A Reminder

Recently there has been a discussion full of drama between many commenters on a blog of my family members. Many opinions and insights from an array of people with different backgrounds, lifestyles and view points. You know, pretty much how God intended us to be, and yet some seem to be trying to convince others we must all think alike in order to be "Godly" Christians (and in areas so far from the basic tenets of The Faith.)


All of this resulted from a negative comment that was left and it reminded me so much of a similar situation I went through a few months ago. (Except that my situation was less serious and the negative, uninformed comment was made in person.) I don't want to contribute my two cents to THEIR blog, their space. So since VBS is taking up all my time this week and I haven't had time to post, I'll re-post my thoughts from that earlier experience.


THE COMPARISON OF PAIN
Friday, January 26, 2007



I hate to admit that I haven't typed lately because I've had to work out the doubt and confusion going on inside of my head. Logically I know that to allow such a thing is to let the flesh win out, but emotionally I have struggled to embrace it. My problem is big and it requires patience while witnessing some very unfair struggles for my children. This is why I am not sharing further. My kids deserve that dignity and my love would allow nothing less. Personally though, I could appreciate the encouragement that a knowing friend brings. That is the hardest part of this trial. I have learned through other difficult tests that it is God alone upon who I am to rely. Not even a wise Christian friend is an acceptable substitute for His perfect counsel. Sometimes I just miss the message that a tangible hug brings. How I wish when He wrapped His arms tight around me that the squeeze could be physically detected! But He is just and He is good and He's allowing me to realize that more than ever precisely through our sorest trials.


Last night, my friend came over to help my husband with a business task. I have seen her allergies raging many times, so I could detect that her sniffles were not due to weather. I met her at the end of the hallway as she emerged from the restroom to ask if she was O.K. That was it. "Are you O.K.?" And the tears fell like a fountain! She told me she was having to quit a side job she adores to work on her marriage. This was a devastating last straw for her in a phase so full of tumult. This job (only 2 hours weekly) was her one and only time all week to do something she felt was appreciated. As she continued to sob, she described how just before her arrival at our house, her husband had verbally berated her in front of the children, gotten drunk and ridiculed her faith. Oh, yeah, and her teenage son is out of control. "What else?" she struggled not to question.


Today, I had the opportunity to see an old friend I haven't spoken to since college. He's apparently done a much better job of keeping up with classmates as he relayed to me the current "goings-on" in their lives. Of the 20 or so students I spent 60 or more hours a week with while seeking our degrees, only one other besides me has stayed married to their first spouse. Three have never been married at all. That of course leaves a dozen or more divorced! A feeling of sadness washed over me upon hearing the news of so many of my one-time friends struggling in this way. All but two have left the business (television broadcasting - not generally easy on relationships), many in failed attempts to save those marriages.


God answered my prayer to find Dwight last week, to know that he was faring well in the icy elements outside. He nonchalantly assured me that he would sleep in a garage that night instead of under the bridge, but he was incessantly wanting to discuss our teeth. He told me he sure was jealous that I had them, but he would be happy for me as long as long as I promised to appreciate their worth. I never have thought to be thankful I can chew! I promised him I would remember my blessing as I became overwhelmed with humility. I've known the Scripture verse that "the greatest shall be least and the least will be greatest." And yet God saw fit to give me this real-life example. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with how big a blessing he was handing to me for such a small and meager effort to share His love. He called me to speak to this homeless man about Him, and instead uses this man to convict me so strongly. I hope I never forget as I brush my teeth each morning what an incredible gift he has given me in my mouth, the filthiest of all human organs.


And so it usually goes. Whenever I feel most sure I am going to be too burdened by the problems of another, that is when I receive the better blessing. And sometimes, when I have the most genuine concern, I am deeply hurt when the person doesn't trust me (really they just don't trust ANYONE) to share their load. I find something terribly sinful about America's determination to buck up and be strong at all costs. When did we as a society become so distrustful of God that we decided it's better to harden our hearts than to pour them out to Him?! I have struggled with this myself. It's like there's some unwritten rule that if someone else has a "bigger" problem, then ours should be non-existent. And if I'm completely honest, I have to wonder, is this because we've become keenly aware that people in general may not want to bear our burdens with us? Are we afraid that if we hurt, we may hurt alone? I have known this pain and to me it is the worst kind.My friend last night sobbed out all that had been bottled up and could no longer be held in. You could almost feel the waves of hurt and relief come rushing out in one mighty wave. And I felt a closer kinship to her because of it. I FELT A CLOSENESS I very badly needed to feel. I realized last night as I prayed for my friend that the people who I have always felt the nearest to are not necessarily the ones that I trust, but the ones that trust have trusted me! (I have certainly not always DESERVED this trust.) But last night, I cared for this heart-broken girl like never before in the instant she chose me to be the one to listen.

A good friend once gave me plaque that said "A Friend is God's Way of Loving You Through Someone Else." No matter how often I change the decor of our home, that plaque always has a prominent place. I knew what she meant by it, that she loves me so much but God loves me so much more. Last night, I was at least as blessed as my friend. She got the support she needed and though I am such an imperfect ambassador, God let me be his ears and arms when my friend so DESPERATELY needed it.How it broke my heart when she tried to diminish her circumstances with "....... I shouldn't complain. I know others are going through much worse than me." I knew her heart. She wanted to make God proud, to be faithful and strong - and she HAS BEEN, for YEARS in her marriage especially. She has honored her vows and not quit. But I sometimes wonder - why have we been so conditioned to compare pain? To pass judgement upon which pain is worthy of our concern? I am NOT saying we should "let it all hang out." We are commanded to have total reliance upon God and self-control! But why are we so afraid to honor Galatians 6:2 (Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ) without a specific explanation of the problem? Or a personality that has "earned" our empathy, even in their deepest grief? Or even more, why are we reluctant to let others honor this verse in girding us up in our trials? Has Christianity really become a contest, in which I'm to prove my "Godly strength" over yours? Isn't that once more taking credit for God's accomplishments in us?


I have deep abiding love for teenagers and young singles. And they are such a good study in honesty. They may be obnoxious, but if you listen they usually tell it like it is until they're "encouraged" not to. (And I know this is so much easier to take when I have not gone there yet with my own kiddos.) Perhaps it's my love for these kids that has caused me to so deeply analyze these questions. So many adults will tease them for having too much angst over their grades or a breakup, but to them that IS perhaps the biggest problem they've ever dealt with! I can handle so much more now in Christ than I once could - and so much less than certain others around me who've experienced more. I have been through the most violent of all crimes against women and come out stronger because of it. I feel confident in counseling others when it has happened to them. But I would crumble in the beginning at the prospect of a severely fragile child, which my brother and sister-in-law handle with grace.


Just like our personalities are uniquely created to minister to different individuals, our trials are uniquely allowed to teach us very personal lessons. I need to work on something very different from my friend at any given time. I believe it's just one reason why we are so sternly warned not to judge one another. I have strengths where others do not. I have weaknesses that are their strengths. And vice-versa. Pain is painful to the person who lives it. We ALL will have it to varying degrees and for certain seasons that God alone ordains. So next time a friend or stranger cries out for someone to listen that their marriage is failing or their loved one has died or their washing machine broke or they didn't make the ball team, I hope I will strive to recognize THEIR pain without finding need to compare it to my own. God, this is my prayer.