Loved And Disheveled

The day didn't start out so well for my sweet little girl. Last night, I had gotten up to tend to one of my boys, who are sick, and then returned to bed at what I thought was 4:00. Apparently, though, it was actually closer to 7:00. I guess in my fatigue I read the clock wrong. So when my husband woke me up with alarm in his voice 10 minutes later, there was a reason. We were late getting ready for school.

I rushed my daughter to get dressed, which she hates, and we were out the door. She was unusually quiet on the way to school. As I checked on her in the rear view mirror, she had her mouth full of toast. Usually breakfast happens at the table before leaving for school. I smiled and with complete forgiveness for the morning, she smiled back. Just a few minutes earlier, we had had a duscussion about choosing whether to believe Truth or lies. Lies were easier to believe (that the whole day was going to go badly), but with my reminder, partly spoken out loud for my own benefit, she had chosen to believe otherwise - and it made me so proud of her.

I made her come to the front seat for a big hug before walking in. We hadn't spent our normal cuddle time in waking up this morning and since we were running late, there were no cars behind me in line to rush me through. So I sat there a good long while, watching her walk away. The clothes that she had picked out herself the night before were perfectly matched, but one of her pant legs was hung up on her boot and her sweater was hanging crooked off her right shoulder. A tremendous pride welled up inside of me and a broad smile overtook my face.

As I hurried to return home to the boys, I couldn't help but consider that scene and think about God.

What had made me so very proud and protective of my daughter in that moment? I know full well that the very things I see about her that make me swoon are also the very things most likely to cause some kid in a bad mood to redicule. That the ends of her pigtails were frizzing in the mist. That she may have had a few crumbs of toast still around the corner her mouth. Sure, I am very proud of her that I can trust her to pick out an outfit that is nice-looking and appropriate, as she had this morning. But it was the little idiosyncrisies she committed that caused me to love her even more.

Our pastor once said that many of the ways we behave as parents (when they are positive) are because we are made in God's image. Apart from our sins, we have hearts to love our kids because in His mercy He made us to be like Him, with hearts turned toward those we love. When He resides in our hearts, He spends the rest of our lives shaping our hearts to more purely resemble His own.

Those little things my daughter did that were imperfect, yet not rebellious, are proof of her NEED for me. I smile because when she falters, I get to be the one to reassure her how loved she is anyway. I get to be the one she looks up to for an example when she tries again the next time. I get to help her through the process of practicing her skills until she improves. Since I was not awake early this morning brushing her hair and straightening her outfit, she looked a little less "put together" than usual. And watching her walk away was a reminder of that. She needs my help in this world because she is not yet where I am at in terms of skills or knowledge. How much more true that is of myself and God!

I spend so much of my time trying to DO the right things and THINK the right things and PRAY the right things and I wonder if God isn't also looking down on me, shaking his head with a smile and thinking the same thing. "I'm so glad I'm needed." I am not talking about disobedience here (I believe also in God's chastisement because I have at times needed and received it). But what if, when I am feeling so very spiritually inadequate, God is more glad that I realize it than disappointed for all I don't get? In fact, if I theoretically ever got to the point where I did have it all together, spiritually speaking (yeah, right), how would I even know that I still needed Him? Thousands of people do make that assumption, I think - that they are fine enough without Him.

Maybe this is why in the Bible, believers are so continually referred to as the "children of God." Just as a reminder that we will NEVER become fully independent in this life. There will always be more for Him to teach us. There will continue to be a need for his love and guidance, in fact in the world to come as well.

My brother blogged last night about his frustration that he "felt like he was doing it all wrong." I assumed he meant either his prayers or in the choices he was having to make for his tiny daughter. He and his wife are so tired, I'm amazed they can string together three words between them, much less meaningful coherent ones. And I think his statement was likely just an effect of that exhaustion. But I feel like this glimpse of the Father's heart this morning was to show that we don't have to "do it all right." Only HE is capable of that. He just wants to love us because we CAN'T do it all right. And to encourage us to keep trying. Because He is there to help us with that too.

From now on, I will have a new picture of His love for me. Each day as I get dressed and go out into the world and "go to school," - spiritually - I will picture Him smiling at my crooked clothes and messy hair and happy that I still need Him. And I'll try to remember that the same way that my daughter melts my heart with all her efforts that don't quite accomplish what she had meant for them to, God is loving me in that same way. Not only proud of what I get right, but also compassionate for all of the things that I don't yet understand. I, in turn, just want to make Him proud.