Real Faith

Honestly, today I am struggling. Struggling with a problem that I have faced for many many years and that if I could just have a good scream and get it over with, I would probably feel better. But I can not. To do what is right, though I don't always feel like it, I must preserve the dignity of guilty parties. I have my own attitude to keep in check also, of course, but right now I'm having a moment of fatigue at feeling like it is ALWAYS my turn to "do the right thing" in the situation. Of course, that's not true. I do not do the right thing when I tell God that I've had enough already. Apparently, He doesn't think so yet. And He does know best. THAT I still do know. I don't always necessarily FEEL it, but I do know it. That to me is what faith really is. A belief He is worthy of my trust EVEN when I can not find Him. He has not lost me. It just seems like it momentarily. I do still continue to count my blessings. Not because I am in any way morally superior. Just because He in His mercy has taught me to. It ALL comes back to Him. That I know. I have come to believe (but not yet fully accept) that this may be the thorn in my side that Paul speaks of that God chooses never to take away. I don't know why. It SEEMS like I have learned all I am supposed to from it. But maybe not. Maybe it is to produce in me TRUE long suffering. The kind that presses on despite the lack of any promise. That is how I know I believe in Him. Not because I always FEEL His presence; I don't always. Not merely because it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. Not because of trying to build any sort of false testimony. Just because it's what He wants, for me to withhold my frustration and give it to Him. It's natural to want to try to please the one you love. And I DO love Him. The actions I am dealing with are not His. He is not to blame. He is sometimes my ONLY source of comfort when I can not otherwise share my struggles. Maybe right now, I can not see Him, because He is busy formulating an answer for me finally. I don't know. And at least by now I have learned that I don't have to know. I just want to continue to know HIM. Jesus said He came not to minister to the well, but to the sick. (They that be whole need not a Physician. Mark 9:12) Therefore, anyone claiming to know Him, but to have it all together spiritually has missed the point entirely. And it is precisely when I am at my weakest, that His glory is manifested best. I am completely unimpressed with the whole "buck up, push through, be brave and save yourself" mentality. Right verbiage and eloquent words won't help my situation. HE will. In HIS time. And for today, He HAS MADE ME SURE of this - no body else's judgement will separate me from Him, EVEN when I am unable to say "there He is." (The judgement from assumptions that I can't correct, because I must protect the very ones whose sins limits my choices.) That's the real faith that He gave me. It's far from perfect, but it's most definitely from Him. "I KNOW whom I have believed and am persuaded that HE is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day." No one else has to believe me. I only need to believe Him.