Keeping Current?

It has been absolutely forever since I haved blogged, though not journaled. I still write posts and just don't publish them and that has worked out well since Facebook can now fulfill the social aspect of blogging while allowing me to keep my journals private. But honestly, I don't know how the whole blogging thing "works" as far as whether storage will continue when the account is innactive for so long.

So this weekend seemed the perfect thing to "share," if only because it was so happy that I want to pass on that feeling.

I will be honest. I know that Christmas is the favorite time of year for probably the greatest majority of people, but for me it's not. It's not that I DON'T like Christmas, although there are DAYS around the time of Christmas that I can practically despise. For one thing, practically my entire family - my father, my brother, me, my son, my MIL, besides an aunt or cousin or two - all decided to make our grand entrances into this world during the week either before or after Christmas. And while that is joyous, it can be tiring - all that celebrating. Guess I'm really starting to show my age, which this birthday, entered a new decade. One that was celebrated with black as tradition demands.

Then there is the heavy commercialism and rediculous reaction to stress (ESPECIALLY THIS YEAR!) that seems to accompany the Ho Ho holiday. People get SO overwhelmed at finding that "perfect" present, then wondering how to pay for it. And don't even get me started about the road rage I experienced this year! Yikes!

Also this year, just three days after Christmas, we lost a great friend. His memorial was sweet in that it was well attended by almost all Christians who comforted one another in the shared belief that our friend is now well and forever whole in the very presence of Jesus. But he is missed.

(And just for the record, my favorite holiday of all time is Easter, followed by Thanksgiving. I LOVE the meaning and traditions and lack of unbridled commercialism. Fourth of July is a total BLAST too - pun intended.)

So....... all that to say that I enjoyed the holidays. Loved having my family home and curling up under warm blankets and playing games and all. But THIS weekend. This weekend was SWEET to me! After seeing many wonderful old friends while attending our friend's funeral at our former church, it was time to celebrate the New Year. At first I was bummed because our plans fell through when a dear friend whom I haven't seen in much too long had to cancel late in the day because her kids got sick. But our next door neighbors treated us to a small winter cookout and Wii and board games until midnight. Then we watched the ball drop. The East time zone ball! We are in the Central time zone! Sucker duped us by pausing the Tevo just 3 seconds shy of the "big moment!" He's such a jokester!

After sleeping WAY in (felt SO good) on Saturday morning, I cleaned the house up to prepare for the three boys coming over to celebrate my son's 14th birthday. I love older kids' birthdays! Again, the young ones are fun, but when they are older is it less about all the "have to" traditions and more about the life-long friends deciding to do whatever it is they truly enjoy.

So my son and his and buddies and I all went to play Lasertag! It. Was. A. Blast! And at the end I understood exactly why I have just celebrated my "black birthday." What a workout! Especially as they all ganged up on me, following me around in order to shoot me repeatedly without time to respond. I'm just so honored to have a son still willing to engage with his Momma and responsible enough to have friends as great as his are.

After Laser tag, we came home and watched the big bowl game - which our team won - ate pizza and hot wings, played games, and stayed up way too late (1 am for me, 3-6 am for the boys) !

Then this morning, I had the great peace and pleasure of looking down the pew at church to see my entire family plus all four boys and two others that met them there. And they were too tired to misbehave! Ha ha!

Besides that I met a couple who I believe are going to be lifelong friends. It started with a compliment on her cute outfit, which led to an hour long discussion of the early death of her infant son, buried December 4. She is an amazing woman with the sweetest spirit and an equally impressive husband. I'm in awe of God's goodness to me to reward my most feeble attempts at witnessing with friendships with the most amazing, strong Believer's!

Oh, and several other things I just thought of! This is all so random I know, but I just had too many blessing to remember all at once. Thursday it was 75 degrees outside (!) so we went to the mall, which I normally hate. But this time my girl is old enough that I didn't feel so overwhelmed at having to watch her whereabouts, cover her eyes from the smut posters in the windows or worry about money (we had a VERY generous gift card to pick out her new bedding for a soon-to-be remodel). We ran into many friends and just enjoyed the day "hanging out" together. We also met a spunky lady celebrating her 80th birthday!

Sunday after church we went out to eat and again, ran into old friends. (THAT is probably the best part of the weekend. Seeing SO MANY old friends!) And I had the BEST grilled Tilapia that I ever have. Yum!

And just because it's funny, and I want to remember it, and no one comes here to read now anyway.......

I was trying to "unlock" a Facebook answer where an anonymous person had answered that I was NOT attractive. I had to laugh when the picture popped up and it was one of my son's friends who was still over, in the same room. Ha ha! I teased him mercilessly, but he said "How am I supposed to answer that?! If I said yes, then it's like saying my best friend's mom is hot!" After a couple moments silence to think it over, all any of us could muster was complete agreement! He had a point.

So Much Fun

Well, it's been almost 6 months since I've written publicly. There has been SO MUCH I've missed writing about. But life has been full - VERY FULL - and it's required every moment of living it. No time to write. Gosh, in the past 6 months we have had another busy, fun summer that is now only a collection of beautiful memories, had a 4th of July mishap that seriously injured several neighbors, started gardening, been fully engrossed in Pee Wee football, become fairly good friends with a recent Miss America and her amazing finance/hubby as of next Saturday, gotten involved enough with the wonderful people and ministries of our church to finally feel a regular part of things and not like the "new people" anymore, and most life-altering, I've been diagnosed with a major incurable, but treatable disease. Our time now is spent so differently, not so much because of any major lessons on the fragility of life. I learned that a long time ago through the death of our second child, then the death and life again of our third child, and through many other experiences since then, including the death of a good friend and homeless man found yesterday in an open field. And so I'm aware that this disease, while it's been a BOOGER to deal with, is not tragic. It is life altering (I cook every meal now and with only fresh, organic ingredients, which is beyond time-consuming) and it is a huge learning curve for me, but it is only life. It has taught me so much.

But I still regret, though it couldn't be helped, not having all these and a thousand more moments on record to revisit some day when things will inevitably slow down once more. Life cycles, right? Here are three I couldn't resist, all from my "little baby boy," who will be turning eight amazing years old in just two weeks.

Thursday, on the way home from school he said sweetly from the back seat of the car "Do you ever just feel like talking for no reason?" (That alone was funny, coming from my quietest child and addressed to a fully hormonal female.) Then this: "I just feel like I need to talk today and I don't know why. I really don't have anything specific in mind to talk about. I just want to talk."

So. Cute.

Last week while his dad was tucking him into bed, Greg was roped into performing Justice's favorite activity of scratching and tickling his back for him. Greg even made a game of it, naming each kind of stroke a various kind of critter. One was "the spider", one "the worm", one a bee and one a crab. After scratching long enough to get Justice good and relaxed, and fighting off sleep himself, my husband announced: "O.K. It's time to stop. The worm has said he needs to go to sleep now." Without any effort at humor, our son asked "what about the spider, he is still up, right?"

MELT.

And just because it's cute - Our family is looking forward next weekend to spending two nights with our friends who live in a very small town about 45 minutes from here. There is a matching child in their family for each one of mine to play with, and we have known this family for years. But what Justice is most anticipating is the neat farm/pumpkin patch/retreat center that beckons our visit just south of town. He remembers that the birthday party he attended there last Spring involved some game with all of the little boys yelling "Aye, Matey" and that other famous Pirate phrase "Tickle Me Tender!" (Shiver Me Timbers!) We don't have the heart to correct him. They just don't do this very long.

Have a great week - or few months. Not sure yet when I'll "be back."

Missing Dogs, Quit Wit, and Termites In The Middle Of Nowhere

It had been a LOOOONG and eventful day, much like the majority of them lately, and we were all too fatigued to have our normal spirited discussions on the way home. Instead, I was admiring the neon red sun over the soccer field. I pointed it out to the kids. "Wow," I said, "I've never seen it hazy enough here to be able to stare directly at it like that." I was proud when J. noticed "it sure is a beautiful sunset." Looking to turn the moment into a spiritually profound comparison, I began explaining how the dirtier the atmosphere is, the more brilliant the sunset. "It's actually the dirt the air that makes the beautiful colors." I tried to tie it all together with a discussion of sin and beauty from ashes and all that stuff. J. was obviously in another frame of mind. "So you mean, when we get home and I DON'T take a bath, that will make me even more handsome!" That semi-toothless smile was plastered ear to ear!

He is, quite literally, the wittiest, most funny person I have ever known. I ADORE that kid!!!

So much has happened around here the past few months that life inside our four walls resembles almost nothing of what it was this time last year. Much of it has been good, and some more of it will be once we can jump a few pretty high hurdles. I realize, of course, that life will ALWAYS have another hurdle up ahead of the one that's just been cleared, but lately the sheer amount of things to accomplish has left us needing to slow down to a steady trot for some rest for just a while.

The most obvious to those who are a regular part of our lives is that I have finally finished my training. Yes, I am now officially a Certified Pesticide Applicator, properly trained to eradicate termites from either your new or existing home! No, I did not set about this as part of some dream or desire. But I did it! Our family business was left in a lurch after legal changes that required new training. Of course, all of the men in our family work full time and could not sacrifice a week of their lives to attend the necessary classes. So I went back to the Alma Mater I left 18 years ago on a scholarship transfer for a degree in Broadcasting Communications. If you had told me way back then that I would eventually be returning nearly 2 decades later to become a professional bug killer, there would have been no need for laughter. It would have been so out of the realm of reality that my only reaction would have been to silently wonder what on earth you talking about and whether we were even participating in the same conversation.

But I made it. I spent each day from 7:30 am to nearly 5 p.m. (he let us out early!) with a 1/2 hour lunch break and 15 other all male students in a portable building in the middle of nowhere about 3 miles off campus. The men spit a lot and they left the toilet seat up in the bathroom (which I don't blame them for) they weren't planning on sharing with a girl, but they were all very polite and accepting and not overly politically correct, but also not chauvinistic, either which of would have made me uncomfortable.

At night, I would relax before returning to the hotel by driving around town trying to recognize all the similarities and differences since I was there as a mere kid. There were so many of both. My old apartment, the department store that lent clothes to our volunteer project, the lake which is now on the OTHER side of Main Street. The grocery store where I worked was gone and replaced by a small mall we never had and the campus had doubled in size. But most of all the memories that came flooding back of my two years there were strong. And though they weren't bad, they still left me missing my family and my current life. I felt glad for the previous experience of living there, but even more happy that I now have a wonderful family and the non-monetary job that I never envisioned back then when I was chasing and capturing all that career success. I'm just too blessed where I'm meant to be to miss it.

The other big event of our lives of late happened about a week ago while my parents were here visiting to see my son's first traveling band concert. (He is so talented, if I may throw that in!) My parents came with me to pick the children up from school on Friday and we immediately drove from school to the downtown Arts Festival. I'm not sure that we have ever missed it. Even though the rides there are now far too juvenile for my kids to enjoy outright, they love the tradition and memories of the little train and Ferris wheel they have ridden since they have been old enough to have memories. A gentle misty rain and a pretty stiff wind made our time even more interesting, but the fun of it all was still very much there for us.

That is until I got "The Call." I needed to ask my breathless husband to slow down so I could make more sense of what he was telling me, but first I had to excuse myself from my children. That's because I didn't want them to hear me repeat words like "the dogs," "missing," "bloody," or "shotgun." At least not until I could string them into an intelligible event that I could then repeat more tactfully when the time was right. I asked my husband what needed to be done next and we agreed that he needed help at home and since they would learn it all when they arrived anyway, I had better break the news on the way home.

The short version is that both of our dogs escaped out of their pen and were missing. My husband went to look for them while we were all blissfully unaware at the festival. He was just about to give up searching after three hours when our mama lab came crawling, dazed and bloodied, up an embankment toward his truck as he was headed home. She had been shot and was absolutely shaking in fear, but had come out of hiding when she had recognized his vehicle. He took her home and was needing us to tend to her so he could go back out in search of our other dog, L.'s offspring. S. was no where to be found by night fall. The next day we made posters and my dad and oldest son and I went to put them along the main road. Of course, all of this was to prove to our children that we had done everything possible to get our dear friend back, but my parents, husband and I were already pretty convinced he was most likely not in a returnable state. After hammering the last sign in, I told my dad I wanted to turn around and drive back toward the sign to make sure a motorist without knowledge of it's placement would readily see it. I turned the car around and fell in behind a truck with a dog in it. A black dog my son excitedly pointed out. I sped up to satisfy to him that we would chase any lead, but certainly not expecting what happened next. "He has a red collar!" D. screamed, just as the dog- yes, OUR DOG - took a leap out of the truck bed upon recognizing our vehicle. He was on a leash that got hung up on something in the back of the truck and was being dragged as the truck rounded a corner into a neighborhood. My dad leaped out and yelled the driver down as I sat frozen and too confused to react by how fast it was all happening. But, cutting the story down to size and maybe some of the miracle of how amazingly it all played out, the dogs were returned to us! They were a little worse for the wear of their naughty journey a full 1/2 mile away from home. But they are doing well now. And the children have seen first hand what it's like when God honors their prayers for a miracle with a "Yes." Oh, how they prayed!

Yep. Life is always headed Somewhere. There's no such place as Nowhere. Not even a portable building in a wide open field three miles from the next nearest building.

I just need to remember that when I'm THERE. Amen?

My VERY FAVORITE Quote Of The Day!

"I don't think them people could be one bit stupider! The only way out of this [economic] mess is to put more money back into the economy so the stimulus can grow. Geez, why don't these people get educated and read a book or something?"

........ a local news viewer, when asked for his opinion of today's Tax Day tea parties.

I have NEVER. LAUGHED. SO. HARD!!!!

Oh, boy, was that a great way to end a rough day!!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

ROFL OUT LOUD!!!!!!!

: 0) :0) :0) :0)

If you're not chuckling at THAT, you don't have a pulse!

I LOOOOOOVE IT!!!!

(And he was serious!)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

The Necesssity of His Blood, My Sweat, and A Few Stress-Releasing Tears.....Or - Preparations To Be Better For Others In The Long Run!

Oh, how I want this post to make sense, and yet I'd rather just get it out there raw in the (very) few minutes I have, whether or not it sounds polished or even checked for grammar and spelling errors. I am a girl, after all, and sometimes I just need to talk, to get it all out before I explode. I have come to realize over the past few months that done occasionally, that's not a bad thing. In fact, I think that sometimes it is quite necessary. My past few weeks have been stressful. Really stressful. It's been one of those periods we all face in life where my plate has been overloaded, not because of anything I've chosen, but just because from time to time, we do all face those periods in life. Some of the choices I've made have been excruciating. I do not like to fail people. And because of the shear number of problems to be tackled and the fact that I am a mortal confined to a 24 hour day, some REALLY IMPORTANT things have had to slide. I hate that. ESPECIALLY where it concerns relationships. ESPECIALLY because I have been reminded in the past few days that they are not promised us forever. Two of my oldest friends and someones instrumental to my understanding of true Christianity, said goodbye forever to their beautiful, precious and Godly 20-year-old daughter last Saturday. She was hit head on by a drunk driver. My heart aches in an indescribable way for her parents, my friends. And again, I HATE that I will not be able to cook a meal or communicate much more than with a card. I have had lingering issues within my own four walls for quite some time now. And it has become apparent that for every time I stop to do some small something for someone else, which I much prefer, the problem has only worsened. Now we face certain things that have only zapped more precious time from our lives. Three of the five of us are facing serious health issues for the first time in our lives. I have to concentrate for a while on just us, exclusively on our family. And that's hard for me. Perhaps because it feels selfish, or maybe I've just been too prone to guilt trips. I certainly have felt pressured to keep a fresh face and "not complain." I guess I just haven't yet figured out how to share a problem without it sounding like a complaint. Because I don't FEEL hopeless about our situation. I'm just feeling like I need to REALLY CONCENTRATE on it, and to talk about it a lot, so I can hear it back more objectively I guess. And to let others know I haven't forgotten them. I've chosen to ignore them for a time because I feel like I have to. That's HARD! And then I'm probably feeling like I need to defend that choice, because it doesn't put others ahead of ourselves. But the point is, I've come to a place where I'm not organized or energetic enough to BE A HELP until I take care of a few things to gain efficiency and health.

I don't know why I'm even typing this, really. I guess because I've been too "busy" to talk otherwise. And I hate that as well. I have come to believe that busy-ness is rarely a virtue. I have learned to "be still and know God." And I don't want to miss that! Oh, how to balance? Well, one project at a time. One hour at a time, or one minute at a time, if need be. And lots of hope that I can give grace and yes, I certainly do want to receive it as well.

I will get through this time. Or I won't. But either way, the Lord will have His way. In that, I may at times feel pain. Well, O.K. I most certainly DO, definitely sometimes. But I also find comfort in it. Because it's true. And Truth can be trusted. Every. Single. Time.

Things I Am Thinking About Tonight In The Quiet Of The Dark

Some are real. Some I just wish were......

A giant barn full of country music and multi generational laughter and dancing.

The hem of my daughter's green cotton-gauze dress waving in the wind with her wheat colored hair.

Staring into the eyes of an abused third world teenage girl and convincing her with nothing but eye contact that I care.

Light blue Adirondack chairs on a beach.

Saturday morning classic rock countdown on the radio in our kitchen while I poked my tongue through the space in my missing teeth.

Friendships formed from living in one place your whole life. I don't know that.

Laying on the trampoline watching puffy clouds make shapes in the sky.

Laying on the hood of a car watching puffy clouds make shapes in the sky. :)

Slow kissing. Whether or not it's related to the above.

A long front porch on a siding covered house.

Pink orchids.

Cherry sours.

My Grandpa's silly stories and a sweet and extremely meaningful conversation with him just days before his death.

A pendant I received from a second grade crush.

The morning I got saved - sixth pew back on the right side and a one-eyed preacher with the most welcoming smile I've ever seen.

Being hugged, honestly, for a really long time.

Rollerskating to "Xanadu" in a friend's backyard that backed up to the bay - with lots of other little girls too young to know about social politics or competition.

Seeing my daughter's heartbeat on a sonogram, after it wasn't.

Secrets I hold in my heart and ones that I've told someone else who has kept it faithfully and ones that some people give themselves too much credit for thinking they know, but I get the last laugh.

Watching my friends push their severely mentally handicapped daughter into my other friend's father's funeral. She always has a colorful bow in her hair and is so perfectly groomed despite being 31 years old and wearing a diaper. That to me is love.

People who sit with other people without any agenda other than to be available when the other is ready to talk.

My son getting back on his bike even after he made hamburger of his knee.

Sweet tea.

When I "just happen" to read exactly the right verse for whatever I'm dealing with that day.

How EVERYTHING I have ever experienced in my life seems to become extremely useful at a future time I could never have envisioned while it was happening.

Driving away from the stress toward a vacation.

The Great Town-wide High School Scavenger Hunt. I remember pushing my friend down the grocery aisle in a shopping cart at 5 a.m. and doing high kicks in the island of the highway.

A certain night in my apartment with my husband-to-be, and yes, we were fully clothed, and tenderly grieving his father's passing.

The zillion stars in the sky over our neighborhood, that I didn't think I wanted to move to.

My face when I could still recognize it as me. (This one made me cry, finally. It's been a long time coming.)

The flickering light of a swimming pool.

The time my kids all ran to the ice cream truck in only their underwear. I'm just going to sit on this one for a while before I continue typing.........

The little purple flowers my son handed me with his proud 2 year old smile.

My daughter's GORGEOUS heart.

My son being the only one to recognize that I needed to cry - and how to handle it.

The lights of the town over the ridge below our house.

Sitting in bean bags watching episodes of Mr. Rogers with my cousins, then running all over my Grandma's town unsupervised.

Hearing I'd not only made the team, but made officer as well.

Seeing 4 certain people I don't get to see right now because they are in Heaven.

Knowing how to worship properly without even trying for ever and ever.

Being included in old inside jokes.

Knowing that I've earned my womanhood.

Deep sleep in a soft warm bed.

The first bite of soft warm carrot cake.

Sitting in a boat in the middle of the lake at night.

The way my kids smiles are stuck on at the carnival.

Having a small, modest lake property to regularly retreat to.

Those old time cruising bicycles with really long fenders and a basket.

Screen porch doors and wood floors.

When American flags on the roof guttering and pickup sports and "please" and "thank you" and "yes, ma'am" and "no, sir" were all the norm.

Holding my children against my chest, then and now.

Wishing Jesus was tangible right now.

Wishing Heaven wasn't somewhere so far away.

Venting

I'll start with the most recent. My index finger is STINGING as I burnt it on popcorn JUST NOW as I began to type! Cr*%#p it hurts! And did I mention that the popcorn IS my dinner tonight?

If this post is going to sound too much like complaining, and it probably is, then you'll want to move on down your blog roll right now. First, let me preface by saying that I DO know that I am blessed SO FAR above anything I could ever deserve, and that I DO know that I could have it so much worse, and I REALLY am keeping everything in proper perspective outside of THAT moment (of which there have been several lately) that you can't keep perspective because you don't a half second to look beyond the small part of the picture that is an absolute emergency at that exact time. REALLY I am.

I will also say that in my experience, God NEVER goes without tempering the bad times with at least some small glimmers of blessing and I could recount several. But I have saved those for my prayer time. I'm using the blog to get all the JUNK out so God and I can have more enjoyable conversation. :D I am venting. Because we all understand that blowing off pressure a little at a time sometimes prevents a big explosion later on down the twisty curvy hair-pinned road.

And speaking of explosions, my husband narrowly missed one yesterday. Came upon a rural intersection on the way home from work where two men were RUNNING from their diesel-filled rig while motioning him to tear out of there as well! It was on fire. That was NOT what I needed to hear at the end of a stress FULL day! (The rig was totaled, but everyone did get away safely.)

We could not afford to travel this year, even locally overnight, but we have been awaiting Spring Break with more angst and yearning than EVER before! We NEEDED this break. Only guess what? The kids have been sick since I picked them up an hour before school even let out on Friday. That's right. Fevers, aching, congestion AND puking all the way around! Fun, fun stuff I must say! Of course my husband's hours have been ALL OVER THE PLACE so I've been mostly going it alone. He has always worked relatively varied hours just by definition of his vocation (construction), but I usually have about a day's notice of what the day will look like for him. Not this week. He's like a doctor on call, only out in the heat and the dirt and for way less pay and with clients who considerably more healthy enough to argue energetically. So I have hardly spoken to him all week. Since the kids are so sick, I have obviously not left my house in almost six days. And did I mention IT IS SPRING BREAK!

And the poor kids; they feel awful! They are SO SAD that they are laying in bed on the very break they have been CLAWING their way through school to get to! We also missed church again because they were sick - and last week we were gone to welcome home my brother-in-law from four months away. (A good thing.) But when we can't be there, we REALLY miss our classes and the encouragement we get!

Also, I'm LONELY! We aren't even eating together as a family since my husband's been gone so much and the kids can't hold anything down. And of course, no one can come to visit because of the germs. Besides, very many of my friends have their own issues they are dealing with. THREE of my friends lost their parents in the last three weeks and another has announced plans to divorce. I am so, so sad for them.

Yesterday and today, I've spent a total of about 15 hours tackling our garage mess (I'm a little less than halfway done) just to get outside while the kids have slept! I now feel like a Sumo wrestler sat on me! And after 15 hours, mere progress becomes a poor substitute for the finished product (although I am thrilled to be this far - I've been needing to do this for 2 years now!) Anyway, both days the neighbor kids have come over while I've been working and they are just not very respectful. I'm trying to be really nice now. Actually the way they speak would warrant corporal punishment for my children. The problem is, I don't even know their parents! THAT kind! Normally, I would TRY to have more patience with them, but I think we all have our limits sometimes and mine was at the point where they invited another friend of theirs THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW to play in OUR YARD with OUR STUFF when they weren't even invited themselves! Then when I told them NO, the response from the 11 year old was "you are supposed to share things with guests." From an 11 year old! One who had just walked into my garage to get a Popsicle without asking! A Popsicle that was being frozen specifically for my son to maintain hydration! COME ON! Who elected me neighborhood babysitter?!

I was already grouchy because I have permanent scarring from whatever this is that invaded my face originally before it turned into the infamous staph infection of summer '08. The staph is gone, but the original problem persists and has worsened considerably. No one seems to be able to diagnose it. But everyone seems to agree what it is not. Acne. So here's my theory. I'm no doctor, and I don't know the medical practicality of this, but it's my gut feeling due to a number of factors I'm too lazy to recount just now. I wonder if it isn't the debris of a 19 year old car wreck working itself out. This would make a lot more sense if I explained why I came to this conclusion. And at least one trusy medical professional has said this is entirely plausible. But like I said, it would take too much time. What stinks, though, if I am right, is that nothing can be done about it. Of course, nothing is anyway. So I continue to look like the spotted freak show whereever I go. Which right now, of course, is NO WHERE!!!

And then just now, getting ready for bed, I realized that in my zeal to procure a garage we can park in before the 100 degree heat hits, I haven't kept up very well with the laundry. So I must wear the hubby's boxers to bed. With no blinds on 3 of our windows and I don't EVEN want to get started on the WHY behind that. But considering the garage door opener, some bad lighting (as in not working), the DVD player, and the car transmission have all broken lately as well, why am I surprised?

O.K

There.

I'm done.

And I AM DETERMINED tomorrow is going to be a better day, despite the forecast calling for cloudy skies after 5 PERFECT days of sunshine and breezes. SHEESH!

O.K.

No, really this time. I'm officially done.

Starting........NOW!

BORED

It's a feeling I often JOKE I'd like to be more familiar with. But in truth, I don't like it. It's not that I DON'T have anything to do. It's just that I'm not doing it! Spring Break couldn't start quick enough around here! In fact, we've been anticipating it more eagerly than ever before! My oldest left within an hour of school letting out to go on a weekend trip to Six Flags. My daughter had a sleepover with her girlfriend and together they made crafts and baked cookies and jumped on the trampoline and stayed up until 3 o'clock this morning!!! I only made it to 1:30! My youngest got tired of having no one to play with and decided it was better to be a good sport with the girls than have nothing to do at all. He let them "do his hair" and dress him up for their own personal fashion show entertainment. I have to tell you, this is a BOY'S BOY - ALL THE WAY! So you know he was BORED!

We woke up late today to dark and dreary skies and a child with the flu! But now it's a GORGEOUS evening, the clouds have broken, my husband is out building a pen that our dogs CAN NOT constantly escape, and I am stuck here.

I saw "Horton Hears A Who" earlier for the first time ever and it was fantastic! But another movie sounds boring. No one feels well enough to play a game. I'm too tired to read. I'm too energetic to sit around inside. I can't vacuum because the patient is sleeping. And, not that this is in any way remotely related to my mood, but I'm craving an orange and don't have one. I'm agitated without being unhappy. Ever feel like this? So what do you do when you can't figure out WHAT you want to do?

(SIGH.)

The Last Car

It's strange, but whenever I cry slow tears, they always fall from the left eye. I tried to wipe them away inconspicuously as I looked up toward the front at Staci. She looked particularly beautiful, stunning actually, like she had gussied up to embark on an anniversary cruise, not watch a preacher speak comforting words over a casket. The sanctuary where we were gathered seemed like all there was to the world last Saturday. Birds could be heard chirping outside between carefully chosen ballads as the soft glow of Spring sunlight flooded the room through amber windows.

Even from my pew near the back of the opposite side, I could read her thoughts. She is my friend and I know her well. It pained me so deeply to know that the one person she longed to have tell her everything would be all right was her daddy, and he was not there, despite the longing in her eyes that yearned for him to return just long enough to help get her through the next hour. I've known Staci now since our boys met as Cub scouts in Kindergarten, seven milestone-packed years ago. In that time I have heard countless stories about Jim Gazaway, and every single one of them were told with a reminiscent smile.

Just 5 1/2 weeks ago, I finally met him for the first time. Jim and I had both come to see Staci's new home. She and her husband had just moved back to their rural childhood town where her parents no longer live. Our connection was instant and comfortable, just as it was when I met Staci herself. There is something so likable and easy about every single one of her family and they've always considered me just one of them. I felt almost like a school girl receiving needed praise that day when he shook my hand and asked Staci how she managed to have friends just as pretty as she is. I admired how he lavished her with such loving compliments, even though his pride in her was so obvious without them.

A week and half later, Staci called me crying. They had taken "Daddy" to the hospital the night before for a headache that wouldn't stop and they had come home with a stage 4 cancer diagnoses. But he had not come home with them....and he never would. Four weeks later, just over a month after I met him, he died.

Now I sat alone in the last of a train of cars about to embark on a 45 minute drive toward the setting sun. It seemed so symbolic, ironic - and perfect. I turned on the radio as the flashing lights of sirens fell in behind me and I'll be darned if it wasn't the same sweet country song that had just concluded the service! It spoke of a daddy encouraging his cowgirl to keep on riding when she falls. I simultaneously smiled and cried.

I have never been the very last car in a funeral procession before. But something about the perspective it afforded me and the slow songs on the radio made my deepest ponderings run wild. Even though this day was not about me, there was something so personal and comforting about that officer behind me. He knew who to watch for. He recognized me. He knew I belonged with this group while those behind me didn't. With a small, reassuring smile of protection, he so diligently waited for me to catch up at each intersection, signaling him to then race back to the front where my dear friend followed her daddy in the last car that he would ever ride in. It was as if he was checking on us both. Each time I reached him again, he would swerve behind me for just a moment to signal to the traffic stopped in reverence that I was the Last Car. After me, they were free to continue.

As we passed through four towns of rolling hills, blooming dogwoods, and greening grass against the bluest skies, not a single driver failed to pause their busy agenda in honor of this ordinary man. Long lines of vehicles were stopped in acknowledgement that this man with no fame or fortune must have meant something to this world. A couple dozen soccer fans even removed their caps and saluted our cavalcade from behind a chain link fence. It was so profoundly moving. So many that day stopped their lives just long enough to communicate, "We're sorry. May you find comfort in remembering he was special." And then life went on. We passed and they went on about their day, just as Staci will soon be learning to do.

As we approached the cemetary and the hearse pulled in, the officer nodded at me to acknowlege he was leaving. I looked for a open patch of grass to park while another of Staci's friends carried Staci's baby daughter toward the grave on her hip. We all gathered and just a few more words were said under a green tent on a fiercely windy day. A prayer was offered, the dismissal was given, and we lingered just a moment as if to mentally map this 18 square feet of dirt on the Earth. I turned to leave and Staci's brother thanked me for being there for her. "You're one of her best friends" he said as he hugged me. "This sucks!" he said angrily over my shoulder. "I know," I said. "I can't completely UNDERSTAND, but I know." He invited me back to the house for the meal and I told him I had plans with my family. Then he chuckled warmly and wiped his eyes and said something that made me smile at Providence. "Well, alright. But if you get hungry later, come on back out. You're more than welcome. We'll be there. Well, maybe not Staci. You know her. She'll probably be out here a while. I'm sure she'll be the last car to leave." Of all the ways he could have put it.

Random and Unedited

This morning was entirely glorious as I basked in the pure laziness of sleeping in for the first time in months! It felt so good not to have to get up and go coach a game. For four years, I have been the coach of my daughter's cheer leading squad, and for the most part, I have loved every minute of it. But something about this year was different. Somehow, our hearts just weren't in it to the extent that they have been in the past. I probably enjoyed the girls themselves more than any other squad I've ever had, but what very little parental involvement there was seemed mostly shallow and my daughter changed her mind after only a couple of weeks. But for the rest of the season we stuck it out. I needed to model commitment and Faith needed to learn it.

So this morning I forced my regimented internal clock back to sleep at 6:30 to enjoy more slumber until the scared chirps of birds threatened by winds re-wakened me at a more enjoyable 8:30. Then I just lied there a few minutes - because I could. I decided to post since the computer sat right next to my bed where I left it after watching a movie last night. After making a big deal of going to the movie rental store last night and letting each family member make a pick, we returned home to find that our DVD player had officially died. No prior symptoms existed. It's just how life keeps us laughing in irony. (On a completely random side note, there was a well-known song back when I got married called IRONIC. We actually fulfilled the majority of examples in the singer's list of bitter ironies. "Rain on your wedding day." Four inches.....and a record low 44 degrees in late April. "A free ride when you've already paid." The special offered by a local jeweler to receive your wedding ring free if it rains on your wedding day began about two months AFTER our washout. "Good advice that you just didn't take." Duh! We were in our twenties. I'm sure it happened frequently.


Anyhoo, last night my hubby took the kids to the driving range and dinner at our favorite restaurant so I could relax alone and nurse my back. It has been in a precarious state too often lately, and I'm learning that I had better not try to push through. So I watched "The Secret Life Of Bees." Men beware, this glowing testimonial will not impress you in the least. This was a deluxe chick-flick through and through, but I thought it was an EXCELLENT movie. Queen Latifah and Dakota Fanning should both be nominated for the Oscar and I'm not a fan of either the awards show nor Hollywood in general. But, boy! Can those girls act!


Anyway, the movie was almost ended when the family returned and my husband came in needing to watch the weather report. I paused the movie and fell asleep about two minutes into the news. I NEVER nod off that fast! I was exhausted! It's been a crazy (good) week. His teasing woke me up and I decided to look at old photos on the computer in order to stay awake to finish the movie. I ended up perusing the pictures for over three hours! Each and every one held such wonderfully amazing memories of a special, though non-descript day from our lives. I ended up crying in gratitude for the choices the Lord has led me to and all that I DIDN'T miss because of it. There were dozens and dozens of days represented for which I could remember the details of how my heart felt. First zoo trips, swinging at the park, school plays and day trips and grilling out in the backyard on a hot day. And plenty that had no special occasion other than a fantastic smile over a cupcake or a practical joke or bubbles running amok over the edge of a whirlpool tub. I am so glad that I've had the opportunity to stay home with my kiddos and for the examples my own Mom has set on how to have fun and make relationships the most important part of life. They truly are all that we take with us!


My sweet husband got me a professional grade camera for my birthday this year. I have been wanting one for more than three years now, but since December I haven't yet taken it out of the box. I wanted to read a lot of the directions on it before I went messing around on it and messing it up. But last night gave me the bug all over again! (Which is not a good thing as I am knee deep in the middle of some MAJOR, necessary re-organizing of our home and business.) I can not wait now to capture more memories. Just yesterday it was my youngest doing his first ever oral school report. It was on Bill Gates and he did AWESOME! Later today, we're hoping it may be fishing or driving around some small towns in search of an adventure. We've been really concentrating on old-fashioned cheap fun as the consequences of this economy have made themselves felt. But for a few weeks it's been some combination of us and not all of us. That's the goal this evening.

For today, I face the daunting task of going through years of old clothes I have not formerly had the time to purge. And I hate not purging. So while I'm not looking forward to the process (because it has become "mountainess" - is that a word?), I'm only too thrilled for the results! I love organizing, WHEN it actually begins to make a noticeable difference! Then we are going to try to dismantle the swimming pool. I can't afford the water bill to fill it up just yet, but between the tornado of two weeks ago and the 60-mile-an-hour straight line winds last night, it just makes sense that it's not going to last much into the Spring.

Tomorrow is church! And I'll have to write a whole other post on that and how incredible it's been to watch the Lord at work taking old doubts and fears and making His will so ABUNDANTLY clear! Right now we are in a series about family and how you must FIGHT for them. I LOVE this series because it has uncovered so much for both Greg and I about how to turn the great feelings of love toward one another into ACTION that actually accomplishes something wonderful. We both have no trouble with action in and of itself. Amongst our many many sins and shortcoming we are both very hard workers. But we are learning how to become unburdened with all of the well-intentioned, yet totally inefficient action and how to learn the needs of a creature (spouse) who thinks nothing like you. Then we'll spend the rest of the day in a new members class. We are all so excited.

You know, the economy may be going to pot, and my back hurts constantly and my face now bares permanent scarring from the staph infection of last summer that is only now finally gone. Obama is a nutcase who is turning freedom on it's head (yeah, I said it) in a matter of a few short days in office and much of the nation sits back and lauds it happening - for now. But for this day, this moment, this snapshot of memory, I look out the office window, through the tall rustling trees, over the ridge to the small town below and I feel thankful. Life is not perfect, but it is fulfilling. It is not painless, but that only further proves that God's Word can be counted on. It is not flawless, but He is. And He loves me.