Our Miracle Girl (Part 7)

It's truly difficult to describe the feelings that accompanied the knowledge of this new pregnancy. It was a swirl of emotions, mostly all good, a little bit measured. I was ...... satisfied ....I guess, is the closest word, but still not exact. The news came just a little more than a month before Jordan's due date, May 9, 1998 - Mother's Day. I had had no reason to notice this earlier. How special it was to me now!

There was a quiet gratitude held in my heart for God to work it out that way. I was learning slowly that so much of our joy in life is about the perspective we have in considering it. Suddenly those 3 days that had so persistently haunted me in not being able to acquire a death certificate were precious. My second child's expected birth date would always be remembered as Mother's Day. And since May 9 was as the state pointed out, merely a guess, the "floating" nature of Mother's Day changing each year just seemed like sweet spiritual retribution. Wow! God really is a personal Heavenly Father to us. He really does work out all things for good for us in His own timing. I knew the Bible said so. Now I had my own proof.

I was already 10 weeks along when we found out that this new baby was coming, nearly the same age Jordan had been at death. So there were a lot of reminders. And believe it or not, they were strangely comforting to me privately. But then enormously insulting when someone else would point them out in ignorance. "What a perfect replacement!" someone said of the new baby. Seriously? Really? Did you just have the audacity to say that?! But catch me at another moment and I would be defending that person because I knew it was spoken with the innocence of one who simply had never "been there," and I was genuinely happy for them that they lacked the experience that would give them better understanding.

In short, my emotions were still raw, still working out their meanings. I was most certainly appreciative to have this baby. I wasn't afraid of having any reason to expect a repeat outcome. I was just guarded. I guess I was still in the very midst of the painful (at first) and comforting (later) lesson that God can be trusted WHATEVER happens. I was learning to embrace it even while wishing I didn't have to. I was growing up a little and realizing that life isn't just precious in concept, but by first-hand tangible experience. Therefore, I was going to enjoy this new pregnancy, but I was also going to grieve my lost child because he was worthy of remembrance - just no longer of the hopelessness.

And so I did. Both. Not back and forth but simultaneously. When I look back I thank God for the time I took to confirm the new pregnancy. By the time I discovered I was with child, I was already well into my third month and could immediately look forward to the movement and the growth that proved it was real. There wouldn't be those weeks of waiting for the changes to take place. And on my very next appointment, they may even be able to determine the baby's gender........