A Hodge Podge Of Humor

One thing I love so much about blogging is having a regular way to record all of those precious little "funnies" that otherwise go unrecorded. Oh, I have scraps of paper with the most outstanding events I never want to forget - SOMEWHERE. But years from now, I really wish I could go back and visit my kids' little years in some sort of detail, like one of my favorite blogs, Lots of Scotts. She relays the cutest stories of her kids and the wisdom she is learning because of them along the way. I may have long forgotten many of those precious preschool moments, but my busy young elementary kids still say and do plenty to keep me entertained.


WE'RE COUNTRY FOLK NOW, BOY!
Until this summer, I had never once had a tick that I know of. But since our move outside of town last year, my husband and I have had three between us. (I have NO IDEA how they have missed the kids.) Appalled at our last discovery, my 5-y-o declared with much frustration, "Another one! Are you kidding me?! This Place Is INVESTED With Ticks!"


GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS
After witnessing a younger member of our church do what so many toddlers do, Faith couldn't wait to get into the car out of earshot and tell me "Gross! J. was picking his boogers and eating them! That is just so......EW-ISH!"

THIS PARENTAL DISCERNMENT THING IS KILLING ME

A couple of times lately when I've called my youngest son into the room for some sort of instruction, I've noticed him leaving my lecture to call his sister in for my run-down as well. "I only needed to speak to Justice," I would tell her, and she would be on her way. Yesterday, I discovered what he was doing. "Faaaaith! Mom needs youuuuu!" he said, though I had suggested nothing of the kind. As Faith emerged to find me he yelled, "Ha ha, you're IT, now!" as he ran by her, brushing her arm with his hand. That little runt has been telling her I need her when he's tired of looking for her in hide-and-go-seek! And I had actually lectured her recently about not coming when I call her. Now I know why she wasn't!

NOTHING SAYS "I LOVE YOU" LIKE IN-HOUSE MARKETING

My older son, who loves all things technical, was looking around an approved website when he called out excitedly across the house, "Ooooh!....Oooooh! Oooooh! Ooooh! They're selling really cool sparkle pink lip gloss! And if you buy one, the second one is half price!" After questioning stares from his younger brother and I, he finally added, "Where's Faith? She's gonna love this stuff." Honestly, though, it warmed my heart for him to be so excited for his sister like that.

A LITTLE GUY'S MIND ON THE SUBJECT OF DEATH

Three years ago, my brother-in-law passed away from life-long diabetes as he ultimately succumbed to liver failure. He was the "cool uncle" to my kids that always did outrageous fun stuff - like the time he rented them a moon bounce for Easter. In his last months, he developed circular scab-like patches on his skin from the toxin buildup in his system. For some reason this past summer, the kids all talked about him an unusual amount and had some pointed questions about those last hard days. "Mom, why did Uncle Scotty have pepperonis all over him when he died?" It's so sweet to realize how innocently they take it all in.

HEY, DUDE, I'M JUST DOING MOM A FAVOR!

My daughter was gone one night as I was trying to go through old clothes to hand down. Not sure if she had outgrown a particular outfit, I asked my son to try it on because their sizes are close enough for me to tell that way. He gave me the eye roll and a little protest, but he is a good kid and does just about all that I ask. "No one will see you," I said. "It's just us here at home." So he held the clothes up to him just as his dad walked in from work. "O.K. Dad! I'm just helping mom out because Faith's not here. I'm just trying to wear my girl clothes like a man!" He cracks me up.

A PENNY SAVED MEANS A LOT LESS WORK!

My daughter wanted a chore to do to earn money for a book order from school. My youngest son, seeing the size of the job decided he could help to earn a little cash of his own. A little squabble ensued about whether he should get to share in the chore or the payment. Knowing his track record on this particular job, I told him "You can help, but remember a halfway done job only gets halfway paid." His response was not quite what I expected. "Cool, Faith! Let's just do the job halfway, then we can share our money and not have to do it all!" Lord, help me.

THAT "OTHER" DISCIPLE

My kids were quite amused by their last Sunday School lesson. Our friends, who happen to be the associate pastor and his wife, have a bright and lively three year old as their middle child. The teacher asked the kids if they were able to list all of the disciple's names, and, she reports, they did a rather impressive job. But she was particularly surprised that such a young boy knew that Levi was also known by another name - "Pull-up" (Philip).

Does This Blog Make My Butt Look Big?

Rhetorically speaking, of course. Please don't REALLY answer that!

A couple of months ago, my dad called to chat and catch up with us and just and generally see how we are doing as a family. Or maybe that was just his cover. WINK.

"Punkin" he said, with his term of endearment that generally precedes a flattering compliment. "I just want you to know that I think you are a FAN-TAS-TIC writer! You really are. I think your writing is about as good as any I've read."

"Thanks, Dad. Wow! That sure is sweet! I appreciate that!"

"Well, it is, Punkin. I can see our college money was WELL spent. Could I just make a suggestion, though? That blog photo is not your best one."

"Oh....really? I actually kind of liked it. What is wrong with it?"

"I just don't think it's one of your better pictures. You have so many that look nice, but that's not my favorite. I'm just trying to look at it like someone who doesn't know you might see it. It doesn't show you like you really look."

"I know. You've never seen me with brunette hair. And I think you've always liked it blond. Maybe that's it."

"No."

"Well, what IS IT about it that's not good."

"I don't know. It's just not my favorite."

"Is it the angle? Because it cuts off at the chest?"

"I don't know."

"It's probably that I'm 36. And you're not used to seeing wrinkles and age on your own daughter."

"That could be true. Let's talk about something else."

Now, I know my dad. And he really wouldn't ever say anything except to help me. So I have thought about changing my photo. I'm just waiting for my face not to break out. Which happens about as often as the summer Olympics. Sorry if that's not "real" enough, but there are just some things people don't necessarily NEED to see. Like Aunt Francesca in her skivvies, ya know what I mean? O.K. The truth is, my priority list leads with other things right now, like food and shelter and such things I'm still working on. But I will get to it. I also set out to have my blog professionally re-done. Then some financial "stuff" happened, and that was BEFORE taking out a second mortgage to pay for school supplies (o.k. I'm just barely kidding on that one), and well, it's going to have to wait. In the mean time, I'm using what Blogger offers to try to come up with a new look. The old one was getting, well, OLD.

In the meantime, I want to recommend the WONDERFUL lady who has started to work with me on my blog AND been patient and kind enough to understand me dragging my feet for LO, these many months. I chose her not only for her other blog work, but much more importantly for her professinalism, and would ask you to consider the same. She is a SWEETHEART to deal with. And I figure the least I could do is refer her to some of you while she waits on my slow sorry.........um, wallet.

http://www.justalittlecreation.blogspot.com/

Then when my pocketbook is a little bigger than my hind sight, I'll be contacting her again too, and things will begin to look a lot prettier around here.

Edit to add: I just noticed the side bar looks like it has up-side-down cr*osse*s. Please know that was totally unintentional and is cause for me to change my layout again just as soon as I get a chance.

A Lil' Bit Of R&R- Not Available In All Areas, Certain Conditions May Apply

So the hubby's been working insanely long hours trying to acquire an income after days and weeks of rain earlier this summer and ice earlier this year. And the temperature has been about as blistery as his nerves while working in it. So he surprised us today, by coming home early and suggesting a little family fun time was in order. Then he tried to convince us what a blast it would be watching him nap. I thought paying bills sounded slightly more fun, so I did while he slept a few minutes. At least until the neighbor boy noticed signs of life through our windows (that would be the shades briskly shutting) and took that as his cue to run over and ring the doorbell multiple times, because Boy Scouts are nothing if not thorough.

Once hubby was up, he decided he did feel in the mood to go and do something (besides kick the neighbor boy's pants!) as long as it was something that would require little activity and wouldn't fry him like an egg. He suggested the amusement park.

Just let that sink in.

At least his tired overworked brain cells gave him a taste of the daily confusion I experience as his suburban homemaker bride. We settled on dinner, a baseball game and a stroll through down town. We thought at least at the ball park, the crowd would be more mellow than the folks slinging sweat and comparing tattoos at the Tiltawhirl.

Um, we would be wrong.

You know those conversations you have from time to time that really aren't exactly conversations, but a repetitive script you don't realize you are participating in? Like when the waitress, smiling, leads you to your little corner of respite and asks "Will this table be O.K.?" And automatically you respond "yes, thank you."

Why did I do that?

I didn't understand until tonight the dramatic effect "Gray's Anatomy" has had on pop culture, but we were the only people to share a room with twenty or so medical personnel who have apparently taken the show way too seriously. I know because in their amplified drunken voices, they were "discussing" their LOVE LIVES! AND THE COMPLEXITY OF THEIR UNIFORMS! AND HOW A TWELFTH BEER MIGHT REALLY GIVE CLARITY TO UNDERSTANDING THEIR BOSSES DISDAIN FOR THEM! I MEAN, WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT THEIR PROFESSIONALISM AFTER ALL! And did you know that complimenting a nurse on the enormity of certain ones of her body parts is completely acceptable (even welcome) while wasted?

My favorite was when the one girl at one end of the table asked the guy clear at the other end of the table (makes sense) WHAT TODAY'S DATE IS! "AUGUST 10th I THINK. I'M PRETTY SURE!" For some reason I apparently wasn't intoxicated enough to understand, this was an uproarious medical joke! Because the laughter from the entire group at the table didn't subside for a full ten minutes. Funny, funny stuff I tell you! At least it was to my kids, who were loving the fact that these people actually seemed to appreciate them quietly mocking their idiocy. "Who's gonna work on them later when they fall off the curb?" we joked. They were getting to laugh AT these people; not with them -what a treat!

I was just happy for the example. "See kids. Alcohol is bad. It's makes one very stupid." At least until we ourselves became part of the entertainment, in the form of my son's first-ever nose bleed. For no apparent reason, other than a more complete fulfillment of Murphy's law, his nose began gushing blood while situating ketchup on his plate. It (blood, not ketchup) was falling onto the table, into his plate, and smearing across him arm and hands in an attempt to stop it. Oh, the fun was really crankin' up now. I scooped him into my arms and had to carry him the length of the restaurant while blood was flying into food. Oh, no, I just wish I was exaggerating. All eyes were on us as a ripple of pale-faced onlookers put down their forks, nauseated, and waiters squinted at us with glares of "Great, there go my tips!" Of course, my son's only concern was "not the women's bathroom, Mom! Everyone will laugh at me! Don't take me in the girl's!" Yeah, I'm not so sure it's your XY chromosome they're gawking at right now, son.

Mercifully, hubby had the good sense to meet us at the bathrooms where we were able to make our great escape through the back doors, with nary a waiter willing to complain about it. As the nosebleed subsided, we made our way over to the stadium just in time for the national anthem and enthusiastic shouts of "play ball!" The game was GREAT! The atmosphere was FANTASTIC! The guy behind us was....SO WEIRD! I really can't even describe why. His conversation just sort of resembled, well, no one I've ever heard. "You see that guy right there. Hey, you see him? Yeah, balloons are blue all right. Uh huh." Let's just say, I don't really think a Bud is wiser when you've been sipping them since breakfast already. Luckily, though, we just "got" to hear his unusual take on puffy clouds and parakeets. It was the cute kids behind us who were faced with having to try to ignore or respond to his friendliness. Fortunately for us. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

All in all, one good thing I can say about our evening is that, miraculously, the kids avoided having to see brains splattered all over the highway on the way home from the two bikers who decided to drag race through bumper to bumper traffic. And the memories from our night together will certainly be cemented firmly into adulthood! After all, the family who nosebleeds and walks through sticky puddles on the floor together.......well, whatever. Oh! And I didn't have to cook. That right there pretty much makes it ALL worth it, don't cha think!

My Name Is... IRL

I have a short list of blogs I check as often as I make it to the computer, which obviously hasn't been very often this week. (It's kinda been a crazy one...) One of my hands down very favorite blogs to visit is Big Blueberry Eyes. It's a slice of life for the Helferich's, a military family living in New Mexico and raising an adorable toddler, for whom the blog is aptly titled. Each week Michelle, the blog's author, describes her blessings for the week in a post (among others) called "Grains of Gratitude." I have often thought I would also like to contribute my post to this encouraging link list, but so far I haven't taken the time to figure it out. But this week, Michelle and her family would have made my short list, just as they do when I read blogs.

That's because I got to meet this sweet family in person! My very first IRL (In Real Life) meeting, and it was terrific. Michelle, her husband Joe and little Kayla have been enjoying a cross country three-week vacation to visit Michelle and Joe's parents and attend her sister's graduation. While reading of their adventures, I realized they would be passing back by right near where I live! So we agreed on a McDonald's that my hubby located for a meeting spot and made it a date.

My kids and I pulled into the parking lot not sure if we or they had arrived first. They had, twenty minutes before they estimated and we were ten minutes late due to a turnpike detour - they were so incredibly kind to wait on us since they had so much traveling left to do. My first hint was a gentleman smiling at us from inside the restaurant with a look of familiarity from the BBE blog photos. My kids filed out of the car and as we headed inside I saw them! The namesake for Michelle's blog. Those BIG humongous beautiful berry BLUE eyes! They shined with pure joy behind a glass pane window upon which her tiny nose was pressed. As we entered in, Kayla immediately offered the sweetest hug. She was a tiny little doll - and her eyes almost neon blue. We made introductions and ordered a snack and sat down.

The kids instantly made themselves at home with each other, even getting a bit rambunctious after being cooped up in our perspective cars. Like all toddlers often do, Kayla saw a yummy french fry and smoothly snuck it off my youngest son's wrapper. As Michelle started to apologize, I couldn't help but laugh inside thinking I knew she was about see my son for how I always describe him. But he said it too quietly for her to hear. Justice turned to me coyly with his eyes squinted and a goofy grin and whispered, "Mom, Kayla is really cute!" Then he BEGGED me not to tell Michelle, and I obliged for that afternoon, but I just had to share that with her now! He didn't mind that missing french fry one bit! :)

Joe and Michelle and Kayla were the kind of friends my husband and I would have in our every day lives. They were kind, humble and easy-going. We talked about their vacation, military life, our families, and of course, blogging. And I tried to thank them adequately enough for taking so much time out of a long day of driving just to say hello to a friend met online. They were just sweet precious people and I really enjoyed our time together. They now know our real names, just like our "real-life" friends, and that's from now on just how I'll view them. Thank you Joe, Michelle and Kayla for stopping to say "HI."

Edit To Add: I think it must be one of Kayla's life callings to give hugs. See this photo? There was tangible affection in that embrace, which she freely initiated. Pure, innocent, joyous encouragement. A little Grain of Gratitude for my week!

We're Multitasking While I've Been Away

I'm still officially on a writing break (well, blogging - I've been doing a lot of other type of writing I'll post about in a week or two), but this was short and so funny, I had to record it. Several years ago, I found the neatest book for my Grandmother for Christmas. It was all about where famous phrases originated. "Giving my two cents worth," "He has a chip on his shoulder," "Singing for your supper," etc. It was a fascinating book and recently I asked her to see it, but she doesn't remember it. Just a few minutes ago, though, I got to witness first hand how such phrases might come about. The kids and I were cleaning out our very junked up car after school when the younger two decided to take an unscheduled break (after not very much work). This rather irritated Dalton, who often does more than his fair share of the chores. When he looked over to see the two of them conspiring to remove the wrapper from a small piece of bubble gum, Dalton yelled at them, "Come on guys - you need to help. It IS POSSIBLE to clean and chew gum at the SAME TIME!" I just assumed he was trying to be funny, except that he was so perturbed. So my laughter made him wonder what was so funny. I explained to him that he had just coined a variation of a very famous phrase!

A Child's Guide To Product Endorsement

As someone who once spent her time publicizing events for radio and television networks, I now try to pass some of that knowledge on to my kids. I tell them how a lot of companies employ someone whose job it is to make that company look good and that is what I used to do. But I also tell them I only worked for people whose companies I really believed in and that some people try to make companies look good when they really are not.

Like INSURANCE. My apologies to anyone who works for an insurance company. It's just that, so far, my husband and I haven't found the particular one that isn't a big black sucking hole of injustice. If yours is different, by all means, PLEASE let me know about it. But only if it IS good. Don't just try to make it look that way. I can spot those tricks, remember?

So anyhoo, I am forever teaching the kids to spot the TACTICS. They crack me up walking through the grocery store, declaring loudly to one another, "Just because the picture on the (cereal) box is of "Superman," Justice, doesn't mean you're gonna get him. It might just be that weird blob guy inside." Or "I know it SAYS if you buy it, you'll get a jump rope with it free, Faith, but not until you buy two more boxes first and then send in the bar codes and wait 4-6 weeks. Plus it will be at least two more weeks before we buy the next box, so you're gonna be waiting all summer. Wouldn't you rather just earn a dollar cleaning the car and take it to the dollar store for a jump rope?" Oh, yeah, Baby - I've got them speaking SAVVY, I tell you. But perhaps I may have also inundated them with a few too many phrases? Take for example this conversation at breakfast this morning (based on this bucket of raisins):

Dalton: Hey, Faith, isn't that the Chiquita banana lady you're supposed to bring the outfit for Ms. P. to dress up in for your banquet tonight?

Faith: Noooooo. (Silly boy!) That's.....well, I don't think she has a name. But she's the national fan of raisins!

Like NASCAR......but for fruit?

They make me laugh like a senior on Cyalis who is now free from frequent urination. Or whatever that stuff does.

Treasure Hunters - Family Edition

It's hard to know where to start on this particular post. Do I begin by describing my incredible mother-in-law, who has the strength and grace to endure the death of her husband, both parents, and her oldest son with a press-on, can-do attitude while working full time, caring for two dependent sons and still being the prototypical game-playing, cookie-baking Grandma? (Did I already mention the woman is INCREDIBLE?) Or should I start with my playful, only recent, just-daydreaming-because-it's-fun sudden desire to own a lake house where we can take our children and their friends on the weekends to avoid the eventual pitfalls of heightened weekend temptations?

Maybe I'll start with Easter Sunday. It was SO RELAXING and fulfilling to go to Grandma's (my MIL) house for our traditional holiday gathering of my husband's family. This includes my husband's mother, his two unmarried brothers, his married sister and brother-in-law and their four children (three grown and a girl my daughter's age), my MIL's sister and her husband and the five of us. Plus the girlfriend, boyfriend and fiance of my nieces and nephew. Confused yet? Anyway, we love our time of getting together for holidays at Grandma's house because there are no expectations but hugs. We eat, the ladies gab or play games, the men watch sports and fall asleep on the couch, the kids play billiards and jump on the trampoline, and then we eat again. It's heavenly.

And though we all live in various directions on the outskirts of a large metropolitan area, we just don't get to see each other all at once like this very often. So we exchange more detailed accounts of life since we last saw each other and make plans for more fellowship between certain ones of us. You know, typical family stuff. Until I mentioned my lofty little wish. Someone had asked about our new neighborhood and school and how we were enjoying all the changes lately in our lives and somehow we got around to discussing the dwindling possibilities for friends for our children who actually, um, behave and encourage rather than tempt and put down. And how we absolutely cherish the good friends that they do have and wouldn't it be nice if you could just isolate them on a island for the weekend and set them free with kites and sloppy sandwiches and boogy boards and let them be kids?! And the whole thing was really just so tongue-in-cheek and light hearted and "Aw shucks.....don't you wish they could just experience 'the good ole' days?"

UNTIL.

My sweet MIL forms an invisible light bulb over her head and runs off into her office. She returns a couple of minutes later with a yellowed piece of neatly folded paper and a look of deep thought on her face. "You know. I had forgotten ALL about it, but when you guys were very, VERY little, your father purchased a piece of land on Lake U. and I know I we have the deed in there somewhere, but here is a map of where it's located. Do you think it's anywhere near the water?" She hands the paper to my husband and I and we study it with my BIL and SIL looking on behind us. We decide to go the computer and use GOOGLE Earth to try to match the lay of the land to the lot lines. Instantly, we find a matching street name. This was not expected at all since the lots located on the map were apparently the first construction in that area and ours was purchased before my husband's birth and all.

Now, let me just explain a bit here that I've been toying with this whole idea recently purely for my personal entertainment, never expecting to actually really pursue it. And I never ask for material things in prayer. There is no intention to sound pious here; I just don't need to ask for material things because God has been SO GOOD to us and I have so many more pressing matters that I fall asleep practically begging for those before I've ever had a chance to get around to thinking about that stuff. But the other night, I did feel sort of supernaturally led to just share with God my silly little wish for a private place for my family to escape whenever we wanted to enjoy ourselves without the world's influence. I never specified that I hoped we could own it. I just casually let God know it would be such a blessing to have a place to occasionally recharge from the almost daily exposure to innappropriate examples and naughty billboards.

So we match up the general location of the two lots my FIL bought 40 years ago for an astounding $250! And it's AT THE POINT OF THE ONLY ISLAND IN ONE OF THE BIGGEST LAKES IN OUR STATE ONLY 2 HOURS AWAY!!! Can you here my screaming? AHHHHH! And my amazing, sweet, intelligent, completely crazy MIL had "just forgotten all about it!" (Let me interject here that this officially constitutes a pattern. On another occasion, she was reminded her husband had purchased 10 acres in a mid-size town that turned out to have a gas station on it in a prime location. This cracks me up! I was blessed in every way for the MIL I get to have, but has she lost her fun-loving mind?! And I have always heard stories of how my FIL like to "dabble" in entrepreneurial efforts, but it seems he did all right with it after all!)

The funny thing is, I have had no problem keeping my anticipation in check. We are all planning to make a trip out there to scout out the EXACT location (we could only narrow it down to 2 rural neighborhoods) together in a couple of weeks. We also found out my FIL's brother also owns half the property, so we will invite him to go with us and hear his rightful input as well. It may turn out to be a terrible location. Forty years later, who knows what has become of the development? But just the fact that we have been given this fun little extended family adventure is thrilling! I really haven't had to force myself not to care how it actually turns out. I just love the opportunity to hunt down this fun mystery together. And if we find out we own some lake front property that's actually usable, then you can bet I'll be singing Hallelujah even underwater. At least on the weekends - when I'm not otherwise helping my husband to ransack his mother's office!

Apparently Acne Lowers Your Chances Of Serious Injury

The kids came home tonight from the first service of our Missions Conference all talking at once. They were SO EXCITED to meet the assigned missionaries each of their classes has been praying for all year and share what they had learned from them. Some of the children and teachers had dressed up like peoples native to the missionaries' countries. I loved hearing the concern and compassion in their voices from some of the harsh stories they had heard. My older son was particularly interested in their very different religious beliefs. "Miss A. dressed up like one of those people that wears a veil and a dot on their head. The people (who do that) think that the dot is an eye that can see evil and danger and protect them from it." Not intending to be sarcastic at all, my daughter answered with genuine excitement "Mom, that means you would be REALLY safe in their country. You have LOTS of eyes to watch out for you."

After the reality wears off, then I'll formulate my witty comeback.

More Cute Quips

What would this world be without children? They save your sanity on weeks like this one where getting out of bed seems like a dangerous risk to take. How I love all their sweet funniness!

As I tried for fifteen minutes to arouse the children from sleep this morning and they remained in their state of comfortable comatose, Faith finally offered a pucker of the lips as a sign of life. Perhaps it was her way of tricking me into thinking she was making a real effort at bona fide movement. "I'm a fish" she moaned. "Well" I said, "why don't you be a Fashion Fish and go put your new clothes on? I laid out your new pink sparkle shirt and pink rain boots." Within 4 1/2 seconds she was up and on her way to get dressed. All it took were the words "new", "clothes", "pink", and "sparkle" for her to snap to!

Later as we ate breakfast, Faith declared with rather ceremonious giggles "Hee hee hee, I ripped a toot!" (Which we allow talk of only within the confines of our own twisted home.) "Ew, Faith!" I teased. "We're about to eat." "Well, girls DO toot TOO, you know." "Yes." I said. "But it's strictly a boy thing to actually be proud of it." Then Dalton spoke up. "I don't know, Mom, did you hear it? It was definitely one to be proud of!"

I am so glad they support each other.

Driving down the highway to run errands, my son spotted a mini semi truck sporting colorful photographs of pizzas enlarged to six feet tall on the sides of it. "Oh, cool, Mom look!" Is that truck carrying a bunch of pizzas?!" "I bet it is!" I said excitedly for him. "Oh, Mom, I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! How cool is that?! Getting to drive the pizza truck!" High standards, this guy. Just see what he aspired to in yesterday's post. We've got to sit him down and have a talk. Well, O.K., not yet. He's still good for a few more years of cheap entertainment. : )

The Deep Philosophical Thoughts of a Five-Year-Old

Today as we were browsing the store for necessities, my little guy was rambling incessantly about all of the really important typical guy topics. On and on and on he talked about poop, toilet paper, sports and toys with nary a breath to be taken. As we were finishing our checkout process and leaving the store, he spotted a large colorful poster of the green M&M mascot standing next to a gigantic ice cream sandwich. Without so much as a comma in his stream of thought he relayed all his profound realizations on the matter.

"Hey I bet when M&M gets hungry he really doesn't even have dessert because he can just eat his self right Momma in fact I bet that's why dogs lick themselves probably because to them selves they taste good huh maybe if I get really really hungry enough and I lick myself I would taste good too...."

And then my concentration on his verbiage just waned. I got stuck on the humor of his wanting to try licking himself like a dog in order to enjoy a good snack. I really must learn to cook a little better.

Sunday Funnies

My husband walked in yesterday morning and asked to the home populous in general, "Has anyone seen my razor?"

"Not unless it's hot pink," I joked. I had seen the bubble gum colored razor in the children's shower and had JUST FINISHED having a conversation with my 7-year-old daughter about whether she was trying to grow up too fast. I realized after a moment or two that she in fact really did not know where the razor had come from. Then it dawned on me that Grandma must have left it when she visited last week.

"Of course, it's not hot pink; it's black," my husband said. "Do they MAKE hot pink razors?"

At this point, I was thinking, "Lord, I know he's a guy and all and recognizing details is not necessarily their forte, but is he SERIOUS?! OF COURSE he must know that women use hot pink razors!"

"Yes." I said. "I've had one."

"O.K. I don't know how I didn't know about that."

At this point I'm thinking "why would I make an announcement about what color razor I'm using to shave on any given day?"

My thoughts were interrupted by my husband's excitement. "Oh, good, here it is!"

And he held up his slender new cell phone!

I guess if it cleans something, he's the one without a clue. If it runs on batteries and involves invisible energy and cool gadget thingy-ma-doos, then obviously I am the one living in the dark.

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An hour later, my husband was busy gathering up supplies to work in the shop with his buddies. They were coming over to build boats for the kids to compete in the "Regatta Race" at our church's Wednesday night children's program.

He turned into the bathroom and shut the door. From the other side, I heard him yell (why, oh why, do people always seem to want to hold a conversation from INSIDE the confines of a restroom?!), "Hey kids, one of you please go get me some toilet paper. We need to have some in here. I've got gas galore!"

???????????????

A minute or two later as he finished up business and walked out I teased, "So glad you gave us the play by play about EXACTLY what was going on in there."

He looked puzzled.

So I repeated what he had said. "We need toilet paper in here because I have gas galore?"

He laughed because he had just been explaining to ME that our son seems to be having hearing issues. Then he corrected, "No! I SAID we need to put some toilet paper in that bathroom because I have GUESTS COMING OVER!!!"

Well, that's much more thoughtful, then.............

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And would you believe, as I typed the above and hit "spell check", that "thingy-ma-doos" didn't get highlighted? HUH!

I Still Got It!

Today has been gloriously devoid of anything resembling serious adult responsibility, except for a quick 20-minute run to the grocery store for hamburger meat to grill out. Because I only needed a few items, yet live a few miles out of town, I went to the store closest to our house. It's one I've never been to before because their prices are generally akin to buying books for college. Oh, what met me there! Literally.

I was serenely perusing the bread aisle in search of buns (hamburger, that is) that would be pleasing to all when I caught the shadow of a tall male approaching me out of my periphreal vision. Almost before I had time to register the source of the figure, a friendly, fast-talking man stood face to face with me. "Hi." He said. "I know this may seem a little forward and all, but I just watched you as you walked in here from your car and I know this may sound a little forward, but you know, I just said to myself that you are a fine looking woman and I just decided the only way to get to know you a little is to just come up and introduce myself and say "Hi."

As he spoke the man was standing a foot or two away from me with his right hand resting on the side of my shopping cart, mere inches from my purse handles. Right or wrong, my instincts told me there was the possibility, given this man was barely a nudge beyond puberty and I am, well, cresting the summit of the mountain of life, that this guy really wanted my purse more than he wanted me.

He continued before I could formulate a response.

"My name is D. and I know this sounds forward and all (for the 3rd time! ha ha), but I just thought to myself, you know, I am 22 years old now and being 22, I feel that I am at an age where, you know, I just gotta assert myself, you know and if I find that a girl is pretty, I just gotta tell her so. Otherwise, how could I at least see if something could maybe go on between us. You know? So, anyway, I know you're probably just a little bit older than me, but I'd like to ask you out. I'd like to show you around a bit. Or, you know, maybe since you're older than me (um, yeah, point taken), you could probably show me a thing or two."

Normally, my chin would have been hanging on the ground in astonishment, but honestly, I couldn't shake the feeling that if I were to divert eye contact for even a split second, I may suddenly lose my ability to fork out the dough needed to feed my family. So I did what I do when I am feeling both suspicious and amused - I smiled. And made direct eye contact. Which I only hope was not egging the whole thing on.

In my friendliest tone I offered, "Well, I would show you to slow it down a little bit, take a little time. Yeah. This is coming on kinda strong. And you otherwise strike me as a very friendly guy, except that maybe you're trying a little too hard." Then we both laughed.

"Yeah. Really, I hope you'll take me for how I meant it. You're just a beautiful woman. And, I mean, I don't know if you're already hooked up or what (to which I'm thinking YEAH, BUT YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED TALKING LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO TELL YOU) but you know, if you'd like, I'd love to ask you out, you know, if you're not together with someone yet."

"Well, yes, I am happily married and I have three children."

"Wow! D*@#! No, I would not have thought that. I mean, well you're just real pretty. And I don't go for that, but, you know, I hope that even if this can't be that at least, you know, I can at least offer you a compliment that might help your day, because, you know, even if it can't lead to nothing, I think it's still good to let people know what you think and hopefully make them feel good anyway. I mean, if you feel you can give someone a good compliment and they can maybe know they have a reason to feel good, then why not, you know what I mean. So hey, I mean, you have a great day. O.K.?"

And as quickly as his shadow had appeared into the corner of my eye, he disappeared out the front doors of the store. Without my purse. And I couldn't help but chuckle when he left, realizing that was the most awkwardly delivered "compliment" I have ever received!

Or maybe I was just laughing inside at such a funny prospect. I find myself at an age when I can't even figure out if I have just been hit on by some romantically challenged, well-meaning young guy OR - am I finally getting old enough to look like a easily targeted, mentally distracted victim? One thing is for sure. At least I know I still got it! (My purse, that is!)

Wedding Rituals

I love my niece. She is my niece by marriage, but we couldn't be any closer if she was an actual blood relative. Neither could her mom and me for that matter. My sister-in-law and I don't necessarily talk every day or even for weeks sometimes because we are both so busy raising large active families. But she is still the encouraging, protective older sister I never had growing up. And her little girl called me last Friday night to share something very special with me. I felt so privileged to be one of the first to hear. "Guess what, I'm getting married!"

The truth is that I had already had a head's up from her mom that things were about to take place and it just about killed me waiting to congratulate her! Her fiance did the right thing and asked her parents' permission before waiting five loooong days to make it official in truly romantic style - a photographic trip down memory lane - displayed so beautifully with mushy explanations for what made each of their celluloid moments so special to him. Leo is the guy the whole extended family has wanted to be "the one" for a long time. We were just waiting around for Lindsay to feel confident enough to finally figure that out too!

Lindsay also had some wonderful news for my seven-year-old daughter. (We are three peas in a pod - all of us loving fashion and ceremony) She gets to be the flower girl! Yay! She is over the moon, for sure. However, Lindsay has also tapped my older son to be the miniature groom with my other niece, Lindsay's little sister for the mini bride. And my youngest son has been honored with the Ring Bearer title.

While all of this is quite exciting for the estrogen-induced members of our household, the boys have been a little more hesitant to say the least. They love their cousin. And more importantly to them, they love Leo. If being in his wedding means they might get to wrestle with him at the reception and throw cake into each other's mouths hoops-style, well, they might just have to consider walking down the aisle their obligatory privilege.

"But" my little one wanted to know, "What is a Ring Bear? Please tell me I don't have to wear a costume."

"No." I replied. "It's not Ring Bear. It's Ring Bearer. A Ring Bearer is the one who takes the wedding rings down the aisle to give to the people getting married so they can give them to each other. And you'll probably be wearing a tuxedo."

"Why don't they just carry their own rings?"

"Because it's just fancier to make a big deal out of the rings by having everyone know that the ring part is about to happen. And wedding dresses don't have pockets."
(It's always good to confuse them with a backup reason so they forget to ask "Why?"

"Well, how will I take the rings down there?"

"On a pillow."

"On a pillow?! What the heck do you carry rings on a pillow for?! That makes no sense. That's just silly! Pillows are for sleeping. Not for a wedding!"

SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE-BLUE RED-BLOODED AMERICAN BOY!

Later we got back on the topic of the tuxedos - after mentioning the wedding is in July and will be held outdoors.

"Mom, that will be too hot for a suit! And PLEASE tell me I don't have to wear a bow on my neck!"

"Well, that's just what's traditional. But Lindsay's pretty stylish. Maybe she'll have you wear white pants and shirt or something."

"Yeeeeaaahh! That would be so cool. Then I could wear my football pants!" (And he was serious.)

And my older son, upon hearing he would be paired up with his own cousin (the one who has a crush on him and justifies it by way of her adoption - just like I did when I was little and had a crush on my adopted cousin) to play bride and groom? Well, I have no idea how his ten-year-old self knew to make a joke about it by bringing up Arkansas, but that is what he did.

So as you can tell, Leo pretty much holds all the man-who-gets-how-to-make-a-girl-swoon cards around here. But then, he had a bubbly, talented girl to get to say "Yes!" And I 'm so glad she did. Congratulations Lindsay and Leo!

Our Pre-K Crass-anova

A CONVERSATION LAST NIGHT IN OUR LIVING ROOM

My 5-Year-Old: "Oh, my goodness, did you hear that, Dad, that guy said 'She's Hot.' She is NOT hot!"

My Hubby: "That guy just meant that she wasn't cool. I mean comfortable. He was explaining why she was fanning herself!"

5-Y-O (slyly): "I know, but I know what the other kind of hot means."

Hubby: "How do you know THAT?!"

5-Y-O: "Because I just know what it means."

Hubby: "What does it mean?"

5-Y-O (giggling): "It means cute."

Hubby: "Well, that's true."

5-Y-O: "I know because I've heard you say Mom is hot..... But she's not."

Me: "What?"

5-Y-O: "Moms are not hot."

SILENCE

Hubby: "Moms can be hot."

Me: (to hubby): ONLY the Mom you are married to can be hot!"

5-Y-O: "No. Moms are not hot because they have kids."

Me: (to 5-Y-O, wondering how we raised such a chauvinist): "So if you have kids, you can't be cute anymore?!"

5-Y-O: "Yeah."

Hubby: "Why?"

5-Y-O (to hubby): "Because if a lady has kids, she is already married so she can not marry anybody else. And I shouldn't like a girl if she's already married. That's why Mom is not hot. Because she is already YOUR wife. So she can't be cute to ME because I have to marry somebody else."

Hubby: "OH! So you mean she can be hot to me, but not to you!"

5-Y-O: "Yeah. Of course. I can't marry her. She's my mom. But for you she's cute."

Me: "Yeah, to Daddy I better be hot. I better be the only hot Mama he knows!"

5-Y-O Giggles.

Cute Blog Party Humor

I have received such friendly comments for the Ultimate Blog Party and I am looking forward to visiting your sites soon. Today, though, I'm taking care of my very favorite little lady, who is feeling yucky and bored and in need of company.

In the mean time, I'll share a cute joke my grandmother told me that my nephew told her (or vice-versa; I'm not sure, but I want to give them due credit):

Three couples were at a dinner party one evening enjoying a time of fellowship together. One was a newly married young couple, one was middle-aged empty-nesters, and one was a sweet older couple married almost fifty years. As dinner was presented and the couples passed around serving dishes, the starry-eyed newlywed groom leaned in closely to his wife and whispered cleverly, "Would you please pass me the chicken, DUMPLING?" She blushed with a grin and passed him the chicken. Now the empty-nest husband saw the other lady's pleased reaction and decided a little flirtation with his own wife might impress her. So he said, "Would you please pass the me the honey, MUFFIN?" She sighed wistfully at her hubby for being so romantic after all their years together. Now the elderly man had witnessed both of the other couples enjoying this little game and decided he would take his turn at wooing his wife, also. He looked her in the eyes and smiled lovingly with his polished dentures. "Would you please pass the tea, BAG?"

Now isn't that just too cute?

I'm going to go in with my sweet sick daughter now to watch Little People, Big World and Home Makeover - Extreme Edition (I have NEVER made it through an episode without crying) while painting our nails. We hardly ever watch TV and these are two of the few that are appropriate anymore. Thanks to everyone who has stopped by to say "Hello" and just know I will swing by your place as soon as I can.

Have a great evening!