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:19) We must be real in our trials, but without then acknowledging our hope in God's delieverance from them, we are merely complaining. We must be faithful to praise Him, even in the midst of the battle. That shows true faith -not just praising Him in hindsight. Faith is not just pointing to fulfilled evidence. It's believing in promises not yet fulfilled. I finally began learning not just conceptually, but personally what Paul meant when He said "I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content....I am instructed both to abound and to suffer need." (Phillipians 4:11b, 12b) "LEARNED" to me is the key word. You can't do it without the teaching experiences which are accomplished through the trials. We MUST endure trials. They are not the punishment for being so unlike God, but the means by which we become more like Him.

The main verse that brought this all to light was this (prophesying of Jesus): "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." (Isa. 53: 2-4)

Jesus was not ALWAYS happy! He hurt at temptations (his friends falling asleep in the garden instead of praying for Him) and cried at death (Lazerus). He even asked the Father to remove the worst situation from His life if was at all possible. And our life's goal is to be LIKE HIM. Tempted but not defeated. Human and feeling, but not governed by those feelings. Knowledgable enough in the Word to fight off lies with belief in the Truth. I cringe now when I hear the advice to "follow your heart." Because the Bible says "The heart is deceitful above ALL things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9 - emphasis mine) You CAN NOT know what to believe unless you are familiar with the Word. If you don't use God's guidelines for testing truth, you will naturally fall back on "common sense," which is really nothing more than man's suppositions.

The greatest part of our sore temptations and long trials was this. It took certain parts of the Word I understood in CONCEPT and made sense of them personally, in a way that I could practice. That I could know not just in theory, but understand by exacting examples what they really mean. They were lessons that I could apply to my behavior and LIVE to truly become MORE like Him! I also learned how VERY MUCH more I still need to learn about Him. I could spend a lifetime and never touch the very outskirts of the holiness of my Savior. But I am at least off my spiritual plateau. I am at least climbing, drawing ever nearer to Him. And as long as I have my eyes on that goal - reaching Him.....as long as I keep Him in focus, it gives me drive toward a WONDERFUL goal worth reaching. I love my Lord. And as He lovingly waves His finger "come hither", I know He loves me too.

So my advice is this. Go back to the beginning - back to Salvation 101. REMEMBER He STILL forgives you. REMEMBER He STILL loves you. Hate the darkness this world sometimes produces. And love the Savior who walks through it with you. The Savior with the whole world at His feet who still CHOOSES to face the darkness sin brings JUST so He can be near You. "My bretheren, count it all joy when you fall into diverse temptations..." (James 1:2a) "Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phillipians 1:6)

And now if I may be so bold as to ask a quick prayer request. Please pray for my children to find godly friends who are able to play with them. We live in a neighborhood with few children and a long drive from town which sometimes prevents having friends over. This is a real need for all of us and has made for an exceedingly tearful day. Thank you!!