Being Reflective

For some reason today, each moment has seemed like some monumental theme of importance changing and growing me. I guess if I weren't in such an analytical mood, today's activities would be, well....nothing. But I am.

It's a trait I've had a love-hate relationship with since I was old enough for other people to care. Even as a little girl, I would sit on the curb in front of our ranch-style house and just THINK. Why does each neighbor in our cul-de-sac have such a different life-style? Some fast paced and stressed, some slow and happy, some indifferent, some fast and happy......you get the picture. How did each one come to have the job they have? Why do some have kids and some don't and others do, but seem to wish they didn't? Why do some kids' parents both work, even though they live in the same neighborhood as us but my mom stays home with me? What do they spend their money on? Who is right and who is wrong or is it just O.K to make different life decisions? Why is the sky blue?

And I was O.K with these questions. Even without any answers, I always enjoyed the pondering. But eventually I reached a certain age where it became utterly annoying to those around me. Some were frustrated at not having the answers they thought I was seeking. They didn't get that I could hang out in the hypothetical and be O.K with it. Others just got overwhelmed with my incessant talking! I don't blame them; I get it now.

For a long time, I even analyzed whether to view my trait as a subtle sin I didn't know I was committing. But only because others convinced me of this. "You don't question God, you just follow." I have come to believe otherwise. For it is precisely in my questioning that He answers. Not always in entirety and certainly never in my own timing. But I know my own heart. I am not questioning His goodness. It's just that I'm not content to do things the way I think I am supposed to do it. I like to KNOW that what I am doing is right. His ways are higher than my ways. Therefore the obvious may not always be answer. I am commanded to SEEK OUT His will and His ways. His Scriptures admonish to "search me and try me." So, like I did for stories as a news reporter, I set to asking the questions and sorting the facts. Then I like to dig a little deeper than the Word. I like to pray how to relate Scripture to my own particular circumstances.

All that to say, today I was filled to the brim with peace at just the questions. How did six little misses go so fast from babies in bassinets to a gaggle of girls riding their bikes through the streets singing songs about boys from one Aunt's house to mine? Why does my daughter absolutely LOVE cooking a full blown meal when I really really don't? How did our former Sunday School students become some of our very best friends? How do I love their babies almost as much mine? Why does the sunshine look so much happier after three straight weeks of rain? How do I thank God enough for helping my son to improve so much in one day after so many days off utter misery? Why do I get to live a country where I am free to spend a Saturday the way I deem most fitting? Why don't so many others? When will I ever get to spend as much time with my husband as so many of my friends do with theirs? Will I REALLY know him when I do? When will I EVER get to finally leave the house after so many days with my son sick? Am I discontented, or merely in a bigger fight with the flesh because I am trying not to compromise where others do? What's the purpose in the lessons we are learning? (My boys are having such a rough summer while my daughter's has seemed magical, a total flip-flop from last year.) If God isn't ordaining home-school this year, will He keep their spirits safe? Will they learn from their spiritual failures? How do I avoid the appearance of evil and simultaneously not judge others? Is loneliness sometimes a necessary consequence of doing the right thing, or am I just being too shy to attract the company of those more spiritually fit than myself? Why does praying for lost loved ones have to be so hard? Why does it have to take YEARS to have that prayer answered? Will it be answered the way I want it to? Why does God answer such silly prayers as keeping the swimming pool water supernaturally clean until our new pump arrived? Why do moms have to work themselves out of a job just when they are finally getting good at it? (Not me, yet, but I'm already not looking forward to it.) Will my kids REALLY come to me with everything, if I try my best to raise them that way? How did they all get so extraordinarily handsome and beautiful? Why do their freckles melt my heart the way that they do? How can I sometimes be so frustrated and other times so enraptured with the very same people? Why does summer always seem so short, no matter how you spend it? Why can't chocolate be more healthy? When will I ever get time to adequately reflect to write some more important post updates with feeling?

Why can I sometimes just NOT SHUT OFF THIS BRAIN OF MINE?

How did I get so blessed?
Why does GRACE seem so simple an answer?