Life Is Lighter

Blogging is a sort of signal of the drastic changes that are taking place in my life. That I have time to do something I really enjoy. Three years ago, I could have never guessed that the trials we were embarking on could bring so much strain. It still doesn't make sense to people when we try to explain it. "So, you lived in a home that was too small; then you moved. Who doesn't do that at some point? Sure it's stressful, but it's really no big deal." But that was just the part of our situation that was visible. There is SO MUCH MORE to the story that was mostly unknown, because the details were far too tedious and complicated to repeat more than about that first five times. And frankly, we just haven't had the time to linger on recounting the tale for either sympathy or prayers. Those who know us best just trusted that when we emphasized rather emphatically (MANY times) that we needed prayer, well then, we needed it. The rest had already forgotten that the whole cycle of stress was set in motion by the death of our brother. It really was no small thing.

But what it all boils down to is this. The past three years brought more responsibility than time to deal with it. It wasn't so much the trials themselves that were so extremely frustrating to us. It was the lack of time to DO A GOOD JOB at it. And the well-intentioned people, albeit mostly ignorant of the situation, with an abundance of advice that was some version of "you make the time for what's important." We said so many prayers - MANY - for God's clear direction on what to eliminate from our routines that wasn't exactly necessary, and many mistakes in trying to follow through. I, particularly, eliminated hobbies and fellowship entirely, assuming they must be frivolous. Big Mistake! That makes for one grouchy, estrogen- laden lady, doing that! But from that mistake I learned the value of PLAY. I eliminated home school, though I still sometimes miss it very much. But I learned that I was trusting IN the home school more than IN Him to keep my kids on the straight and narrow. I, along with my hubby, eliminated, or at least really limited, our couple time. Not a good idea either. But television watching, church obligations, and other people's expectations had already been eliminated by that point, so what to do? Well, I'll tell you. We realized that God HAD ALLOWED such a season for a purpose. He in fact HAD put more on our plates than 24 hours daily allowed time for as much as some people will argue that point with me, but I know now why He did it and what He accomplished in me because of it. I was FORCED to let things go. To realize that the world will not fall apart EVEN if we don't eat dinner one night or send someone birthday greetings a week late by phone as opposed to on time with a nice card or the kids skip school for one day because there is NO clean laundry. God let the pendulum of my Perfectionism swing SO FAR the other way and because of it, I'm so much more laid back. So much more encouraging and less demanding of people. I'm more willing to try and to fail, realizing that success is not about reaching goals only, but about the lessons learned in the PROCESS of trying something new.

Why is all of this on my mind tonight? Well, I realized after a conversation with a friend today at the kids' school that scorpion season is upon us. She relayed how she was very recently bitten and proceeded to tell me, with all sincerity, that she would take child labor over the pain of a scorpion bite ANY DAY! And I panicked, realizing our home still looks like we've lived here only a couple of weeks though we moved in July. It's a tornado zone really. Not just cluttered - but after an extremely busy week, it's not vacuumed. There are no dishes done. There are spots on the wall where someone shook up and opened a bottle of Pepsi. There are still boxes in every room and piles of laundry in most of them and dirty toilets. There's paperwork in every conceivable nook and cranny. Half of the beds have no sheets on them.....etc., etc., etc.

All the way home I thought about those scorpions. We had four in our house here last summer. And then I thought again about how busy our week has been. And about some posts I've read this week from people with devastating health issues about the brevity of life and choosing what's really important. And about how God has taught me so many of those same lessons these past 3 years, but through my very different set of circumstances. And about how that is so much of WHY my house is in the very state it is in. Because I HAVE BEEN choosing hugs over dusting and discipline over laundry and forming new friendships over doing the dishes. And then I thought about how those things WILL indeed HAVE to be done at some point. And then the scorpions again. And then I carefully weighed the pros and cons - because I will never quite entirely know how to pinpoint that fine line between striving for excellence and going over board trying to be TOO perfect. That will probably always be a struggle for me. Finally, I looked out at a perfect evening and the four people nearest and dearest to my heart. And I made a choice. I went out to watch my boys take batting practice, my daughter play with the baby next door, and my husband plant trees with such contentment on his stress-free face. And though we'll probably be having popcorn for dinner and wearing the same jeans tomorrow, I didn't regret it. Sure, I know I could be catching up right now instead of typing my blog, but as much as I thought I would remember all those magical moments from bygone years, so many of them have faded. Now I have this gift of blogging to ensure they're not again forgotten. I've no time for the guilt. I'll reserve guilt for those times that I treat people other than I ought to. Right now all I feel is gratitude. I'm so thankful for the trial that taught me to relish such moments, even though that trial is not entirely over. But even more so, I'm thankful to finally have more of those moments to stop and appreciate!

Unfortunatley I Can't THINK Of A Very Catchy Title

Recently I was surprised and really uplifted to receive a comment from Robin at Robinznest saying she had chosen me as one of the five top blogs that "make me think." WOW!! I have seen the button on other blogs, but quite honestly had not thought about receiving it because I figured any "wisdom" I have to impute is really just a collection of lessons learned the really hard way. Stuff like "take extra clothes everywhere you go." I learned that because my daughter's clothes have a metaphysical NEED for mustard stains before re-entry to the laundry room. Or, "don't try calling Mom anytime in the afternoon because she won't be able to talk." No matter when I call between the hours of 12:00 - 5:00, it will inevitably be the exact time she was able to squeeze in lunch that day. (See, maybe if I really were a deep thinker, I would realize she's probably just trying to avoid my drama with a lunch time excuse- hee hee.)

Really, though, I am thrilled that Robin evidently found something thoughtful in my silly stories. What a sweet sentiment. I was especially touched that the award came from her. I have loved visiting her site ever since I went there the first time. That this came from someone whose wisdom I have admired from the beginning was a real, genuine encouragement to me. Robin is so laid back. So tender toward her girls. So simultaneously wise and humble in sharing her own parenting triumphs and faux paus. So hopeful that with a good effort and a lot of prayer, they do end up loving Jesus like we hope they will. I just love all that I learn from her stories of raising her own little ones into the young women they are today. She makes me want to pick up and go on when I've blown it. And waste no time on all the guilt. THANK YOU Robin, for the encouragement you've given by your nomination. You've been a real blessing to me today. (And the reason it took me a week to get around to this was trying to figure out the button! Now that took some deep thought for me! :) )

Now it's my turn to pick five blogs that make me think. Many I would choose have already earned the award, so I want to point you to some new ones. I figure the point of this is to introduce you to other blogs who have something to offer in the way of changing your perspective for the better. And I'm adding one just because I can. So here they are, six bloggers who make me think:

A Pink Carnation In Bloom
Blessed Assurances
In The Midst Of This Season
Renovating This Heart
The Journey to Sky
Tirzah's Wanderings

So ladies, here is what you need to do, if you want to participate:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme

3. Optional: Proudly display the “Thinking Blogger Award” with a link to the post that you wrote. (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

Not Exactly The Plan

Well....I sort of hinted at an update to the weekend for this post, but I have been avoiding it most of the day. In whatever I write, I want to be honest. We did not exactly have the weekend we had planned. The fact is that one of our biggest issues is lack of couple time. We had not been alone together for so much as a dinner since last July. Unfortunately, it was more necessary to discuss issues we have not been able to discuss openly in front of the children than it was to wine and dine. Some of these discussions were frustrating and difficult, but I think we actually accomplished more long term by having some time to communicate than the relaxation would have contributed. And one of those things was that we NEED to have these types of discussions FAR MORE OFTEN whether or not work is looming! There are things we just haven't discussed in order to protect the children. My need to be away from them came only from a need to talk openly without them present and I believe my husband finally understood that. We need to protect them, and simply ignoring the big issues because they are present doesn't do that. After 12 years, that we are still sorting through this stuff astounds (and irritates) us both. But then, when we said "for better or for worse," we had to tackle the "for worse" part so much sooner than we ever anticipated! So now, we are playing "catch up" on the better, I suppose. At least I can trust we are both committed to it! When we said "I do", we both meant it. We both considered those words a promise to God first, even before each other, or now our children. We fear God. And that's a healthy thing sometimes to get us through. I like that word "us." I have been wanting to use it, and mean it, for so VERY VERY long. And I feel hopeful that through many tears, it is happening.

Going Away

I am literally about to spend only 10 minutes getting everyone packed (not my favorite way to do things) so my husband and I can go downtown to celebrate our wedding anniversary, but I saw just now that there are so many comments I am REALLY wanting to answer - about baseball, a bombing firefighter with a baby, and a surprise honor I've been given. But first, I am going to enjoy being a grown up for two days, with no arguing children, no body else's preferences to consider (well, none who watch cartoons, anyway), and no stress to cook!!! YAY! Then I'll come back on Monday and try to get all caught up.

Have a blessed weekend, everybody!

April 19 Reflections

It struck me so odd this morning as I tuned in my television for that annual ritual - how time insists on moving forward, whether we permit it to or not. It still just doesn't really seem like all that long ago. Twelve years ago today, it was the biggest news story in every American city and across much of the world. It was so surreal, so very shocking. But in the dozen years since the Murrah Federal Bombing 15 miles from my home and only 3 days before my wedding day, we've experienced an even bigger atrocity in 9/11. And RIGHT NOW, we are processing the massacre at Virginia Tech. And in between the two, there have been a multitude of other life defining moments, both public and private. The Iraq war, the Indian Tsunami and the flooding in New Orleans, political corruption, miscarriages, weddings, divorces, deaths and new babies. Life indeed goes on. In fact, one of our very own local stations ran regular programming today for the first year since "the bombing," a term whose reference is automatically understood in these parts.

I didn't feel the bombing like everyone else did. I was sleeping in to recuperate from the emotional exhaustion of preparing for our wedding while coping with my fiance's own grief. His dad had passed away suddenly just 12 days earlier. Our out-of-town guests experienced it though. Anyone within a 50 mile radius and not asleep when it happened has a vivid description to share. It was that powerful. My slumber turned out to be a blessing in disguise. At the time of the blast, I was supposed to be at the downtown courthouse securing our wedding license. The courthouse was located directly next door to the explosion, and two people inside were killed by falling debris.

In a realistic display of the sickness that sometimes lurks in our society, we were not able to locate an open courthouse anywhere in our state for two days, due to copycat threats at nearly all of them. Finally on Friday, less than 24 hours before "I do's," a sweet country-girl court clerk agreed to stay 20 minutes past quitting time to issue us our license 45 minutes away. After that she would have to leave to meet her family for a school function. We drove 90 mph most of the way and still barely made it. As we made our way back to the parking lot with that all important piece of paper, we were told to stay in our car as we witnessed a cavalcade of black Suburbans enter the premises in a quiet formal line. We wouldn't know until the 10:00 news that it was Timothy McVeigh. The door you've seen him exit on television as people boo in the background is the same one we entered to get legal proof of our impending marriage.

Two years later, my newlywed status was fading even as I was expecting our first child. Feeling clueless, we signed up for "baby classes" at the hospital. I was a new Christian and had shared the Gospel easily with my family but I was very much struggling to speak to strangers about Him. I really just struggled to speak to anyone new to me, period. But in that class, I stepped out on faith. I don't remember anything of the actual conversation, only that I apparently found the restroom to be the perfect locale to tell her about the love of Christ! We laugh about it now. We laugh about a lot now! God took my meager, ill-delivered effort and gave to me a wonderful friend. Arlene is classy, attractive, articulate, intelligent, caring and passionate - about Jesus, her family, the moral state of our society, her friends and the unique challenges of teenagers - in that order. And she is an Oklahoma City Murrah bombing survivor. Her name is etched on the one remaining wall of the building left as part of the memorial to commemorate the strength and resolve of those who lived through it.

Shortly after the bombing, she became alcoholic dependent. She was newly married as well. She lost almost 20 co-workers, her friends, all on one day. She herself had been completely blinded for over three hours and her husband had taken nearly six hours to find her in all the chaos. Her desk sat on the fourth floor on the right side of the hole that you have no doubt seen on television. She was there that morning to serve our country in the offices of the U.S. Army with her enlistment ending just 10 days later. She had gotten up to retrieve coffee for her male boss only 20 seconds earlier. She once told me that she would have foolishly considered his request to be chauvinistic toward women only a couple of years earlier, but she too had recently trusted her heart to Jesus Christ, and she had become softer, less bitter and more caring. At least until she was challenged by that day. Had she not gone for coffee that day, I would never have had my friend. Her husband would never have had his two amazing boys who are trained in the Word daily. They are one reason I find hope for the society my children will live in. They are being taught to love, really truly love others, by someone who walks the walk. Someone who prayed her way off the alcohol, recommitted herself to God, began traveling the country to publicly speak her testimony, finally found the courage to expose the scars she had hidden under carefully planned clothing for several years, pen-pal counseled with victims of 9/11 (still does) and yes, forgave her tormentor completely.

She didn't go to the Memorial service today. She no longer needs to. There is no chance she'll ever forget that Spring day that started so beautifully, but she no longer dwells on it either. These days she spends working with the teenagers at her church, as I have done for many years at mine. We try to help them with the fear that a Virginia Tech tragedy could happen to them. We try to help them realize that goodness has to start somewhere, if not with lazy parents for some of them or bullies for others or in the awful, extreme cases of Oklahoma City and Virginia Tech, with an irrational, selfish murderer, then it is THEY who have the power to determine what kind of society they will produce. They get to decide if vindication is worth the down spiral of violence it creates. They have the choice to do good or to do evil. And they have the capacity, but only through Christ, to love those who don't necessarily deserve it, rather than choose revenge. THEY ARE CAPABLE of so much more than they often get the credit for. But the vast majority of them need a lot of encouragement to believe that. They - young people - when given the chance, often humble and amaze me. They are not the sum of a few misled evil perpetrators.

On this anniversary of the first modern day terrorism event on U.S. soil (except Pearl Harbor, perhaps?), in the fresh aftermath of the senseless carnage at Virginia Tech, from a woman whose been the very target and victim of such hatred on April 19, 1995, my friend Arlene, please just smile at the pimple-faced guy behind the counter at McDonald's next time you're there. Ask the teen aged cart handler in the Walmart parking lot how he's doing today and then really listen. Encourage the emerging young adults of today that they are capable and not helpless. Help them to know that they matter, because who they become certainly DOES matter. It matters a whole lot. We can not separate ourselves from those we find distasteful. They are our mission field. They are the future co-workers and neighbors of our own children. They absolutely matter.

May God bless each person who mourns a tragic death today. May He bring comfort to all those who grieve the loss of ANY loved one.

Awwww

I wasn't trying to spy, I promise. But I couldn't seem to stay off of Boomama's website yesterday, wanting to see the totals being raised for Heather to have the consultations at Mayo Clinic. And wanting to read all the comments to her and bask in the heightened knowledge of my uncountable blessings, especially my health. And there I saw almost every commenter who has ever been to my site, which granted is not a whole lot, but enough to give God a little to do a lot with. THANK YOU for being willing to step out on faith at the request of one stranger to bless another stranger. I just knew if you would go to her site, you would see why I have been so blessed by this sweet young woman. And though I know her no better than you all, I can't help but feel blessed myself by your participation. The last time I checked, the total was up to something near $9000! I'm just.....crying. I love knowing that at least some of her family's burden has been lessened and that my "friends" (because that's what your actions showed) helped! Thank you friends.

Boomama has stated that the donation button will be up for several more days if you decide that you can participate later. :0)

A Chance To Be A Blessing and Clearing Up A Misunderstanding

I do not have e-mail or the ability to retrieve a code for the pretty button, but please know that Boomama is hosting a fundraiser today for Heather at Especially Heather to pay for expenses for a trip to the Mayo clinic for consultation on a newly discovered brain tumor. This dear lady is an absolutely amazing GEM of a human being with a lot on her plate even before the diagnoses. I have donated through Boomama before and she does everything with full integrity. If God has blessed you with good health and a few extra dollars, please consider helping out this dear Sister. You do not have to have a blog to participate and any amount is appreciated.

__________

After a comment made IRL yesterday in response to my last post, I felt the need to better explain certain details. I originally omitted these details in an effort to shorten an already very long post, but I do want to explain.

This person implied that perhaps I was taking too many liberties in referring to the lake property as "ours." (And this was not someone in our family; in fact, it is someone with which I am only a casual acquaintance.) But I realized if one person had that thought, then others might as well.

Let me assure you that even as I wrote yesterday's post, I questioned whether this very misunderstanding might occur. But to include all I wanted about the story, I had to choose to write more than was likely to hold interest in the story (so that someone might be distracted from reading all the way down and miss all the details anyway) or to assume that by the very nature that my MIL introduced her property to us IN DIRECT RESPONSE to our desire for such a property, people could assume not only that we have her blessing, but that SHE indeed instigated this whole process. Using the term "ours" was simply shorter than explaining each time what was a monetary reference and what was a family project reference. Because that is foremost what this has been to us - all of us - a fun family adventure.

Let me explain that when I claim to have a wonderful MIL, those are not just words spoken for brownie points. And she knows that. She knows my heart and my gratitude for the person that she is. I entered my husband's family at an extremely personal time for them and that lent to an opportunity for right definitions in our relationships that not all families necessarily work out so easily. She has never treated me as anyone other than the wife of her son. She has never made me feel the pressure that being treated equal to her blood born daughter would bring, nor has she treated me like I am merely an appendage to an already established family. She treats me as an individual added to bring a new unique aspect to a great group of people. And I love her for it.

That said, what I wrote yesterday, I would have no problem having my MIL read. I do not walk on eggshells with her. If I say something stupid, she just assumes I had a momentary lapse in judgement as she admits to her own at times. (Yes, I DO KNOW how blessed I am.) She knows that when Greg and I speak in terms of "ours", that our focus is on the use and responsibility aspects of this venture, and not the financial. My husband and I have always been of the assumption that we are owed nothing from our parents. We are grateful when they choose to share with us. Whether it's property, advice, or babysitting. None of this needed to be explained within our own family. These sorts of issues have long gone back and forth between us - helping one another financially and otherwise in both directions. And though it's not really the business of anyone outside of our family, I will explain that those more mundane issues were already being loosely discussed. My MIL knew our family (my hubby and I) would likely use such a piece of property the most (assuming our uncle didn't also have other plans for the property if he indeed does own half), but we would also do the most maintenance and improvement on it because we have the equipment available to us to potentially add value to the property. Because of further details we have discovered but not yet been able to put into context (until our actual visit to view the property), it probably isn't worth a whole lot monetarily. My MIL WANTS this to be first and foremost a place for family gatherings (perhaps including her BIL's family), if it even pans out that way. We want to do the improvements for her (and potentially for our uncle - see how irritating and difficult this makes the reading?) that would make it worth more, whether or not we choose to make use of it. No one in our family questions that the property belongs to my MIL (and perhaps her BIL). I spoke in terms of "our" (reluctantly, at that) because she had ASKED me to do the research on it. So by saying "our," I was refering to my part in the "project" she had given me. She already has a full plate of responsibilites and I actually enjoy that sort of research. And our whole extended family's emphasis is on it being OURS in the sense of sharing it in order to share in each other.

I also might mention that my ending line of the afore mentioned post was purely intended for humor. I would NEVER go through my MIL's (or even MY OWN parents') stuff! It was intended purely as a humorous wrap-up to neatly end the story. (And to gently tease my MIL in her ongoing pattern of forgetting about key land ownership. : 0) ) File this one under "Obviously, Not As Funny As I Thought."

One last point: I don't believe there is any sort of dwelling on the property. I tried to read where I might have unintentionally implied such, but I'm pretty sure the property is just land. However, a BLOGCK party with tents sounds like lots of fun! Sorry if I confused anyone.

I originally wrestled with whether to post about this at all while details were still so sketchy for this very reason - that the lack of detail might prompt someone to make false assumptions. But I think most people did understand it for what it was - an adventure too fun not to blurt about! And I thought by posting as we went through the process, anyone reading could sort of participate in our little adventure right along with us. To my MIL, my SIL and BIL and to us, this has never been such a serious issue. Two weeks ago, we weren't even aware of this property. We lived without it before, so we wouldn't' miss a thing by not having it now if it doesn't work out. Our focus is entirely on the fun we are having together because of it. We are thankful to God for giving us this unique reason to spend more time together.

Now, back to the really important stuff.....if you can, please go bless Heather! Make a donation

Treasure Hunters - Family Edition

It's hard to know where to start on this particular post. Do I begin by describing my incredible mother-in-law, who has the strength and grace to endure the death of her husband, both parents, and her oldest son with a press-on, can-do attitude while working full time, caring for two dependent sons and still being the prototypical game-playing, cookie-baking Grandma? (Did I already mention the woman is INCREDIBLE?) Or should I start with my playful, only recent, just-daydreaming-because-it's-fun sudden desire to own a lake house where we can take our children and their friends on the weekends to avoid the eventual pitfalls of heightened weekend temptations?

Maybe I'll start with Easter Sunday. It was SO RELAXING and fulfilling to go to Grandma's (my MIL) house for our traditional holiday gathering of my husband's family. This includes my husband's mother, his two unmarried brothers, his married sister and brother-in-law and their four children (three grown and a girl my daughter's age), my MIL's sister and her husband and the five of us. Plus the girlfriend, boyfriend and fiance of my nieces and nephew. Confused yet? Anyway, we love our time of getting together for holidays at Grandma's house because there are no expectations but hugs. We eat, the ladies gab or play games, the men watch sports and fall asleep on the couch, the kids play billiards and jump on the trampoline, and then we eat again. It's heavenly.

And though we all live in various directions on the outskirts of a large metropolitan area, we just don't get to see each other all at once like this very often. So we exchange more detailed accounts of life since we last saw each other and make plans for more fellowship between certain ones of us. You know, typical family stuff. Until I mentioned my lofty little wish. Someone had asked about our new neighborhood and school and how we were enjoying all the changes lately in our lives and somehow we got around to discussing the dwindling possibilities for friends for our children who actually, um, behave and encourage rather than tempt and put down. And how we absolutely cherish the good friends that they do have and wouldn't it be nice if you could just isolate them on a island for the weekend and set them free with kites and sloppy sandwiches and boogy boards and let them be kids?! And the whole thing was really just so tongue-in-cheek and light hearted and "Aw shucks.....don't you wish they could just experience 'the good ole' days?"

UNTIL.

My sweet MIL forms an invisible light bulb over her head and runs off into her office. She returns a couple of minutes later with a yellowed piece of neatly folded paper and a look of deep thought on her face. "You know. I had forgotten ALL about it, but when you guys were very, VERY little, your father purchased a piece of land on Lake U. and I know I we have the deed in there somewhere, but here is a map of where it's located. Do you think it's anywhere near the water?" She hands the paper to my husband and I and we study it with my BIL and SIL looking on behind us. We decide to go the computer and use GOOGLE Earth to try to match the lay of the land to the lot lines. Instantly, we find a matching street name. This was not expected at all since the lots located on the map were apparently the first construction in that area and ours was purchased before my husband's birth and all.

Now, let me just explain a bit here that I've been toying with this whole idea recently purely for my personal entertainment, never expecting to actually really pursue it. And I never ask for material things in prayer. There is no intention to sound pious here; I just don't need to ask for material things because God has been SO GOOD to us and I have so many more pressing matters that I fall asleep practically begging for those before I've ever had a chance to get around to thinking about that stuff. But the other night, I did feel sort of supernaturally led to just share with God my silly little wish for a private place for my family to escape whenever we wanted to enjoy ourselves without the world's influence. I never specified that I hoped we could own it. I just casually let God know it would be such a blessing to have a place to occasionally recharge from the almost daily exposure to innappropriate examples and naughty billboards.

So we match up the general location of the two lots my FIL bought 40 years ago for an astounding $250! And it's AT THE POINT OF THE ONLY ISLAND IN ONE OF THE BIGGEST LAKES IN OUR STATE ONLY 2 HOURS AWAY!!! Can you here my screaming? AHHHHH! And my amazing, sweet, intelligent, completely crazy MIL had "just forgotten all about it!" (Let me interject here that this officially constitutes a pattern. On another occasion, she was reminded her husband had purchased 10 acres in a mid-size town that turned out to have a gas station on it in a prime location. This cracks me up! I was blessed in every way for the MIL I get to have, but has she lost her fun-loving mind?! And I have always heard stories of how my FIL like to "dabble" in entrepreneurial efforts, but it seems he did all right with it after all!)

The funny thing is, I have had no problem keeping my anticipation in check. We are all planning to make a trip out there to scout out the EXACT location (we could only narrow it down to 2 rural neighborhoods) together in a couple of weeks. We also found out my FIL's brother also owns half the property, so we will invite him to go with us and hear his rightful input as well. It may turn out to be a terrible location. Forty years later, who knows what has become of the development? But just the fact that we have been given this fun little extended family adventure is thrilling! I really haven't had to force myself not to care how it actually turns out. I just love the opportunity to hunt down this fun mystery together. And if we find out we own some lake front property that's actually usable, then you can bet I'll be singing Hallelujah even underwater. At least on the weekends - when I'm not otherwise helping my husband to ransack his mother's office!

Real Faith

Honestly, today I am struggling. Struggling with a problem that I have faced for many many years and that if I could just have a good scream and get it over with, I would probably feel better. But I can not. To do what is right, though I don't always feel like it, I must preserve the dignity of guilty parties. I have my own attitude to keep in check also, of course, but right now I'm having a moment of fatigue at feeling like it is ALWAYS my turn to "do the right thing" in the situation. Of course, that's not true. I do not do the right thing when I tell God that I've had enough already. Apparently, He doesn't think so yet. And He does know best. THAT I still do know. I don't always necessarily FEEL it, but I do know it. That to me is what faith really is. A belief He is worthy of my trust EVEN when I can not find Him. He has not lost me. It just seems like it momentarily. I do still continue to count my blessings. Not because I am in any way morally superior. Just because He in His mercy has taught me to. It ALL comes back to Him. That I know. I have come to believe (but not yet fully accept) that this may be the thorn in my side that Paul speaks of that God chooses never to take away. I don't know why. It SEEMS like I have learned all I am supposed to from it. But maybe not. Maybe it is to produce in me TRUE long suffering. The kind that presses on despite the lack of any promise. That is how I know I believe in Him. Not because I always FEEL His presence; I don't always. Not merely because it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. Not because of trying to build any sort of false testimony. Just because it's what He wants, for me to withhold my frustration and give it to Him. It's natural to want to try to please the one you love. And I DO love Him. The actions I am dealing with are not His. He is not to blame. He is sometimes my ONLY source of comfort when I can not otherwise share my struggles. Maybe right now, I can not see Him, because He is busy formulating an answer for me finally. I don't know. And at least by now I have learned that I don't have to know. I just want to continue to know HIM. Jesus said He came not to minister to the well, but to the sick. (They that be whole need not a Physician. Mark 9:12) Therefore, anyone claiming to know Him, but to have it all together spiritually has missed the point entirely. And it is precisely when I am at my weakest, that His glory is manifested best. I am completely unimpressed with the whole "buck up, push through, be brave and save yourself" mentality. Right verbiage and eloquent words won't help my situation. HE will. In HIS time. And for today, He HAS MADE ME SURE of this - no body else's judgement will separate me from Him, EVEN when I am unable to say "there He is." (The judgement from assumptions that I can't correct, because I must protect the very ones whose sins limits my choices.) That's the real faith that He gave me. It's far from perfect, but it's most definitely from Him. "I KNOW whom I have believed and am persuaded that HE is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day." No one else has to believe me. I only need to believe Him.

Apparently Acne Lowers Your Chances Of Serious Injury

The kids came home tonight from the first service of our Missions Conference all talking at once. They were SO EXCITED to meet the assigned missionaries each of their classes has been praying for all year and share what they had learned from them. Some of the children and teachers had dressed up like peoples native to the missionaries' countries. I loved hearing the concern and compassion in their voices from some of the harsh stories they had heard. My older son was particularly interested in their very different religious beliefs. "Miss A. dressed up like one of those people that wears a veil and a dot on their head. The people (who do that) think that the dot is an eye that can see evil and danger and protect them from it." Not intending to be sarcastic at all, my daughter answered with genuine excitement "Mom, that means you would be REALLY safe in their country. You have LOTS of eyes to watch out for you."

After the reality wears off, then I'll formulate my witty comeback.

Like A Kick To The Stomach

Though you wouldn't know it from reading her blog. Maybe she's in shock. Or maybe her faith in our Savior really is that secure and automatic and could serve as my example to strengthen my own. Heather is a talented web designer to many of the more beautiful blogs out here in these circles of believers that so often cross each others' paths. She is also a strong committed mom to three children including Emma Grace, the sweet girl with a myriad of health issues such as a heart transplant and autism, whose prayer button graces the side bar of many a blog I read. (And will be found on mine when I EVER get back access to e-mail to retrieve the code.)

Today Heather posted that she has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. She goes in at 8:30 am Thursday to find out if it is cancerous. I would be faulty in trying to explain any more of it. It seemed complicated and scary and I don't want to relay incorrect details so I'll just refer you to her site if you want to read more about their situation. I truly can not imagine the stress this family must be under. Her first prayer request is to pray for her that she will not become bitter. She is a wise woman.

He Knows

God knows when you're at that limit when you absolutely just can not take any more. I used to think He must not REALLY know because He used to push me WAY BEYOND my limits. Or at least that's what I thought. Really I was capable of so much more than I thought I was - through Him, of course - and it was that "through Him" part He was developing in me. But today was kind of rough, again, and He knew that. So tonight He made very, very sweet. To anyone else, it may sound entirely boring, but God knows me. He gave me what I needed. A misty rain falling while sitting at Sonic with my kiddos, who were getting along nicely. (Hubby was stuck after hours at a job that got rained on.) The window rolled down. Nostalgic road music playing on the loud speakers. Details about my children's day, spoken in turn one at a time. A delicious coney dog and raspberry slushy. A leisurely hour to spend before the next "to do." A polite and friendly waitress. A crisp breeze. A warm sweater hoodie and my favorite pair of jeans. And on the way home, a smoky gray sky and a Nora Jones CD with quiet kid chatter in the background. For me, it was a small slice of Heaven.

More Cute Quips

What would this world be without children? They save your sanity on weeks like this one where getting out of bed seems like a dangerous risk to take. How I love all their sweet funniness!

As I tried for fifteen minutes to arouse the children from sleep this morning and they remained in their state of comfortable comatose, Faith finally offered a pucker of the lips as a sign of life. Perhaps it was her way of tricking me into thinking she was making a real effort at bona fide movement. "I'm a fish" she moaned. "Well" I said, "why don't you be a Fashion Fish and go put your new clothes on? I laid out your new pink sparkle shirt and pink rain boots." Within 4 1/2 seconds she was up and on her way to get dressed. All it took were the words "new", "clothes", "pink", and "sparkle" for her to snap to!

Later as we ate breakfast, Faith declared with rather ceremonious giggles "Hee hee hee, I ripped a toot!" (Which we allow talk of only within the confines of our own twisted home.) "Ew, Faith!" I teased. "We're about to eat." "Well, girls DO toot TOO, you know." "Yes." I said. "But it's strictly a boy thing to actually be proud of it." Then Dalton spoke up. "I don't know, Mom, did you hear it? It was definitely one to be proud of!"

I am so glad they support each other.

Driving down the highway to run errands, my son spotted a mini semi truck sporting colorful photographs of pizzas enlarged to six feet tall on the sides of it. "Oh, cool, Mom look!" Is that truck carrying a bunch of pizzas?!" "I bet it is!" I said excitedly for him. "Oh, Mom, I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! How cool is that?! Getting to drive the pizza truck!" High standards, this guy. Just see what he aspired to in yesterday's post. We've got to sit him down and have a talk. Well, O.K., not yet. He's still good for a few more years of cheap entertainment. : )

The Deep Philosophical Thoughts of a Five-Year-Old

Today as we were browsing the store for necessities, my little guy was rambling incessantly about all of the really important typical guy topics. On and on and on he talked about poop, toilet paper, sports and toys with nary a breath to be taken. As we were finishing our checkout process and leaving the store, he spotted a large colorful poster of the green M&M mascot standing next to a gigantic ice cream sandwich. Without so much as a comma in his stream of thought he relayed all his profound realizations on the matter.

"Hey I bet when M&M gets hungry he really doesn't even have dessert because he can just eat his self right Momma in fact I bet that's why dogs lick themselves probably because to them selves they taste good huh maybe if I get really really hungry enough and I lick myself I would taste good too...."

And then my concentration on his verbiage just waned. I got stuck on the humor of his wanting to try licking himself like a dog in order to enjoy a good snack. I really must learn to cook a little better.

AN EASTER THANK YOU - HOW GREAT THOU ART!

Anybody who has known me for any length of time knows that I have this big hang up about the too frequent elimination of the most important third verse of my favorite hymn! THE THIRD VERSE OF THE WONDERFUL SONG "HOW GREAT THOU ART" IS THE MOST SUCCINCT RECOUNTING OF THE EASTER STORY I KNOW IN SONG!!! And just because it's so sweet, I'm adding verse 4 as well. I dedicate these words to my Savior Jesus Christ, for a day in which to commemorate the most selfless gift in the spans of human history. Thank you Lord, for loving me like nobody else can.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

April

I awoke this morning to my husband's arms wrapped around me and the feel of his warm breath in my hair. This is not something I ever take for granted.....especially lately. We have not gotten along very well at all. But he was trying, even though I am the one who forgot.

"You know what today is, don't you?" I am sure I would have thought of it eventually, but this is the first time I haven't thought of April 7 approaching for a few days beforehand. I'm not sure why.

Twelve years ago today, our lives changed. Two weeks before we were expecting the most drastic alter in our life's direction - marriage - IT happened first.

April 7, 1995, Greg's dad passed away from a stomach aneurysm while pouring concrete for a new residential neighborhood on the far north side of our metro. He had been given a clean bill of health from a complete physical just four months before. It was sudden and it was shocking.

And it was part of life. We understood that. What has made it still so difficult after all these many years, besides the obvious loss suffered (and their was much; this was a DEARLY loved man) has been the events of Aprils since. We are not superstitious and we do not claim there is any magic in this certain time frame. It has just become our experience that God seems to administer some sort of spiritual SAT to us all at various times in order to test our faith, and very often our time slot for the "Super section" of the test seems to fall in this month.

Not all of these tests are so negative. Take 1996, for example. The occasion was a happy one. I was pregnant with our first child and we were very happy about our impending arrival. But we also were very broke, trying to make it financially not only as newlyweds, but also helping Greg's mother and her two dependent sons, who were left widowed and orphaned by the previous year's events. Plus he was working so much to make ends meet, we pretty much NEVER saw each other.

In April 1997, we were stressed out brand new parents of a four-month-old when our pastor died. Our pastor who led me to Christ. No, LOVED me to Christ. Unconditionally. My Grandpa after mine had died.

Other years brought other deaths - an old childhood friend of my husband was murdered. One of his employees was electrocuted. That big teddy bear of a guy had a young wife and two year old baby when he passed. Once in April, one of my husband's employees was falsely suspected of a heinous abduction and murder of a young girl in Texas, a national news story, because the description of the truck so closely matched that of my husband's, which the employee had borrowed that weekend. It all got sorted out eventually, but it wreaked havoc on business and reputation for a few long days.

Anyway, I hadn't thought much about April approaching this year, except to eagerly anticipate Easter and our Anniversary. Until my husband's comment this morning. And I thought back over the last week. It was horrible. I didn't decide this upon my revelation that it was April. I've been very aware of how my week has gone since it began last Sunday.

Our identity was breached again. I only discovered this, of course, AFTER having spent three hours at the grocery store and then being unable to pay. And going out to lunch with a bunch of other moms I was just meeting for the first time on a school field trip and having to have them buy my lunch. Embarrassing. I spent the past 8 days with no access to cash at all. Nothing but a single credit card we use only for emergencies. We decided no food to eat probably constituted an emergency, so now we have racked up a bunch of finance charges just as we head into tax time. (And tax time for a business is way more hairy than tax time for personal income!)

Oh, and I wrecked my car. It is fine. Everyone in the wreck was fine. But it is a sickening feeling knowing that my brakes failed after discovering only a few months ago that the brake pads had worn off COMPLETELY after only 24,000 miles. We suspect that must be the case again - at only 33,000.

And then there are interpersonal problems. These hurt me the worst.

And the house, which I should be used to after three years. But living out of boxes for three years somehow doesn't get any easier with time.

And my niece is having her worst bout of illness since coming home from the transplant center last month.

I could go on and on. But I'm not going to. This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. And if it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself as much as you, that's O.K. I am. And that's better than being stuck where I don't turn to Him and His promises.

He made April 7, 2007 just like He made April 7, 1995. He made them both to teach us to trust Him. Just like He made April 22, 1995 to give me a partner to face it all with. And April 19, 1995 three days before to teach us we are not alone in our trials - through the Oklahoma City bombing 15 miles away from where we wed. And five dates on the calendar set aside specifically to celebrate the important existence of a particular member of our family in this world.

Tomorrow is such an important day to celebrate as well. But it isn't here yet. And really, we do not have a promise that it will be. So just in case it never comes, THIS DAY, I will rejoice!!! Today, this day is most important.

Hope Snows Eternal

Easter is in two days, the children are out of school for Good Friday, and I am all excited about preparing the suits my husband and boys will be wearing. Without even trying, we found them matching violet shirts to wear - sizes 5T, 10/12, and a 20 neck (no, not kidding; we have a great tailor.) Very spring-like.

I am spending this morning catching up on blogs, relaxing after sleeping in, before I run errands for an impromptu, outdoor, cookout-baby shower we're hosting tomorrow for a new neighbor who is due in 10 days, but knows nobody and needs to be fussed over (my opinion - not hers).

And my daughter just announced to me "It's snowing outside."

"April Fools Day is over" I told her. The kids have found great delight in dragging out that silly custom since last Sunday. Anything for the fun privilege of completely annoying one another.

But I looked. And it's true. The flakes weren't exactly big enough for the camera to catch (we tried), but it is in fact snowing here in the Midwest this Easter weekend.

And it's still beautiful. Like one last chance to see that particular miracle that we thought had passed for this year.

And so it reminds me of Easter after all. One last chance. Thank you God for those every single day of my life. And particularly right now, help me extend those repeated last chances to others. To follow your lead. To do what is right, and not what's fair. Like You did for me. Like You DO for me. Over and over and over. Thank You God for Easter and for snow and THE CROSS. Amen.

P.S. For those of you who sometimes follow the story of my niece Ashley, 20 months old and battling cancer while recuperating from a triple organ transplant in September, she is in need of urgent prayer at this time. There is the possibility of rejection, though we're praying God has other plans not revealed to us yet. You can encourage my brother's family at www.AshleysStory.org Thank you.

I Know The Plans That I Have For You

Something amazing and wonderful happened yesterday in Blogworld that was just too exciting not to share. New friends were made through this incredible set of events and God was glorified through it all. It's long and detailed but worth the read if you like to hear of yet another of God's moment to moment miracles in people's lives. How thankful I was to be a small part of this one.

Years ago, I read in a magazine somewhere that Lisa Welchel, a kid actor on Facts of Life, had quit show business to become a wife and homeschooling mother of three. At the time, I was heavily exploring homeschooling and went to her website to find out more. She kept an online journal of her family's slice-of-life activities, similar to a blog, but without the ability to comment back. Her honest portrayals of daily life kept me coming back to read weekly for years.

Then last summer, Lisa's life got crazy. She was still homeschooling, but also had added book writing and inspirational speaking to her long list of things to do. On a particular week she was too busy to be able to write her journal, she directed her readers to a guest writer, Sarah, at In The Midst Of It. Sarah's site was funny and poignant and reminded me A LOT of my own life. And it introduced me to the world of blogging I had only vaguely heard about before. Through Sarah's blog, I found my way to several other blogs, including my sweet dear friend Calissa at Renovating This Heart. Calissa and I hit it off instantly through small discussions held in her "comments" section. I was enjoying our exchanges so much, I was inspired to start my own blog. About the same time, my brother started a blog to keep family informed of the progress of my sweet little niece, Ashley, who was then waiting for a triple organ transplant in order to live.

Through Ashley's blog, I met Krista at New Beginnings. Krista was following Ashley's progress as a former patient of my chiropractor brother. She is a fairly new Christian and I just love being reminded of the excitement I should keep from those first years of knowing Him. I can't wait to meet her IRL when I visit my parents and brother and Ashley hopefully sometime pretty soon.

O.K. Now here's where it gets really cool. Through the past few months of blogging, I have "met" certain bloggers who "know" other certain bloggers that I "know", because we are, of course, visiting the same sites. So it was rather exciting a few weeks ago when Five Minutes For Mom hosted a "Blog Party" for bloggers to get to know new sites outside of the little circles they had already naturally formed. Anyone who wanted could sign up under a list on their site and likewise cruise the list for anyone whose blog name sounded particularly interesting to go pay them a visit. Some souls were even diligent enough to visit all nine hundred something sites and leave a short comment on each one. Me, not so much. I chose about 10 new ones to try and ended up keeping maybe two or three to visit regularly - namely Big Blueberry Eyes, An Ordinary Mom and Crazy Bloggin Canuck. You've got to visit these for tender observations, wisdom and laughter consecutively.

O.K. So, somewhere in all of this blog hopping around, I saw a comment under one of the blogs I decided I would NOT have time to visit again and again. The comment was astute in it's observation and the blog had a beautiful name, Blessed Assurances. And this is how her writing feels. Peaceful, inspiring and real. So we have been reading each other's little daily recountings from time to time and I don't even know her real name or age, but she's great.

Meanwhile, I went over to visit Krista's blog recently and she asked for prayer for a sweet little set of baby twins born extremely prematurely and fighting for life in the Pediatric ICU. This, of course, touched my heart with the knowledge of all my own sweet niece has been through. So I began to pray for these tiny fragile babies. Sadly, the little girl, Jayde, went to be with Jesus last week. Kanyon, her brother, is steadily improving but still much in need of continued prayer. And after not hearing an update for a while, I asked Krista about Kanyon in her comments section. She answered my question by leaving a comment back. Then I got the neatest comment of my own.

Blessed Assurances commented on my blog to ask, "Who is Krista? How do you know her?
The twins you are talking about are my cousin's children!" Wow!!! Krista, Blessed Assurances, and I - none of us knows each other except through blogging. But it turns out Krista's aunt is a secretary at the school where the twins' mother teaches. Blessed Assurances is the twins' mother's cousin and my brother was at one time Krista's chiropractor! I just LOVE how God revealed all this in His perfect time! Why is any of this a big deal you ask? For exactly the reason Blessed Assurances said.

"I can't believe how God is bringing all these people together to pray for my family."

(Go read how just TODAY, Mommy got to hold Kanyon for the first time!!!)

My family has said the same thing about all the people who have had their (extremely important) part in praying for my brother's baby Ashley! And if you have come by here today and you love to pray for the "little children" Jesus commanded to let come unto Him, please take time to join the prayer chain for all of these amazing children, plus the nephew of one of my most encouraging commenters Toni (whose blog is sweet and insightful and wise and sunny, by the way.) Connor is three and bravely battling Leukemia. He doesn't have a public website, but he does have a hopeful family and a need of prayer.

God is SO WONDERFULLY AMAZING!!!

"And a little child shall lead them." Isaiah 11:6b

These are the babies God has provided a blog family to pray for:

Ashley

Kanyon

Addie (Sarah, the first blog I ever read)

Ivey (Sarah's long time IRL friend)

Connor

Ethan (introduced to me today through all this, but I'm praying for him now)

If you feel so led, please visit my sidebar for other sweet children also in need of prayer. I was just struck by how God has brought together these particular children through such an incredible set of "coincidences," or as I like to refer to them, His plans He is just now letting us know about!

And if you want to be reminded to be thankful for your awesome children today, watch this, about a marvelous little boy named Eliot who now resides in the bosom of Jesus, told by his dad whose love and wisdom absolutely astounds me.

P.S. Please forgive me for the links that do not work. Blogger seems to only be accepting links that are found on Blogspot. If a link you would like to visit does not work, you can find most of them in my sidebar. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Sweet Public Sundays

After much mental game-playing to try to delay such realizations, I have finally conceded that my life is entering a drastically different phase from the previous few years. And I am finally beginning to even embrace it. I am finally giving in to the idea that my home will never again be filled with a multitude of half-filled sippy cups. I will no longer hear the sounds of sing-songy cartoon themes like Dora The Explorer or Blues Clues blasting from a TV that no one is even watching. Now my kids would rather watch pre-teen sitcoms that require far more vigilance in screening beforehand. The toys that filled the living room floor and burdened a clean path to the kitchen are gone. The children are starting to prefer role play in their rooms instead. They like to open the window and pretend it's a fast food drive-through. And more and more, they are preferring to play these games with friends, peers their own ages, rather than just with Mom and Dad.

Dalton, especially, is getting to that age where a kiss on the cheek is a little too uncomfortable for the school drop-off line. Instead, he'll just lean his head down for me to ruffle his hair and tell him I love him in his ear, though it looks like I could just be reminding him there is lunch money in the small pocket of his backpack. The funny thing is, I thought when he ever got that way, I might be offended. But I'm not. Because he doesn't come across at all as if he is embarrassed of us now that he is growing up. It's more like HE needs to start believing that he is going to have what it takes to be on his own one day, because instinctively he is beginning to realize that will eventually be the case. And I instinctively want to encourage him that he will one day do well as his own man, even as I secretly pray that day would be a very long time in coming.

Thankfully, every night lately I have been noticing that as I sit on the sofa to help my daughter with her homework, Dalton comes to sit beside me and leans his head against my shoulder as he and I listen to her read. He's very subtle. Sometimes it even takes me a couple of minutes to realize he is there. I am so engulfed in helping her to sound out the more difficult words. Occasionally, he'll even slip his arm around my neck as he sits with me.

But on Sundays, this ritual makes it's only public appearance. After years of participation in Children's Church, this is Dalton's first year to come into regular services. No more brightly colored pictures of the most popular Bible stories. No more macaroni glued to form scenes on the back of a paper plate. My son is now expected to sit with the adults and hear the preaching of God's Holy Word. Sometimes the subject matter still seems a tad too tender for his innocent ears. I know it's inevitable he'll hear about topics such as war and church strife and sex SOMEWHERE, if not in church, but still........I'm longing for the days when learning to tie his shoes was his biggest worry in life.

So this morning, as the past few Sunday mornings, I couldn't help but smile with sweet satisfaction as Dalton leaned his head against my shoulder right there on the pew for all to see. He even grabbed my hand and held it in my lap as he listened to the pastor preach about end times and trusting God in times of persecution. He could have chosen to sit with his friends, but instead he leaned on me and made comments or asked questions only at purely appropriate moments. He's getting so grown up that way. And I just thanked God for His marvelous grace. That He saw fit to make it so that they leave us very slowly. And that when they do, they are far more prepared than they probably recognize. Hopefully, far more prepared than I feel like I will be. But for now, I just love that head breathing softly on my shoulder as I soak in God's reminders to us both. That though we don't see Him, He will always be with us. One day, when my son leaves my home and goes wherever it is that God's plan is leading him, my strongest hope is that he will remember that. And know that he has a mom back at "home" who feels the same way!