Thank You

Thank you very sincerely for all of your kind words of encouragement, especially to those who simply offered prayer and the belief that there is more to this situation than I am able to explain. I was feeling very hopeless last night when my husband said there isn't a problem so there is nothing to work on. Pain I can deal with but the indifference darn near killed me. I should have turned again to Jesus alone, but in my frustration and my fatigue, I allowed myself to seek a human ear instead. It was the first time I've allowed myself to be mad at God so I didn't go to him. With a little rest and time to reflect (and scores of "coincidental" programs God has allowed me hear today as I work), I can realize that DH probably only said what he did out of the same frustration and fatigue. Thank you for the book suggestions. I have read so many of these kinds of books (especially Scripture!!!) but I am willing to try again with the ones you have mentioned. I just wanted to clarify that I did not mean I do not want to submit to my husband. Just that his suggestion was (in anger, of course) to get over wanting to be together and that there is no way to submit to that when you've committed to love and cherish someone. The two things are at odds. Thank you God for rest, even if it's just a little. And thank you for friends, even if you don't really "know" them.

Hoping

I have prayed about whether to write this post, and to be honest, I am still not sure if I should. I may take it down later. But the truth is, my heart is hurt tonight in a way that cries out for more Godly prayers than I am mustering on my own.

I have shared before that my husband and I got off to a very rocky and tragic start in our marriage and that some of the repercussions of that time was that we spent little to no time bonding in our first few years of marriage. What I haven't shared is how this became a habit for us. At first, it was a trial about which we had no choice. And I haven't lied when I've said this has been the best year of our marriage so far. But I said that on the days when we had spent ample time together. On other days, the devil has fought like crazy to nullify the better times into merely sporadic jackpot days.

I have hesitated to share because I do not want to appear to be hurting my husband's dignity at all. But the truth is, I know this blogging community is a praying community and if you would be willing to pray for us, I would be willing to put aside my pride to ask. If you can not commit to pray, I would in no way take that negatively. I understand the demands on people's time and commitments as I don't always pray for all blogs that I read either.

I just don't know what else to do right now. I can not go to my pastor and I can not explain why. This is why this has been the most frustrating trial of my life. We need prayer but I can not go into details under Biblical guidelines. I know that's why "unspoken prayer" is such a popular phrase, but most people seem to give little heed to it, when those are probably the more serious prayer requests.

I still believe that there is hope. Even after 12 years. I know God has been on the throne every moment of those 12 years and every year before and from now on. I don't doubt that for a second. I'm just too tired and hurt tonight to even know what to say to Him. This is the first time I can ever remember feeling that way. Honestly, I find myself reminding him that Jacob only waited 14 years for his marriage prayer to be answered and that we're coming up on that pretty quick! :) I also know that we all have our crosses to bear. It's just that this one is so out of God's will and makes all the others that much more difficult to face alone while married. I am trying my very best to submit, but if I understood how to submit to spending no time together and still having a strong marriage, I would do it. In fact, I have tried for years. It isn't Biblical. It doesn't work. Thank you to my few readers. Even though we have never met face to face, you have shown yourselves to be true friends in your wisdom and in your encouragement.

Sharing The Moments

For the past week, I have been as sick as my son was - and on vacation. I never thought I would type those phrases together.

So many things have gone "wrong" the past few days, most of them too tedious or personal to share. But when it rains it sometimes pours, only this time figuratively. The nice thing is that Jesus has spent the past few years teaching me to ACTIVELY SEARCH for the blessings He's building during these times. They are ALWAYS there.

Just as my son was beginning to feel a bit better from an illness that kicked his dwindling rump, I came down with same said illness. (And hoped for same dwindling rump. :) ) I spent two days here at home MAD, quite frankly, that my hubby can not ever get off of work to help me when I am so sick. The kids are getting old enough finally to keep themselves alive, but they for some reason still forget to feed themselves during these times and the mere sight of food caused very un-pretty-like reactions in me, so every time I got up (relunctantly, at the last possible second, and puking) to go to the bathroom, I had to remind them that nuts and microwave dinners may not make square meals, but it would at least fill their bellies.

On my second night sick, my husband came home with the news that while he couldn't still manage the vacation we had to cancel after 3 weeks off work due to rain, he would find a way for us to at least have 3 days somewhere closer to spend some time relaxing before school starts back soon. And he would be willing to take the kids alone if I still didn't feel well enough. I decided if he had enough faith to plan a vacation under our circumstances, then I would ask for the faith to go and be with my family. I felt a little drowsy and dizzy the first two days, but not lousy by any means and it sure beat being home alone in bed! I LOVE SPENDING DOWN TIME WITH MY FAMILY! And though the vacation was nothing spectacular in terms of our activities, we built memories I will cherish forever. Even the bad hotel and rude people because they have provided us with laugh upon laugh to look back upon. We NEEDED that vacation and I praise God for providing it. It was better medicine for me than any bed or prescription would have provided. And He knew that.

We had a fabulous time in St. Louis, standing under buckets of rain that postponed a Cardinal game, going to a delightful museum recommended by a blogging friend, swimming together until midnight at a bad hotel with hysterical people, and nearly getting thrown off a ride at Six Flags! We made memories I will cherish forever. See, it's not the details of the trip that make it so memorable, but the sweet people I spent it with. Thank You God for my family and time spent together before our schedules get hectic once again. Thank you for shared experiences and being a team. Thank you for making us well once again.

Friendship Not Romance

I guess the older kids have been teasing him a bit too much lately.

Our youngest has been a bit girl crazy really since birth I guess. When he was three years old, we were coming out of a restaurant when he saw two pretty teenagers. He turned his head back as we passed them and innocently declared "whoa!" My hubby and I were in shock! He most certainly did not learn this reaction in our home! And at that point, he hadn't been anywhere else without us. When we asked him why he thought the girls were pretty, he said that they had pretty hair and eyes. Um, O.K., so we realized right there he is going to melt a few hearts one day.

Yesterday Justice took a day trip to Dallas with his Daddy and a friend with a three year girl. After they arrived home, I asked him, without implications of anything romantic, "did you have fun with K.?" His answer was quite defensive. "Well, I don't want to tell you because then they'll (his brother and sister) tease me."

I took that as a yes and as an opportunity to have a talk with the older two about cooling it already.

Being Reflective

For some reason today, each moment has seemed like some monumental theme of importance changing and growing me. I guess if I weren't in such an analytical mood, today's activities would be, well....nothing. But I am.

It's a trait I've had a love-hate relationship with since I was old enough for other people to care. Even as a little girl, I would sit on the curb in front of our ranch-style house and just THINK. Why does each neighbor in our cul-de-sac have such a different life-style? Some fast paced and stressed, some slow and happy, some indifferent, some fast and happy......you get the picture. How did each one come to have the job they have? Why do some have kids and some don't and others do, but seem to wish they didn't? Why do some kids' parents both work, even though they live in the same neighborhood as us but my mom stays home with me? What do they spend their money on? Who is right and who is wrong or is it just O.K to make different life decisions? Why is the sky blue?

And I was O.K with these questions. Even without any answers, I always enjoyed the pondering. But eventually I reached a certain age where it became utterly annoying to those around me. Some were frustrated at not having the answers they thought I was seeking. They didn't get that I could hang out in the hypothetical and be O.K with it. Others just got overwhelmed with my incessant talking! I don't blame them; I get it now.

For a long time, I even analyzed whether to view my trait as a subtle sin I didn't know I was committing. But only because others convinced me of this. "You don't question God, you just follow." I have come to believe otherwise. For it is precisely in my questioning that He answers. Not always in entirety and certainly never in my own timing. But I know my own heart. I am not questioning His goodness. It's just that I'm not content to do things the way I think I am supposed to do it. I like to KNOW that what I am doing is right. His ways are higher than my ways. Therefore the obvious may not always be answer. I am commanded to SEEK OUT His will and His ways. His Scriptures admonish to "search me and try me." So, like I did for stories as a news reporter, I set to asking the questions and sorting the facts. Then I like to dig a little deeper than the Word. I like to pray how to relate Scripture to my own particular circumstances.

All that to say, today I was filled to the brim with peace at just the questions. How did six little misses go so fast from babies in bassinets to a gaggle of girls riding their bikes through the streets singing songs about boys from one Aunt's house to mine? Why does my daughter absolutely LOVE cooking a full blown meal when I really really don't? How did our former Sunday School students become some of our very best friends? How do I love their babies almost as much mine? Why does the sunshine look so much happier after three straight weeks of rain? How do I thank God enough for helping my son to improve so much in one day after so many days off utter misery? Why do I get to live a country where I am free to spend a Saturday the way I deem most fitting? Why don't so many others? When will I ever get to spend as much time with my husband as so many of my friends do with theirs? Will I REALLY know him when I do? When will I EVER get to finally leave the house after so many days with my son sick? Am I discontented, or merely in a bigger fight with the flesh because I am trying not to compromise where others do? What's the purpose in the lessons we are learning? (My boys are having such a rough summer while my daughter's has seemed magical, a total flip-flop from last year.) If God isn't ordaining home-school this year, will He keep their spirits safe? Will they learn from their spiritual failures? How do I avoid the appearance of evil and simultaneously not judge others? Is loneliness sometimes a necessary consequence of doing the right thing, or am I just being too shy to attract the company of those more spiritually fit than myself? Why does praying for lost loved ones have to be so hard? Why does it have to take YEARS to have that prayer answered? Will it be answered the way I want it to? Why does God answer such silly prayers as keeping the swimming pool water supernaturally clean until our new pump arrived? Why do moms have to work themselves out of a job just when they are finally getting good at it? (Not me, yet, but I'm already not looking forward to it.) Will my kids REALLY come to me with everything, if I try my best to raise them that way? How did they all get so extraordinarily handsome and beautiful? Why do their freckles melt my heart the way that they do? How can I sometimes be so frustrated and other times so enraptured with the very same people? Why does summer always seem so short, no matter how you spend it? Why can't chocolate be more healthy? When will I ever get time to adequately reflect to write some more important post updates with feeling?

Why can I sometimes just NOT SHUT OFF THIS BRAIN OF MINE?

How did I get so blessed?
Why does GRACE seem so simple an answer?

A Hurried Update

Quick update before my hubby takes the computer with him to Texas for the day. He is going to a ball game with church buddies on a guy's day out. This is an activity Dalton has been looking forward to since they planned it early June. I had such high hopes for him to get well in time (as did he, for sure). He is being so good about it, even as he has to watch his little brother and Dad get ready to go. He's definitely learning one of the hard lessons.

I am so encouraged, though, that yesterday Dalton was able to retain some fluids. Probably not as much as he altogether needs, but I praise God for the answered prayers that he is on the upswing and avoided the ER so far! He even ate four strawberries, which was great. He has lost about 10 percent of his body weight, and he is very thin framed to begin with. His fever is still trying to shoot up, but it seems to be a lower high each time it does. (Does any of this make sense? I'm answering my little one's questions as I type, the TV is on and I've been up too many nights in a row.)

After about four laxatives, he was finally able to dispel some *ahem* things and the stomach bug seems to be fleeing, but a nasty cold has moved into his head. He actually FEELS worse now that he is awake and aware of being sick as opposed to tired and lethargic. And as much as I have compassion on him for this, I am nevertheless glad because a stuffy nose and watery eyes are so much less dangerous than the high fever, labored breathing and dehydration, especially for him with his background.

Thank you so much for your well-wishes and prayers! They have meant the world to me and they have meant a lot to Dalton. He seemed so pleased to hear that people we've never met face to face (as well as those we have!) would take the time to ask God's help for him. "Mom" he said, "I think it's so cool how other people pray for you when you are too tired or sick to remember to pray for yourself." AMEN little man!

(O.K. Dh just told me he was kidding about taking the computer. He said he just wanted to see me scramble for it because he thinks it is funny. Obviously he has forgotten after 12 years of marriage that my sense of humor doesn't kick in until after noon. :) )

Have a great day.

He's A Quiet Trooper

My little patient has had quite a rough time of it today. I really expected drastic improvements now that we have medication and good knowledge of what he has. (That's a blessing! It's so difficult for me to hear "we don't really know what's causing it.) Dalton has some sort of super stomach bug that has his gastrointestinal system all out of whack.

Last night, after initiating his regimen, he seemed to do really well. I mean he didn't want to stay up and play Parcheesi or anything; he slept all night, but he didn't throw up anymore either. Then this morning, his fever shot up again and he was beginning to feel nauseous. I decided to give him his nausea medication first, then follow it about a 1/2 later with his fever reducer (which is currently the most dangerous of his symptoms), but he threw up the nausea pill.

I waited to let him decide when he felt he could keep his medicine down, but he fell asleep and his fever was climbing too high. I woke him up and made him try to take the nausea pill again and this time it did stay down, but caused him extremely labored breathing. One of the side effects of this pill is apparently shallow breathing "occasionally resulting in death." That's when I really decided to pray more sincerely rather than just stay busy with all of the medication.

I did finally get his round of meds in him, but this evening he has been sweaty and moaning as his stomach cramps have returned from yesterday. (This is caused from an inflamed colon trying to retain what little moisture is in there.) For that they prescribed an OTC laxative, which after two hours has yet to work.

The good news is that Dalton has fallen asleep (though is breathing is just slightly labored) and his fever is down for now. He seems to do better with this at night, though I'm not sure why. He sleeps equally both all day and all night and has not had much activity around him at all today. I only give him his nausea medication as his symptoms begin to show, because of the dangerous side effects.

I will be sleeping on our leather love seat tonight to be available to him should he need water or hopefully, a trip to the bathroom. That part I'm not really looking forward to since I was three weeks overdue on desperately needing a chiropractic adjustment even before all of this started. But it's worth it to know he is breathing O.K. and being aware if his fever shoots back up.

I'm thinking that if he doesn't improve by tomorrow, it may actually make more sense to just go ahead and hydrate him through an IV so at least we can stop the cycle of each problem leading to the next. Of course, I'll consult the physician first, but that's sort of what he already hinted at yesterday if we didn't see improvement. Hopefully, tonight we will.

Thank you to everyone who has offered to pray. I honestly sincerely believe that medication is merely a tool that God can choose to use or not to use and that ultimately it is He alone that heals and makes well. I know to some people that may sound cliche but I couldn't be more sincere in meaning it. So your offers to pray are to me honestly more effective than any routine or regimen and I really humbly appreciate it.

Have a blessed night.

A Symphony Of Snoring

I am staying up well into the night in order to clean up the mess from cooking dinner for my husband and daughter. She had been at a friend's house all day while I dealt with Dalton's illness at the emergency care. And my husband had not had time to eat between work and the ball games, so dinner ended up being at about 10:30 tonight. Besides everything else that took place today (see below), Greg had to come home and study for his teen class at church tomorrow. To say he is exhausted would be quite the understatement. So, he has gone to bed to get up and do it all again come 6am.

Dalton is knocked out by all of his medication and is snoring loudly on the couch. That says something about the rest he really needed because he is not usually a snorer. (Is that a word?) Dh (Dear husband/Designated hitter, for my family who is learning the terminology), however, is. Big Time. And I would be lying if I tried to pretend I always (or even usually) have a good sense of humor about it. Most often, my reactions lack much compassion and leave me needing to repent when I am far too tired to care about doing what is right.

Right now, however, I'm listening delightedly to Dalton and Dh trading turns taking in breath, then blowing it out with a roar. It is causing me to giggle uncontrollably at the two of them and wishing I had someone to share the humor with. They sound like a well-planned symphony of snoring! And tonight this makes me smile, for it's proof they are getting what they both need most at this moment - some well-deserved, deep sleep and rest.

A Sick Boy, A Super Dad, and A Ball Game - Lord Willing

It's a crazy crazy crazy crazy day in our household. Tonight, for the first time since the scheduled June 6 start date, our little guy is getting to play t-ball! For six looooooong rainy weeks, he has waited patiently and sometimes not so patiently to finally get to don his uniform and take the field. (He is asking me how much longer every 10-20 minutes. This can get a little annoying, but honestly I love it.) He has wanted to play ball since he was old enough to talk and now the night is finally here - a double header!

My husband will be coming home early to take him. Originally I was to take him to his first game and hubs would show up for the second after work, but Dalton (our 10-y-o) has come down with the meanest sickness he has had in at least 4 or 5 years. He is vomiting, even water, and his fever has reached a whopping 104 degrees! (This is particularly concerning to us, because as an infant he spent his very first Christmas Day in the emergency room when he fell semi-conscious due to a fever reaching 107. His body does not fight fevers very efficiently.) So I am not willing to leave the room from him until he begins to improve enough to retain liquids. The doctor is not sending us to the ER for now, but is prescribing a medication to help with the nausea in hopes of keeping him hydrated while "waiting out the bug."

In the meantime, hubby just went back to work this week after nearly 4 weeks off for bad weather (he runs a construction company) and his morning started off with two trucks stuck in the mud for two hours so far. This means the concrete is setting up INSIDE of the drum while everyone scrambles to figure out what to do. It's several thousand dollars worth of concrete sitting there, the job was already started so he can't quit midway through, but he can't eat the cost of it either. (These NO-FAULT situations are the worst, because a decision can't be made until everyone agrees on who will pay for it.) Through all of this, he is trying SO HARD to resolve it in time to actually make money today so his guys can get paid, and yet make it home in time to ensure our son's dreams of his very first big ball game are not dashed. His priorities were not always so aligned. I am both proud and IMMENSELY grateful that he is making such a hard effort on such a hot and problem-filled day!

As nutty as all of this sounds, it is a life style that we have lived for quite some time. It is stressful, and often quite aggravating, but it no longer throws us into panic mode. It's actually become the kind of routine we have become accustomed to. Not every day, thank goodness. But often enough to make us realize that EVEN this kind of a day will be O.K. in the end. Or it won't. It may stay terrible and get even worse. But even then, God will have His way. It will ultimately be what is best for us. And it will teach us something more about Him if we let it. That is the part we have to constantly remind ourselves. We are learning the best response is to just say "oh, well" and try to smile.

And, hey, at least it's not raining!

Edit to Add:

Dalton's nurse called and wanted us to get to a particular intermediate emergency facility. (Like an after hours, with more x-ray technology and where he could stay overnight if needed, but not one of our major hospitals.) She called ahead to tell them he was coming because the pediatrician did think he needed to be seen sooner rather than later.

Everything is fine. They are glad we came in tonight as opposed to tomorrow because Dalton was beginning to dehydrate. Thankfully, we should be able to treat him with nausea medication as opposed to IV since we caught things early. Hopefully, with the medication, he will be able to retain his fluids and his fever reducer more effectively. (His temp was VERY high.) He is now snoring peacefully while I prepare him a fruit smoothie. (He's had nothing to eat in 3 days and wanted something a bit more substantial than water, now that he's on the medication.)

One big blessing was that the physician who saw us was the same surgeon who sewed up our younger son's lip when he fell against a swing set three years ago. In our town of nearly 100,000, I know that God orchestrated that. He didn't remember us until I reminded him how shocked I had been to learn they use cocaine as a blood vessel constrictant in treating bloody wounds. It was nice to have someone treating Dalton who we had already had such a great experience with. He is a very compassionate doctor toward his patients and their families.

We arrived home from the doctor simultaneously to my husband pulling in from the game with Justice. He was every single tiny bit as excited as I hoped and assumed he would be! He has relayed all the details of all the individual plays to each one of us separately and to Grandma by phone. And he's already counting the days (by each twenty minute increment) until Thursday night's practice!

Changing Plans

I spent the better part of yesterday visiting some of the blogs I hadn't read in more than two weeks. Tonight I planned to visit the rest and catch back up with blog buddies. But plans changed. Tonight, my family and I made it a point to all cram together under a blanket (with the fan on full blast) on the big couch in our living room and watch old home movies. It seemed like the best way to spend our Sunday evening after this morning's events.

There is a couple who attended our church several years ago but left when they moved far out into the country. Several of us in the church have kept up with them and still see them periodically. Since they first married, they have been growing their family through birth and adoption, as well as been foster parents to several sweet, needy children. Today, they lost one of them.

Their newest addition was born only a couple of months ago, we learned today. As they went to awaken the baby for church, they found her expired. With the few details we know, we are assuming it was SIDS.

Hug your kids tight tonight. Look into their sweet eyes and smile and tell them super sincerely how much you love them. Because, sadly, the fact is, there is a possibility it will be the last time you get to. That is exactly where I am headed. Today was my reminder. I'll blog later.

Field of Dreams....But Not The Sleeping Kind

Pics to follow - I used a disposable and need to have it developed.

Have you ever waited for YEARS to finally get to do something you have been looking forward to with unrestrainable anticipation? Most of us might think of graduating college or having a baby or meeting a family member. For my fifth grade son, it wasn't something quite so weighty, but he had been looking forward to last night since he first joined Cub Scouts in kindergarten! Our city's Triple A baseball team hosts the Cubscouts one night each summer for a sleepover in their outfield. Every year, my son has wanted very badly to attend and every year our answer has been the same. "When you are a Webelo, we'll go." Last year, my son became a Webelo, but we were smack in the middle of moving and could not logistically work it out. He had a very fun alternative, though.

So I was sweating it last week, realizing there had been so much rain and flooding. This was my son's last year to be able to attend, and I was praying hard. It turns out the smart folks down at the ball field have been not only covering the infield during the rains, but last week they began covering the outfield as well. My son has been talking about this night since he was little bitty. He could not wait!

What delicious weather the departed rains gave us for our Big Night! Instead of our usual sweltering 100 degrees by this time of year, the high yesterday was about 78! My husband has been working extra long hours the past three days to make up work after 3 1/2 weeks off, so he wasn't too keen on attending the game with us. He loves baseball all right. What he doesn't love is my daughter not loving it so much. She is a girly girl through and through and has a tough time appreciating the point of sitting in a stadium chair for three hours "watching guys spit and swing at a ball." I really wanted my husband to go, because we were going to have to walk through some parking lots late after the game to retrieve our things for camping and there are a lot of bars in the vicinity of the ball park. So I was thrilled when my niece called my daughter to come over and play and my SIL and BIL offered to keep her until 11p last night despite their many errands.

As my husband and I set out with the boys for downtown, we realized that was probably the first time it had ever been the four us without our daughter. It felt sort of weird. As we arrived downtown, we stumbled across a parade of shiny speedboats showcasing their grit through the streets before today's big race. And Oh My Word, I could do a whole other post on the traffic and parking nightmare that ensued but the details are much to tedious and gor*y. Suffice it to say, it took us about 40 minutes, a policeman, and some illegal driving maneuvers (condoned by the policeman) to go around the block once.

It was nice to get into our favorite Mexican food restaurant and consume the most delicious fajitas anywhere in these parts! (And these parts are rather expert at fajitas in general.) It was not so nice to be hounded by the "balloon boy" as my husband so affectionately dubbed him, a forty-ish year old man who was undoubtedly just trying to make a living. But our boys are too big for balloon animals and we couldn't carry them into the stadium and besides all that he insulted me when I very politely told him "no thank you."! To the point my hubby looked at me with saucer-sized eyes right in front of him to show his surprise at the man's manners. No worry. I was here for my son's big outing and I was not going to let "balloon boy" spoil our fun!

We left the restaurant stuffed like it was our last meal on Earth and headed for the stadium. Excitement was everywhere! It's one of the things I have always adored about baseball. Besides being a brilliant game anyway (the strategy of ONE MAN against a whole team at any given moment, but part of a team of his own - brilliant - the stark difference between offense and defense), I love all of the hoopla that surrounds it. The promotions, the giveaways, the games played on top of the dugout during inning changes, the fan participation, the music, and the mascot. And what other sport lets players eat while they play? Fun I tell you! Last night was "Child Advocacy night." So the kids each scored free ball caps, rubber bracelets and t-shirt jerseys with our team's logo, plus membership into their kids' club at a seriously discounted price. The game was great! Several outstanding plays, only one questionable call, and our team won in overtime. The boys seemed to come within inches of catching a foul ball so many times! (Maybe some day.) Plus our old neighbors spotted us while they were working a booth and came over the last five innings to catch up and trade new addresses.

Now it was time for the camp out! My hubby and younger son walked us back to our car where Dalton and I loaded in and headed over to the VIP lot. We sat in the car and watched the fireworks display from the staging area. It was fun to watch the motorized "gun machine" shoot out fireworks in perfect patterns, then watch the night glow from such a close distance. Next we headed back into the stadium, sleeping bags and tent in tow. We were taken to the VIP Sponsors' balcony overlooking the first base line and treated to popcorn, lemonade and cookies the size of my face! (Those didn't look so good after such a big dinner.) Dalton and I had the lemonade and then headed for the field to be one of the first to pick our spot. We needed extra time to e*re*ct the tent since we had just purchased it that afternoon. (The 16 man we bought for our youth group retreats just didn't seem that practical.) The tent was easy until the last step when the stadium lights were shut off to start the movie. Thankfully about 5 other people had purchased the same tent on the way to the game as well, so together we all helped each other to figure it out!

As "Little Big League" began to play on the scoreboard, the boys ran around the great big outfield, living every little boy's dream! I think all girls have fant*as*ize*d at one time or another about living at the mall and every little boy wonders what it would be like to live at the ball field! How I enjoyed listening to Dalton as he detailed this wish out loud! "Our bedrooms could be in the sky boxes and we could visit a different concession for each meal and my friends could come over and play ball anytime......."

None of Dalton's Pack members showed up for this camp out this year and I was the only mother there without her husband (one of three ladies total), but Dalton didn't mope. I was SO PROUD of him for getting out there and involving himself with his new friends. They played tag amongst the tents and shone flashlights at the police chopper overhead who was saying "hello" with his own spotlight. But mostly, they just threw the ball around and envisioned it all being real. Dalton also shared his ball with several little kids who hadn't brought equipment and treated them to an impromptu training camp pitching against the padded wall. He has always loved teaching and leadership. I milled around and met some of the other parents from other towns in our metro, then fought sleep watching the movie.

Finally at about 2:40am, the movie ended and Dalton came back to the tent. We had sweet, quiet discussion about blessings and being together before he picked up his new video game to play a little. Then he asked, "Mom. I never have pulled an all nighter. Do you care if I try to stay up all night?" He's growing up so fast. I looked at the clock. It was 3:06 and wake up was scheduled for 6:30 anyway. "Naaaah. But I'm going to have to try to sleep just a little so stay in the tent, O.K?" "Yes ma'am."

I fell asleep so contented to be on this soft grass next to my first born.

This morning, we woke with the sun, minutes before the ball field started piping "Journey" over the loudspeakers. Dalton hadn't quite made it. He said he fell asleep at about 4:30, but he'd had a lot of fun. That's all I needed to hear. We disassembled our tent quickly to avoid the afore-warned 7am sprinkler setting and partook of juice and pancakes before heading home, exhausted and happy. It's 2:15 now and Dalton is still sleeping, and finally, I would imagine, dreaming dreams of the subconscious variety.

He's had the most incredible opportunities in his young years to "sleep" over in such fun places - the ball field, the Science Museum, various lakes and even his own school. I can't wait to ask him when he wakes up where this one ranks.

Que Sera Sera

It's raining. God is still good. I'm drowning - but only in laundry and blessings. My hubby has never been home so much with us. He is keeping an excellent attitude concerning all of his loss of work. God has taken perfect care of us through it all. Somehow, we haven't missed a paycheck, and if this week we have to - He'll take care of us still. Please pray for those whose homes are flooded. And those who have lost love ones to the rivers. Then, if you don't mind, would you please pray for an unspoken request concerning our church as well? I would really appreciate it.

Justice is handling today's rain and game cancellation well. I think he got it all out yesterday and has accepted God's will for the rain. I love how God is always teaching us - even when we are little, he is helping us to know Truth.

My niece is leaving Monday to be scanned for the results of her chemotherapy. Our whole family is in much prayer for good - no great - results.

My next door neighbor just this minute left for Los Angeles to attend his brother's funeral. He also makes his living outdoors. So at least an upside to the rain is that he doesn't have to struggle with wondering whether he can afford to miss work to go. (They've already fore casted more rain for tomorrow.)

This is the bigger picture. Life is full. Sometimes we celebrate, sometimes we mourn, mostly we just live the day to day, trying our best and knowing that one day, if we truly know God, it will ALL be worth it just to be in His presence.

Now I'm going to let my hubby have his computer back. He is antsy to do something. :)

He's Not Having A Ball!

The main events that have dotted our summer are over and this week we have finally settled into Official Summertime School Break relaxation mode. No impending events, no hovering commitments, just laundry and cleaning and time spent with friends and catching fireflies and the library. And a couple thousand other "little" things, but they are things within our own family and timetable.

So, I thought, it's time to FINALLY catch up on so many posts I've not only been promising, but also which I have been WANTING to write, especially before the memory of details slowly fades as time always promises. Today I was going to thank my dear sweet friend Michele, not only for the sweet, sweet honor she bestowed upon me in the form of a blogger award, but also for the bag of home grown pistachios she sent us in the mail. Thanks Michele! I'll e-mail you. Then I was going to answer my Grandma's e-mail, then finally share my thoughts on my Lollipop in her new Christian life.

But here's what happened.

My son lost it. I mean utterly, totally and completely lost it. And I certainly do not even blame him. As of today, July 10, 2007, we officially have received more rain in our city for this year than we usually receive in a whole year through December! Every news cast for the past two weeks leads with some rain-related story. Flooding is the obvious major wide spread problem right now. Then there's potholes, loss of revenue from dozens of outdoor event cancellations, and on a personal level, my husband has been unable to work in almost a month. But I have not complained. I haven't needed to. I am well aware that God has his reasons and I can always trust in them. Perhaps this summer he is trying to provide free swimming lessons to everyone! :) I don't know. But we regularly use this example with our children when the rain prevents them from an activity they have been anticipating.

"I know you are disappointed, but the farmers need the rain to grow the crops so that
everyone can eat, honey. If it NEVER rained, we would never have food. And it will
always be inconvenient for SOMEONE when it rains. Sometimes that means us. Even
though in the long run, it's also for our good."

I have been so proud of the kids. Their summer baseball schedule officially started on June 3. That practice night was cancelled due to rain - as was the June 5 practice and the June 6 game. And EVERY single practice AND every game since then! I am not kidding!!! My poor, excited, patient, sports-loving, 5-year-old has not donned his uniform ONE TIME this summer. He has been disappointed. He has been sullen and sad. But he has been SO SWEET, as his voice shook and his eyes averted heaven-ward and he's said with a half-convinced sigh, "It's O.K., the farmer's food is more important than sports." My husband and I would watch him with pity and with pride and hope that maybe by the next game, the field would be dry.

Last night, it rained 5 inches here. I was skeptical whether tonight he would get to finally even MEET HIS COACH FOR PETE SAKE by going to the field to play. It's been overcast all day. The boys have watched the weather reports and the e-mail on pins and needles all day to get the verdict. Then, the sun peeked out. THE SUN. We know what it is because the news describes how the west side of the country is drying out from it! Sheesh.

So the sun peeked out and the boys begged me to check the e-mail again, "Please, Mom, it's sunny, can we check it, can we check it right now, please!" So I did. It had only been 20 minutes from the last check.

"All games for Tuesday, July 10 have been CANCELLED due to field conditions."

My 10-year-old ignored me as he walked to the living room to catch the rest of the show his sister is watching from her sick bed.

But Justice. Well, he has finally had enough of trying to be patient. He just couldn't hold it in for an instant longer. His frustration and disappointment has finally reached the same saturation point as the houses on the nearby river! He cried and cried and cried and cried. I held him. And he cried. Then cried and cried some more. The poor child. His first word as a baby was "ball." He had to wait two years for us to even put him in sports because of all of our timing struggles the past few years. He was devastated and today he didn't need lectures or explanations or farmer's stories, but a hug.

Once he calmed down enough, I told him his Daddy and I had already decided last night that if the games were cancelled again, we'd go to the batting cages tonight, then out for pizza. This seemed like a surprisingly suitable compromise to him. Then his next question made me giggle inside. "Mom, can I please wear my uniform to go to hit balls tonight? I just really want to wear it." Well......why would I ever say "No" to that?! (He actually didn't even want to wait for tonight so he is changing clothes as I type.) :)

Sometimes, when you're temporarily unable to do the work, you have to keep the dream alive by at least playing the part.

Into every life a little rain must fall, but eventually I'm assuming it must also dry up again.....so the poor boy's tears might as well.

More Observations Of A Wedding

Read previous post first for a good overview.

Names used are ones that are already public. Otherwise, I've used initials or titles to protect privacy

For my own memory, here are some of the more outstanding events from last night's wedding, for better - or for worse.

Three dozen butterflies being released at the moment the couple was introduced as Mr. and Mrs. - Beautiful. Stunning.

Every table at dinner had a framed piece of the couple's handwritten love notes to each other. THAT is the coolest idea I have EVER seen for a wedding! So sweet!

It didn't rain! After 20 straight days of rain and five over the previous record, how fitting that it stopped the very day of the outdoor ceremony!!!

My 5-Y-O practically dragging my 7-Y-O back down the aisle during the recessional! She was trying to do the slow graceful walk she had been asked to do during practice, while he was trying to rush back to the building to get some air conditioning! Everyone was cracking up as he pulled at his tie and everyone could tell exactly why he was rushing! He is so much his father's son.

My camera battery dying without warning (literally - the warning light never came on), then coming back on long enough for one more photo, of my three kiddos in their tuxes and dress, who instead of saying "Ewww" hugged lovingly in front of the cascading waterfall and vine-covered arch.

Nobody tripping on the cobblestone like had happened at least four times in rehearsal. Thank you God.

It took four full days of nothing else but wedding preparations for my three children to be in the wedding. Which means for my sister-in-law, the mother of the bride.......well.......like she said, the PARENTS deserve the hone*ymoon!

We added the pink Gerber daisy my daughter wore in her chignon to the bag of dried flowers her flower girl will throw at her wedding. The other flowers in the bag are ones my husband has given her for Valentine's Days and Birthdays - and the first day of school.

A little girl in attendance threw an absolute, all-out, throw-down-on-the-floor-and-scream temper tantrum because my younger niece would not let her hold the butterfly she and my daughter were holding. But the girl had already had it once before and practically dism*ember*ed the thing. (Probably why it wasn't flying away.) My niece and daughter were holding it for the photographer until he could get a picture of the bride and grooms' hands and wedding rings with the butterfly sitting on the rings. This little girl was the daughter of a business associate of the bride's parents and since everyone except for the bride and groom had already been excused from photos, she shouldn't have even been down there. She was SOMETHING ELSE!

As much as I occasionally enjoy dressing up to the nines and sitting at a formal dinner, my husband does not. I know he was bored out of his gord. But I was so proud of him. I never once saw him play on his cell phone! (This was my first formal dress since the p*rom! And ironically, it was the exact same color and similar style.)

Men should never ever be subjected to black tuxedo jackets....outside....in the Midwest in July. I was uncomfortable just looking at them.

My primary reason for being in the bridal room was to help my daughter (the flower girl) and my younger niece (the mini-bride) get ready. I am somewhere near the middle age-wise of my sister-in-law (the bride's mom) and her kids, who were also my husband's and my students in Youth Group at church when we were the co-leaders to the youth pastor and his wife, our best friends. Got all that? So in the past, I've had the privilege of having my nieces confide in me the things they might not otherwise tell a parent. But yesterday, as Lindsay's mom would sometimes be somewhere else busy with the staff, I felt that Lindsay was needing to talk to her Bridesmaids about all the things that are meant for Girlfriends alone. Things like the stress she was feeling from the last-minute details and anticipation of the honeym*oon night. But I'm just guessing. So I made sure to spend moments that I could outside the room with the two younger girls. She no longer views me so much as the friend as she does just like her own parents. And that's O.K. She's a grown woman now. With grown up young adult friends all her own. That's a big part of what marriage is. A new life with chosen friends and a circle of trusted confidantes you build together as your own new family.

A former youth group student of ours (7 years ago, when he was much, much smaller!) arrived at the wedding and seemed to not even know who I was. An hour later, though, he ran up to me with the biggest hug, picked me up off the ground, and exclaimed "Miss Nikki - one of my very favorites!" That made my night! Even if my appearance has changed so much he couldn't recognize me, at least when I was pointed out to him, he had good things to say. :)

While we prepared for three hours in the bridal room, the venue piped in 1930's and 40's style Jazz Love Tunes. One favorite of mine - "It Had To Be You."

Having an older niece is good preparation for having a daughter. I suspect it also just won't seem right seeing her in lacy pa*nties and an adhesive *bra either!

The DJ played "S*tript*ease Bur*lesq*ue" as Leo took the garter off of Lindsay - hilarious!

As Lindsay's little sister caught the bridal bouquet, her dad could be overheard yelling, "Huh-uh! Give me a few years to pay for this one first!"

When the couple walked back down the aisle for the first time as husband and wife, the song played was "Let's* Get It *On" by Marvin Gaye. Everything was done so tastefully that this actually came across very cute!

Judging will always be one of people's favorite pastimes. Lindsay and Leo sought premarital counseling from the same sweet Christian woman who was already counseling Leo's family through his mother's impending death from cancer. When they found out this woman was also a U.S. Justice, they asked her to perform the ceremony because of the relationships that have been developed, not because they've lost their Baptist beliefs. But it's funny how many people will automatically condemn what they do not even know.

Leo's mother looked stunning! No one ever said, "she looks so good for having cancer." She just plain looked good! My sister-in-law also looked the prettiest I have ever seen her!

One of my favorite things about weddings is that it expands families. Leo and his older sister Lacey are getting extraordinarily close to Lindsay's family, with their mother's blessing, because she will soon be gone. Their father has not been around since the two of them were little and there is no extended family. So they will have each other, and us. (The entire small town where they grew up is like family to them as well. They are extremely graceful, well-rounded people.) And it's just neat how the parents are nurturing it all. Leo's sister and myself, Lindsay's aunt by marriage, are really hitting it off well!

It is awesome to be in the wedding party of a girl who works as a hairdresser in a Spa, with plenty of hairdressers as bridesmaids. I've never seen so much good hair at a wedding!

I didn't think I'd hit the dance floor. But when the DJ plays "The Twist" and "Shout (Lift Your Hands Up)," and your five-year-old is getting his groove on, it's just too fun to pass up!

My (seven-year-old) niece garnered a circle of onlookers and chanting of her name in unison when she started break dancing in a mini-bride dress to "Disco Inferno."

The venue was an old orphanage (in an 80+ year old building) restored now for weddings and receptions. It was so beautiful, both architecturally (which I love) and in history. You could look all around and be glad that someone once thought enough of the children there to give them a beautiful place with lots of big windows and outdoor play areas. My kids had a BLAST exploring with all of the other child guests.

Personalized water bottles and hand fans are the PERFECT party favors for guests of a hot July wedding!

Thank goodness for dark lighting when you have a MAJOR breakout the day before a swanky soiree.

I unintentionally caused my niece (the bride) to begin weeping all over again when I beamed "Well, Miss C., in fifteen more minutes, you will be Mrs. M!" Obviously, her emotions were on a huge roller coaster ride.

Bridesmaids leave things. Lots and lots of things. One of Lindsay's friends and I returned to the bridal room after the reception to collect a trunk load of items belonging to many of the girls who had already left.

Chicken smothered in wild mushroom milk sauce and my daughter's French silk flower girl dress had exactly the relationship I had hoped they wouldn't. But it is just "so her" that I couldn't help but to just shrug and smile. I hope it comes out!

Lindsay's sister three years her junior was the Maid Of Honor and is a wonderful public speaker. During her toast, T. told a story about how she and Lindsay would be trying to fall asleep in their dark room as kids. Lindsay, the older sister, would get scared and beg T. to sleep with her in her b*ed. T. told how now that Lindsay getting married, she would miss being the one to keep her sister safe at night. (And everyone "awwwed" and cried.) Then she said, "but if anyone else is going to take that responsibility from me, I'm so glad it is Leo. He's an awesome brother-in-law and I know he'll be the best husband to Lindsay. And, maybe someday, he'll be required to make some business trips and I can go over and take HIS place again while he is gone. Besides, everyone needs a break sometimes!" And as quickly as we all had shed tears we were roaring with laughter. (This only egged her on.) "Especially from Lindsay." Her comment was unplanned. T. is just really good with impromptu speaking. Leo's best man, whom I don't know, also expressed heartfelt words of admiration for Leo. He said that of all their buddies, he had probably had the most hard knocks in life, but it had made him the strong man the rest of them looked up to.

Leo looks like a perfect mix of James Dean and the guy who played "Dylan" on Beverly Hills 90210.

Young boys are disappointed by limousines at weddings. They would MUCH RATHER put shaving cream and tin cans on an old beater!

I REALLY WISH I didn't have to return tuxedos today! Or that my hubby didn't have to go to work since it's not raining today, but it's fore casted all next week! Ugh! We were up much too late.

Even guys can admit that a couple hundred laser wands and crickets chirping in the summer darkness during the send off of a couple who is "Just Married" is very romantic!

As wonderful as the evening was, I CAN WAIT until it's my daughter. About thirty years, in fact!!!

Love is a special and weddings are fun!

Flowers And Vows And Bittersweet Changes

Every once in a blue moon, I'll have what feels like complete clarity of thought. Not in the sense that I have life all figured out. Just that I am seeing all the many facets of my existence through the filter of absolute Truth. But the vast majority of the time, I feel like there is always something or other that I am still figuring out. I am awestruck by the speed at which life changes. EVERY SINGLE DAY holds multiple situations to gain some new perspective I've never known before. Every single moment has never happened before - and it never will again. I only get one chance to soak it in, to assess it for what it's teaching me, and to enjoy it before moving on. Sometimes....I get stuck at the "moving on."

Not so long ago, my niece served as the flower girl at my wedding to Greg, her mother's brother. Tonight, my own daughter served as the flower girl for Lindsay. And I was rather awed by the full circle that Life seems to create. Some of the guests were people I went to church with years ago. Some were distant relatives with grayer hair and shakier voices than they'd had the last time we saw them. Others we didn't know brought new babies in carriers who slept through all the hoopla. My sons, who are usually too shy to garner public attention, thoroughly surprised me by cutting up the dance floor. They also learned the existence of some new language and lost some trust in some people who decided to sneak alcohol into the celebration, which was quite conspicuously confiscated when the perpetrators beligerant behavior tipped off the staff. But I have a new nephew, whose an old-fashioned kind of gentleman because his single mother raised him right. Tonight, she openly thanked God for sparing her from her wide-spread cancer long enough to see this day. We all wept at that. And the bride - had a complete stereotypical wedding-day-jittery meltdown just moments before walking the cobblestone aisle. The moment became a flashback for me. I handled awkward uneasiness the same way, with lots of crying followed by goofy inappropriate giggling to thwart the crying!

Lindsay looked STUNNING! Everyone always says their bride is the most beautiful they have ever known and they each are right. That's how it's supposed to be. But Lindsay is the type of light-eyed, wide-smiling brunette that looks like she walked right out of the pages of a classic black-and-white GAP ad. She's just that pretty. And I must say, my own little flower girl looked her best EVER! I let her wear a little makeup for the special occasion, another milestone in my life that seems to change much too quickly. One that at once brought me both pain and immense pride. I will never ever forget looking at her Daddy looking at her with her pink lip gloss and pink Gerber daisy in her hair. (She looked so sweet, even one of the butterflies released during the first kiss landed right on her fingertips!)

Even the nature of my relationship with my sister-in-law changed a bit through these wedding preparations. We have always been close, but she is a tough-as-nails, take charge kind of woman, raised with four brothers. I came in as the only SIL, several years younger, and Kim took on the role of bossy, protective older sister. Tonight, I got to clean up the bridal room so she could relax her feet. I got to run back to the room for tissues the girls had forgotten so she wouldn't miss watching which guests were coming in. I never told her about the spills I mopped up in the hall so she wouldn't worry about her reputation with the venue staff - or getting back her deposit. She was the Mother Of The Bride for the first time in her life and I wanted her to enjoy it. And you know what? I loved that! Usually because she's older and wiser, she gets more opportunity to help me through things. But roles sometimes shift. Times change. Ready or not. Tonight, a girl has changed her name. My sons have changed their minds that a wedding is boring. My daughter changed right before our eyes with a professional updo and a little dab of blush. And tomorrow, I'll be changing my perspective.....AGAIN.....about what it all means.

Preparations

There are writings I need to catch up on, but this week, it's all about my beautiful niece and preparing for her wedding tomorrow! I hope your weekend brings much to celebrate as well. :)

I know your's does, Michelle! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'm over the top thrilled for you!!!

My Heart Is Too Full....

to adequately explain the joy I am feeling right now as I peer through the glass door into the back yard.

Thank you, God, for summer days, swimming pools, and Jenny.

O' Sun, Where Art Thou

My Dear Sun,

I know that only three weeks ago, I was extolling the virtues of a good Rain. And I do still love her. But please know that my affection for Rain does not diminish in any way my friendship with you, either. You are each special. Each unique in your own way. And I did enjoy my first few days with Rain, but I have missed you while you have been gone. Rain has been very cool, but I am missing your sunny nature. Without you, life has been a little darker, a bit more dreary. Nineteen days is long time to go without seeing you. Your absence has not gone unnoticed. This is the very longest you have ever been gone from here. And while Rain has been fun to play with for a little while, there is so much she can not do that you are very good at. We can not go to the ball games with her. We have missed five games and several practices so far. Swimming with Rain is not really as fun either. In fact, it can be a bit dangerous. Especially when she tries to be slick. Picnics, walking and biking, and going to the amusement park or zoo - Rain doesn't allow any of that. And quite honestly, she's kept Greg from going to work as well, which is starting to make him worry a bit. With you, Sun, he's happy, at least when you're not beating down on him! :) He misses you, too. I really think rain would be willing to leave for a little while, if you don't feel ready to share the sky. We don't want her to feel bad, but we just need to see you, to know that you're still around. I know lately Rain has gotten a lot of glory in press coverage, but I promise, lots of people will come out to see you if you'll just show up and beam down. So please, Sun, feel free to visit really soon. There are a lot of us looking for you to show up and light up our lives once again!

Good Advice

I have always sought to follow the advice of those who have gone before me and to try my best, yet without their perspective, to take it to heart, especially to "enjoy your husband and children and don't take a single second for granted." But this particular article I found at An Ordinary Mom worded it so beautifully and so succinctly that I had to share. It was such a vivid reminder to go hug my loved ones, really hard......and right now!

“All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

“Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, have all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

“What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations –what they taught me, was that they couldn’t really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

“When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself.

“Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton’s wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane?
“Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.
“Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, ‘Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame.’ The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, “What did you get wrong?”. (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald’s drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

“But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

“I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

“Even today I’m not sure what worked and what didn’t, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I’d done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.

“The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That’s what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.”~ Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist