Hoping

I have prayed about whether to write this post, and to be honest, I am still not sure if I should. I may take it down later. But the truth is, my heart is hurt tonight in a way that cries out for more Godly prayers than I am mustering on my own.

I have shared before that my husband and I got off to a very rocky and tragic start in our marriage and that some of the repercussions of that time was that we spent little to no time bonding in our first few years of marriage. What I haven't shared is how this became a habit for us. At first, it was a trial about which we had no choice. And I haven't lied when I've said this has been the best year of our marriage so far. But I said that on the days when we had spent ample time together. On other days, the devil has fought like crazy to nullify the better times into merely sporadic jackpot days.

I have hesitated to share because I do not want to appear to be hurting my husband's dignity at all. But the truth is, I know this blogging community is a praying community and if you would be willing to pray for us, I would be willing to put aside my pride to ask. If you can not commit to pray, I would in no way take that negatively. I understand the demands on people's time and commitments as I don't always pray for all blogs that I read either.

I just don't know what else to do right now. I can not go to my pastor and I can not explain why. This is why this has been the most frustrating trial of my life. We need prayer but I can not go into details under Biblical guidelines. I know that's why "unspoken prayer" is such a popular phrase, but most people seem to give little heed to it, when those are probably the more serious prayer requests.

I still believe that there is hope. Even after 12 years. I know God has been on the throne every moment of those 12 years and every year before and from now on. I don't doubt that for a second. I'm just too tired and hurt tonight to even know what to say to Him. This is the first time I can ever remember feeling that way. Honestly, I find myself reminding him that Jacob only waited 14 years for his marriage prayer to be answered and that we're coming up on that pretty quick! :) I also know that we all have our crosses to bear. It's just that this one is so out of God's will and makes all the others that much more difficult to face alone while married. I am trying my very best to submit, but if I understood how to submit to spending no time together and still having a strong marriage, I would do it. In fact, I have tried for years. It isn't Biblical. It doesn't work. Thank you to my few readers. Even though we have never met face to face, you have shown yourselves to be true friends in your wisdom and in your encouragement.